Posted in Emotions

My own journey

8th January 2018

Look at this girl and analyse what you are seeing. A happy young mom holding her sleeping baby posing for her husband to take a photo… but that’s not whats really happening here.

It was my first day back at work after almost a year off. I woke up early, did my hair and make up to plaster over the cracks of how I was truly feeling.

I remember feeling relief as I left the house; like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally be away from William. My job has always been a constant in my life, since I was 17 so I felt like I was going back to do something I was really good at and since that wasn’t how I felt about being a mom, it made me really happy.

Only it wasn’t a relief, things had changed and people had left and I couldn’t focus on any one task. I was now part time and there weren’t enough hours in a day. I was constantly chasing my own tail. I remember coming home and faking excited to see William… I should have missed him. I held him close whilst he nodded off and had a little cry because ‘I missed him’ only I cried because I didnt. I cried for me. Not for him.

‘Take a picture Dave’ I don’t have many pictures of William and I over his first 2 years purely because I was alway the one behind the camera (This made post separation purging a nightmare🤣) I felt it was important to take a picture and prove that I was OK. That I was happy. Its silly isn’t it, that’s what this social media age has done to us. I think that’s why on here I try to be as honest and open as possible.

I’m not ashamed to say I was I was spiralling down a very dark hole and ended up at a stage I couldn’t see the light. I worried about my family dying when there was nothing wrong with them but the thought consumed me and kept me awake at night, I couldn’t cope with the changes is my career and found myself struggling to do the most simple of tasks but faking it with a smile and a cheery attitude. William was missing his milestones and I thought it was my fault, did I do something wrong during pregnancy? Was it because I didn’t love him enough? I began focusing on the fact that he might be taken away from me, social services would somehow get involved and take one look at me and know that it was my fault.

William was 18 months old and I had reached a point in which I felt like things would be better if I wasn’t around anymore by the time I sought help. I spoke to the doctor and just sobbed, I don’t know how he could possibly understand what I was saying but he listened and offered me help and I personally chose to be medicated, Sertraline to help with my depression and Propranolol for anxiety. It was hard, really hard and I came off them early and I wasn’t ready and soon spiraled back down that hole but I knew… I knew I wasn’t ready and went straight back to the doctor and this time when I thought I was ready, we slowly weaned off them and it worked.

For two years I have been off all medication and coping well. I have embraced that darkness I felt and can happily share my story. William is my word and the love I have for him was always there but was hidden by the storm clouds in my head. It didn’t flood in immediately but bit by bit as the clouds cleared, just like the sun does… it creeped through.

I know that Williams delays and medical issues are not my fault, that I did everything right when pregnant and that I loved him unconditionally from the moment I saw him on my scan and that even though I didn’t feel it, he did. He knew I loved him and still knows now.

There are days, even now in which I feel a darkness but speaking to people and being open about it really helps. This blog saved me as did all of you who read it, whether its ever post or just one. Each of you help me overcome every hurdle, every obstacle just by allowing me a platform to rant and cry about how I feel. Sometimes about myself or sometimes about the system that fails us.

Thank you and if anyone needs to talk please get in touch, with me, with a friend, a doctor. Don’t keep it to yourself. Darkness isn’t as lonely if you have someone by your side.🥰

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Posted in Brief updates

Being social

Back in May we decided to open up our lives even further by branching out onto several social media platforms to reach a broader audience and share smaller updates.

Please click on any of the logos to see our pages and if you like what you see please Like, follow and share.

Find us on Twitter by clicking the logo 🙂
This one for Facebook 🙂
And finally… This one for Instagram 🙂

Much love, the Buckley’s 😘

Posted in Emotions

Shame!

I want to talk about shame and I don’t mean the shame I have spoken about previously in which we blamed ourselves or where we weren’t willing to admit anything was wrong. The kind of shame I want to talk about today is the type others try to inflict upon you for the decisions you make.

And in what I can only describe as in true Cersei Lannister style I am not sorry!

When you open yourself up like we have you kind of expect everyone to have an opinion and believe me the internet isn’t full of sunshine and roses. Its a place were someone can remain annonymous, write hurtful things and suffer no reprecussions.

Our first instance was within three months of setting up the blog, we had no social pages other than our personal ones in which we shared the blog to our friends and family, we were never the type of people to add strangers on our accounts. Within those months things went really well and we gained a few followers, a few subscribes and it felt like we made difference by sharing our story. It was maybe December/January time when I recieved a message.
‘nobody cares’
Maybe you arent trying hard enough to teach him’
you feel guilty coz it id your fault’ (actually spelt coz, are we 12 and limited to characters again?)

By this time we had grown stronger in our acceptance and I deleted it and haven’t given it a seconds thought until now but could you imagine if that was to someone more fragile than us? Someone looking for reassurance or hell even guidance!

Fast forward to May and the wonderful Beth (Check her out here) designed a logo for our blog and our newly established social media pages. A lady commented to tell me about my use of the puzzle piece and how it is a hate symbol for autistic people.
I appreciated being educated but I also felt like I was being told off. Like I was doing wrong so far into our journey and I should know better.
The puzzle piece implies that they don’t fit in, that there is something missing or that they are a puzzle to be solved. Due to the juvenile type of picture commonly used it can also lead people to believe it is something that only effects children. Like its a bad haircut they grow out of.

I absolutely love the puzzle piece symbols which is why it was incorporated into our logo, I see it as a beacon of hope for William. He is a piece of this world that fits perfectly but we just need to find the right place for him. Its not about changing him but how the world sees people like him. To try and make it a better place not only for our autistic children to grow up into but for all children and that message I can imagine is very important to a lot of people.

The infinity symbol is supposed to represent math and a love of numbers, something shared by many people on the autism spectrum (I do think this statement is a massive sweeping generalisation) but not all, so far William has no association with math of any kind so to me this one isn’t as personal to us as the puzzle piece. It is also used signify inclusiveness and the integration of people with autism into general society, since there is no beginning or end to the sign. I just don’t feel anything towards it like I do the puzzle piece. I look at it and think of tattoos loads of people in their 20s and 30s now regret (mines a tramp stamp 🤣)but I don’t look at it and feel hope, I feel nothing.

And now I bring us to present day….

As a family we have always been open and honest which is why it hit us hard when we struggled to open up about William’s difficulties because it was so unlike us.
There are pictures and stories about me online that I have no shame in sharing and same goes for David. I have always been willing to share my dark days, my good days and days in which I’m just an absolute airhead and say or do something that is just inconceivable for someone of my age and education.

for example here is me in a pair of pyjamas (which at the time I felt were wholly acceptable as an adult) trying to frighten Dave by being a bear 🐻 GRRR

I love and hate twitter with equal measure. I shared an anecdote about how our little boy laughs uncontrollably if you tell him to stop touching his diddle, this was accompanied with a beautiful little gif (check it out on our Facebook page here)
Twitter always opens up the floor for trolls and/or unsolicited advice and 2 men decided to tell me that I should not post these kinds of things because I would damage him when he is older, because facial recognition is soo good now that he will be identified putting a risk to any future employment… Let me tell you something, there are pictures of my passed out drunk in a field at 14 years old and I still have a good job. There are pictures of Dave in drag (as a work event for one of his Saturday jobs?) and he too has a very good job.
When William is able, I expect him to take over our pages and continue to share stories of his life just like we have our own for years with Piczo sites, Myspace, Beebo, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and many others that have been and gone.

I want him to continue to tell the world and show them how he has grown and how he navigates life, the good and the bad. Funny anecdotes a plenty! If he decides he doesn’t want to or wants it deleted then I am happy with that too.

Much love as always, The Buckley’s 😘

Posted in autism and covid19, Autism In The News, EHCP Process

EHCP Announcement part 2

Remember when I last posted about the ‘temporary’ suspension to EHCP’s?
Remember how I worried that it wouldn’t temporary?

I hate to say I told you so but the suspension has now been extended further until 30th June… This could be extended even further closer to the time.


In case you are unaware an EHCP is an Education, Health & Care Plan which is a legally binding document that is written by the Local Authority (with parental and other professionals help) regarding a child’s additional educational and care needs. The plan outlines the type of support or intervention that the child will receive to ensure that their needs are being met.

Due to the coronavirus pandemic I did understand why this had been placed on hold due to the changes which schools were facing in regards to social distancing and how many staff and pupils in a room etc however June 1st is the day they have been pushing for kids to go back to school but with the latest announcement it seems they didn’t mean all kids, they didn’t mean the kids that need additional support.

“Make no mistake, I want the UK to be the best place in the world to educate your child and make the most of people’s talents.

Gavin Williamson, Education Secretary

This was taken from a speech Mr Williamson gave about his plans for post-Brexit education. He focus on improving technical education and welcoming international students, what Gavin missed out in his little speech was education for the already under funded and overlooked SEN children.

The new announcement is disappointing but not surprising.

Instead of Mr Williams sharing any of this to his twitter account instead he shared this…

‘Hello NSPCC? I would like to report countrywide neglect of those with special educational needs.’

I suppose we will have to wait until the end of June to see if this suspension of pivotal EHCPs is lifted, I for one will not be holding my breath.