Posted in school, Uncategorized

26/04/2022

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for the fact I haven’t written a post in a while but last week was a big week for us and a very emotional one. I felt that it wasn’t the right time to do any kind of writing so that I could process that William had finally gone to school.

I had been very honest about how I was feeling in relation to William going to school and had taken some time off to come to terms with this big adjustment and to be there for William every step of the way.

I’ll kick this off by sharing some photos of his first day, we came together as a family (as we should) to be there for William on his first day, I think it was more of a big deal to us than it was William.

26/04/2022
26/04/2022
26/04/2022
Proud mommy – 26/04/2022
William and his daddy- 26/04/2022

William was an absolute superstar, he was so excited to get on the bus and start his educational journey. He loves travelling so choosing to send him on transport was most definitely the right option… well the only option since I don’t drive myself (although driving lessons are now booked 😬🚘) but even when I do, or if I do, I think I will still send him on the bus as he’s made a friend and it’s so good for him to have that 1 on 1 social interaction although today he did get moved this week because he was eating the little boys coat 🤣 Pica at its finest.

I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t a mess on his first day, second day and so on but seeing his face as he got on the bus was so fulfilling that I genuinely forgot about all my own fears and doubts, my own insecurities just fizzled a little. His face, full of confidence and joy made me feel worthwhile as a mother. I have done a bloody good job so far and now his teachers can continue with his education and help him develop and I will continue to help turn him into the lovely little boy he is and the amazing man he will grow to be.

I’m sat here at 11.47am on a Thursday, my house is clean and I have the time to sit and write this, watch some TV and just breathe… it’s an odd feeling but not the horrendous one I thought it would be. I’m not breaking down or feeling sorry for myself. My little boy is growing up and starting a journey in which he should have started last year. its hard when he doesn’t want to get off the bus on a night because i have this little voice that goes ‘he doesn’t need you now’ but that’s not true. We always need our parents. I’m in my thirties and still need my mom to tell me everything will be ok. William needs me, just not as much as he did before but i’m ok with that… we need to let our kids go so that they can fly and he is doing that.

We have this whole new support network in his teachers and his passengers assistant on the bus who is amazing and so lovely. She called me a few times the first week to let me know how he was on the bus as she saw I was upset. His teachers email me updates and there is an app in which they upload photos and comments. They have their first parents opening soon for the queen’s jubilee in which they will do a parade around the school, sadly I can’t attend but Williams dad will be going to support him.

I’m excited and nervous to see how school will help him develop but it’s a whole new chapter and i’m excited to start sharing it with you all. Much love, M. xx

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Posted in Emotions, school

Wet Hands

Do you ever have a nightmare that feels so real that you can’t shake that feeling of dread that it gives you afterwards. I’ve been feeling down recently, getting lost in my own negative thoughts about myself and I think that’s maybe why I had such a terrible dream. Please feel free to skip the next paragraph if you would rather not read about it in detail as it is about a sensitive subject but I think it gives some context to the way I feel.

Click here to read the dream Every night before bed, I check on William and then go to bed myself, I often jump out of bed to make sure I definitely shut the baby gate. He’s not confident with stairs and who knows what mischief he could get up to… I woke up and could hear William laughing to himself in his room, if it’s early and he sounds happy then I usually check him on the baby monitor and go back to sleep until my alarm wakes me up at a reasonable hour, however when I awoke it was much later than it should have been, my phone had died and that meant my alarm didn’t go off… even at this point the dream felt so real and I remembered reaching for the charger and my glasses. I grabbed my dirty (clean really but that well-worn that it looks gross) grey dressing gown and pulled open my bedroom door. Williams baby gate was wide open and he wasn’t in his room. I must have taken the stairs 3 at a time, the living room baby gate was open. I couldn’t hear him so thought he had maybe fallen asleep. He was nowhere to be seen, I checked behind the sofa and chair, in the dog bed and under the table but he wasn’t there. the kitchen door was slightly ajar and although the kitchen baby gate was pulled shut, it wasn’t locked in to place. I called out for him, ‘William?’ ‘Willster?’ ‘baby?’ nothing… I sensed this awful feeling; knowing the bathroom was the only place I hadn’t checked. I walked in and the bath was full (I always empty it in real life), his toys were in there and so was he, he was wearing the t-shirt he had been wearing that day, a blue Toy Story one with a sequin panel…. only he wasn’t playing with it, instead he was under the water, face down and still. I started screaming and pulled him out of the water, he was cold. Then I woke up with what I am almost sure was a scream. My hands felt wet, not just sweaty but truly wet as if they had in fact been in the water. There were tears rolling down my face. I had never jumped out of bed so quickly in my life, Williams baby gate was closed and I struggled to open it as I was shaking so badly. There he was, snoring, safely in his bed surrounded by his squishmallows. In that moment, I didn’t care what time it was or that he was sound asleep. I grabbed him and held him tight, tighter than ever before.

I’m a worrier and we all know that, I’m insecure in my parenting and always second guess myself but despite me not being a ‘natural parent’ as I like to call them, I have worked bloody hard at it over the last 5 years and that recently it dawned on me that in what is now 9 days, William will be going to school. I am confident in my choice of school and super happy that I fought so hard to get him there but I’m having a wobble about who I am right now or at least who I will be when he isn’t here with me. I will never not be is mom but I am wondering (panicking) about what I will do on the days he is at school and I aren’t working… I already feel a bit useless, so many battles and fights to get him what he needs and his education was the biggest one, now he has what he needs, what is my purpose?
It sounds silly but without something to fight, I feel a bit redundant and worry that when he goes to school that I won’t be able to shake that feeling and it will just grow and consume me. It stupid because I know there are loads more things in wHich I will have to fight against for him as he grows older but this was ‘the one’

I think the dream was maybe a manifestation of how I feel about being without William when someone else is looking after him on what should be my days. Dreams about losing a child are apparently about grief, the grief you feel when a child moves from one phase in their life another which makes sense in these circumstances. My life has revolved around William since the moment I started trying for a baby, he didn’t even exist but he was my everything and he always will be, but I fear that I will feel so lost without him here with me… how crazy is that? Desperate to get him into school, desperate for some ‘me’ time and now I have it, I’m scared of it. I think it’s a bit like imposter syndrome, scared that i spent so long being this warrior that now I just have to be me, thats its not good enough.

It’s a strange one to be so worried about isn’t it… What would you do when all your dreams come true? well me personally have a full on anxiety attack and question who I am as a person. Most people would have a glass of bubbly and celebrate but no, I can’t do that. I have to take things to the extreme as always.

I have a fair few things I want to do, like decorate the last few rooms of the house and start my Understanding Autism Level 3 and Challenging Behaviour level 2 qualifications but is that enough? who knows?

I’m not sure what the point of my post is but just needed to get it off my chest and hopefully out of my head.

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Posted in Appointments, Brief updates

Wheelchair services

It’s been almost 2 years in the making but today, Williams new adaptive stroller finally arrived.

If I start from the beginning, we asked for a referral via our health visitor who put the request through our doctors. Who lost it after a year despite me chasing it repeatedly 🙄

A second referral was put through after weeks of chasing our doctor… apparently there is only 1 doctor for everyone in Hull or at least that’s how CHCP make me feel.

Let’s just point out that in this time he had fully outgrown a standard stroller and I had purchased a second hand adaptive Maclaren Major Elite stroller specifically designed for children from 6 months to approximately 8 years. It was expensive but worth it and William was comfortable and safe. It wasn’t going to last us forever but would do until we got sorted because let’s remember, covid fucked us in regard to appointments and referrals for the last 2 years.

The actual appointment with wheelchair service came much later, in fact it was October last year. Williams dad took him and he was assessed by a clinician, a clinician who decided that a Maclaren chair wasn’t suitable and he wouldn’t issue one for us but would look at a PWB which is a personal wheelchair budget and we could potentially gets a different stroller as long as its deemed suitable. Brilliant!

Fast forward 2 weeks and there is a fucking wheelchair sat in my hallway!

The delivery guy came and I turned him away. This wasn’t right for my son. We had discussed the issues with a wheelchair like this, in ridiculous depth with the PWB worker but she sent the chair back and I was forced to accept it. It just took up space in my already crowded office.

They all agreed it wasn’t suitable for Williams need so why was it sent? Why would they not collect it claiming it would leave William without suitable provision. That whole scenario was just mind numbing. How could a self propelled wheelchair be suitable for William? There was exposed velcro which would cause him sensory problems. Plus many many more issues including hygiene and safety with William being able to access the wheels.

The woman who dealt with us said she was referring it back to a clinician to get us a Tendercare Snazzi stroller but then she left NRS and it was handed over to someone different. The gent who took over ignored all calls and emails and only came back to me after I went on social media and Trustpilot publicly shaming them for failing to assist my son. Then he was suddenly able to reply to my multitude of emails.

Suddenly a Maclaren was suitable but they couldn’t provide one due to stocking issues but they can offer me the Tendercare Snazzi. I immediately accepted it and queried when delivery would take place and collection of the chair. I felt the Snazzi was suitable for his needs and that’s all that mattered.

But wait…

The Snazzi is out of stock 🤔 but they can offer me an off brand Maclaren knockoff or a Tendercare Snappi. The PWB guy told me to take the knockoff as similar to what we asked for… you know the one they were telling me wasn’t suitable for my 4 year old but designed for much younger 🙄 Needless to say I declined this option and went for the Snappi.

And based on his face… I made the right decision.

It’s been a long wait and it’s been worth it in the end but there shouldn’t have been a such a wait at all. There are so many failings in the NHS in regard to referrals themselves and again with services such as NRS. I hope they take my trustpilot review on board and look into what went wrong so that no one else goes through the heartache of chasing a service or even just replies that aren’t coming.

Apologies for spelling and grammar etc but I’ve wrote this one on my mobile 🤣

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Posted in Brief updates

Hit the Deck

This post is a little out of character for me but it’s about my relationship, have you ever just had a moment in which you realise that your feelings are right. I’ve known for quite some time that I love L and Little Miss and I’ve not kept that a secret from anyone but today something happened which solidified that and made me think that maybe my choice in men isn’t as terrible as my decree absolute would suggest 🤣

Although Thursdays are traditionally days L & I bring our families together for a playdate, we have had one today which is a Friday and since both kids have previously been under the weather, we opted to stay inside but go out at the same time. We went to The Deep. If you haven’t been then you need to, especially if you are in Hull or the surrounding areas as 1 admission price gets you in for the full year. This will definitely give us something to do on rainy Thursdays going forward.

I like The Deep in general, I think the year long ticket is incredible value if you go more than once. Under 3’s go for free which saved us money in regard to Little Miss but for 2 adults and one child, there wasn’t much change from £50. So I will say it again (for the cheap seats in the back) go more than once!

The last time that I took William to the deep, he was about a year old and in a pram. Today I opted not to take the Maclaren, it’s a risk as it means if he refused to walk, I would have to carry him all the way around but I wanted him to be able to get up close with the exhibits and engage with them and he did so I am so pleased that I took that risk. Ooh another big bonus for The Deep is that blue badge holders park for free!

The kids pretty much did their own thing, leading L and I in different directions and enjoying the fish, the colours and the bright lights but they came together and sat nicely watching some fish and I had this little flash of them growing up together and remembering these random days out.

There was a medical incident in which the exit was blocked off, if you’ve been before, it was the tunnel you walk through on the way to the stairs and lift. This mean that the final area (where the soft play used to be) turned into a bottle neck. Lots of people, means lots of noise. It was warm and there was little communication from staff meaning no one really knew what was going on. As a natural worrier, I was a little freaked out about the many more people making their way through to that area but my feelings were not as bad as Williams. I could articulate mine and make myself feel better but William couldn’t and he became quite distressed. Once we made it out and near the main elevators, William had become so overwhelmed that he laid on the floor in a meltdown. As Williams Mom, I think nothing of dropping to the floor with him, stroking his head and telling him that he’s ok and i’m here. I’ve even sang to him in front of people and believe me, I am tone deaf… but we do what is right for our kids.
Without a second hesitation L & little miss got on the floor next to us and comfort William until he is ready to get up. People stared and probably passed judgement without understanding but in that moment, we all sat on the dirty floor and let people walk around us. I would have always been there but L & little miss chose to be there… Now that’s a whole new level of love 💕

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Posted in Brief updates, EHCP Process

Shortest post ever

I’m crying, everybody is crying and for once its good news!

William has been accepted into my first-choice specialist school!! 🙌🏼😃🏫🤪💪🏼

I feel this wave of relief, I feel like tonight I can sleep better knowing that the end is in sight, we are not in limbo anymore and he has a school that will suit his needs.

His start date is September, and I don’t know what will happen once he finishes nursery in March as we all know that he is entitled to an education from then and the goal was for the Local Authority to secure a place for the spring term but that’s not happened but at least I know that something is happening and a timeframe for the first time in years, I have a review meeting soon with our Senco and hopefully it will discuss what will be in place until September, so I will keep you posted on that, but the main thing is that he has a school!

L and I are going to celebrate and have a glass (or two) of fizz 🍾🥂

Much Love 🥰, M. x

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Posted in EHCP Process, Emotions

School Allocations Pt.2

I’m writing this in real time but by the time you read it, almost two weeks will have passed and hopefully I’ve composed myself although as I edit this, I doubt it…

 I feel like I have hit a roadblock, like Wiley Coyote has dropped an anvil on me… I’ve cried a lot today and when I say that I mean messy, loud angry crying. I had to take a little bit of time out of work as I broke things and shouted at nothing. The worst thing is… It hasn’t even made me feel better.

On Friday I received a reply to my monthly email chase about Williams school allocation, as you will be aware if you have read any posts previously, William is due to start school in the spring term. This is what his caseworker told me over the phone, its in his EHCP and has been a focal point of all our discussions since. I time my email after the Local Authority have their monthly meeting which is around the 15th of each month, and I usually get a generic reply in return but this time the reply stated that they will be in touch before his transition in September?! September?! SEPT-FUCKING-TEMBER!!!!

Now I want to be quite clear about this, but William’s case worker is an absolute bag of wank is quite illusive, at one point I didn’t believe he existed until he called me to tell me they had agreed that William required a specialist school… I could have kissed him, here appears this man to tell me good news and then follows it up with his EHCP, the news I had waited for, for what felt like forever. Fast forward to now and my opinion is very different. Now he’s that cunty manager that’s sends you bad emails or feedback just as they are leaving the building, we all know the type or see them on television. Out the door, shouting back ‘you need to work a double’
Richard does this, he replies to my monthly emails at 5pm on a Friday and if I have any follow up questions, I have to wait until he’s back in the office, not that he ever replies to my questions anyway 🙄

I have emailed him twice, the SEND team, left messages and have yet to hear back with any clarification, was it just a mistype in the email? Did he use the wrong generic template? I’ve emailed our SENCO and Williams nursery to garner some kind of insight into whatever is happening, and no one can help me, but all said they will try to find out. Surely it will be in William’s file somewhere about what the plan is for him transitioning into a school? I find it hard to believe that they don’t have some kind of CRM system so all parties can view notes etc.

My realisation is that if they fail to find William a place by the end of May then they have breeched the EHCP then it doesn’t give me enough time before September to take them to a tribunal. They’ve fucked us and I genuinely believe it’s on purpose, they know it would never get to court before then and they are using it to their advantage.

I have emailed several people within the SEND department now, Head of, standards officer and the review manager. I’m hoping someone can help me. If I have no responses within the next 48 hours, I will be writing to my local MP.

My anger is akin to that I felt last February, when they did something similar during the allocation process for last September 2021. I cried and broke things back then too. I’m hoping by the time that this post goes live, that I have updated it with good news or even any news at all, hence the delayed live date but I’m not feeling very hopeful.
My anger is almost painful, I feel hot and sad, hopeless, alone and scared but not surprised by it. My main source of anger is that fact that they don’t seem to care about William, they don’t care that he is missing out on education, he has nursery at the moment but from 29th March, they cannot legally keep him there. What happens after that? I work and William’s dad works, do we quit? Do we take unpaid leave? Who pays my bills? Who looks after William? Legally he needs to be in school, but they don’t seem to care. I’m back Asking myself the question…. WHY DOESN’T MY SON MATTER?!

I have had one response from anyone in the SEND team, one, singular… and it wasn’t from Richard (I’m not shocked by this in the slightest but if you still have any faith in the Local authority the please feel free to insert your own shocked face here) the email I receive wasn’t especially useful but it came through at 8.20 the evening after I sent it, I’m sure that’s not office hours so it was very appreciated. The person that replied was one of the email addresses I found on the internet and fired something off to in the hopes they could help. Sadly, they couldn’t as it wasn’t her department, but they did say they would forward on my concerns to Richard’s manager. No reply from her yet either so I’m not holding out hope.

I emailed my M.P, Karl Turner who according to other people is a community champion for his constituents. His office replied the day after my initial email stating they were going to reach out to the children’s service at Hull City Council and will be in touch with me once he has a response. Hopefully they will reply quicker to him than they do me, in fact hopefully they will reply full stop.

The whole situation just devastates me, how can Richard leave it over a week (at the time of writing this line) to reply to multiple emails, everyone else was emailed on the Tuesday and haven’t replied, how if that effective or efficient. I have always had understanding as I am fully aware that they are an understaffed and unfunded department but now my understanding has gone. I have waited patiently for them to do their jobs properly for over 2 years if not more and they have done nothing but let us down, lie to us and intentionally keep us in the dark and a week later, I am asking myself the same question as I did last week… WHY DOESN’T MY SON MATTER?!
If I was keeping William out of school there would be fines, and potentially prosecution and jail time, so who will be accountable now? Who will be in trouble for him not been in education? WHY ISNT HIS EDUCATION IMPORTANT WHEN IT’S SOMEONE ELSE’S RESPONSIBILITY?!

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Posted in Brief updates

New Year, same hopes and dreams

Its now 2022, how crazy is that?
It doesn’t feel like over 22 years ago when we were all relieved the millennium bug didn’t exist, you know that massive system issue that would affect computers and, in some cases, all electronic devices ⚡ How ridiculous is it that we thought that was possible 🤣

This is going to a big year for William, by the Easter term he should have a place in a specialised school. I’m under no illusion that’s its going to be easy… for example I contacted our case worker Richard on the 1st of December for some form of clarification on dates and have yet to receive a reply. When I email the main address, it usually takes two or three emails for anyone to bother replying and its usually a ‘no update’ generic response and that they will contact me, but I like to chase each month as its better to be an irritation and remembered than be forgotten. Those who speak the loudest are usually remembered. 📣

We were lucky enough to qualify for legal aid and have a solicitor on standby due to this after the failings in the local authority already. This isn’t because I want to sue although they did ask if I wanted to push for compensation… but why take money from an already underfunded department, in my opinion that would just be adding to the problem. They are on standby in case the promise of a specialised school by the term after his birthday is broken. They made this promise verbally and on his EHCP which is a legally binding document.

This is probably the biggest battle war we will face because once he has a place then he is in the right form of education until he reaches young adulthood… then we fight the next war.
Everything else, although it’s a battle isn’t as huge as schooling. (Although wheelchair services are currently the thorn in my side right now, but I’ll sort that out as and when)

This is going to be our year; I can feel it. It may not be easy, but it will definitely be the year in which things start falling into place for us and this Momma Bear will be able to have a rest from fighting. 🐻

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Posted in Brief updates

Lets have a catch up – November 2021

Do you know what I want, what I long for?

Its sounds terrible but I would love for William to call out for me in the night… ‘Mom. Mom. Mom’ for him to need me to help him get settled. For him to want to be in bed with me and find comfort in my arms.

I speak to other parents, some who say their child will not settle without them, some who relish in the closeness and some who refer to their children as a barnacle come bedtime 🤣 some tell me I’m lucky, but I don’t feel it. I have a child that on one hand doesn’t need me but on the other needs me more than children his age usually do.

William rarely reaches out for me for comfort or safety… he finds this himself by going to a safe place on his own and shutting down. This could be his bedroom, the armchair in my living room or his stroller but never in me. Are we right in the need we have in relation to our children? I suppose it all comes back to the expectations we hold based on other families and what we see on TV but my child isn’t like other children and he isn’t like Sheldon Cooper or Joe Hughes and sometimes I struggle to get passed that but on other occasions I embrace it.

Hull fair was here 🎢

I took William with the guy I am dating and his daughter (Little Miss)… we had initially planned to go on the Thursday which is our standing playdate but William was having a great day on the Saturday so we went early which worked out so well.
The fair was busy as it was its first weekend day but since we went for about 2pm, it wasn’t as busy as it would be later in the evening. Both children seemed to love it.

It was the best picture we were getting 😂

Sadly there weren’t really any rides that I felt William would be safe on to ride on his own but he most definitely enjoyed the food and the atmosphere.
I used Williams parking pass for the first time and it made things so much easier, we paid to park but used the disabled section which made getting William out of the car into his stroller really simple, purely because it removed an anxiety I usually have about potentially damaging someone’s car.

As we walked round the fair and watched Little Miss go on numerous rides, William was smiling and clapping his hands with joy. Granted its sometimes difficult to tell because of his face…

Happy face, I promise.

Believe it or not, William wasn’t possessed in this photo but was in fact super happy because he had visited the girls next door and claimed their bed 🤣
This was how he looked during our walk around the fair, this was only his second ever visit to the fair but he remembered the sugar doughnuts very well as you can see.

2019 v 2021

It’s a nice little tradition for me and William but one we can hopefully continue with Little Miss, we both enjoy the lights, music and food. Despite the anxiety that comes with it, it is most definitely worth it, and the highlight of our October before Halloween. I love Halloween, my dad used to turn the lights out and ignore the door much to my mom’s dismay, but I am the complete opposite; pumpkin out and little goodie bags for the kids. This year I had my little vampire to help me.

I want to suck your blood eat your candy

He wasn’t a fan of coming to the door with me but loved playing with the bubbles in his goodie bag and eating copious amounts of sweets. 🍬🍭

Williams Pica seems to have gotten worse and he is even more determined to eat his nappy, after a frantic phone call to 111 due to his poop being full of nappy crystals, I discovered they are none toxic and as long as he isn’t being blocked up by them, then he will be ok and based on previous issues, I am a pro at establishing if he is blocked up… I do not want to go through another regime to clear him out. 🤮 I’m a little lost regarding how I stop him eating it as he is soo determined. During the day I can run interference, but I cannot seem to stop him on a night, he has adaptive sleepsuits (these zip up in the back) and baby grows. I’ve even been putting a pair of boxers of the nappy to restrict access, but nothing seems to stop him, and I don’t feel like there is much support out there for this.

I chased up his school place only to be told there is no update, and they will let me know when they have one, but I won’t be fobbed of that easily and will be chasing each month after their allocation meetings going forwards. We will not be forgotten about. I also chased the sensory pathway referral as that has been a non-starter since it was mentioned in July and am awaiting an update.

William was back at the eye hospital last month for a check up and just like every other time, he didn’t cooperate, and they cannot dismiss him as a patient until they can conduct a full test…. They think all is good but don’t want to take any chances which is brilliant of them.

We have an upcoming paediatrician appointment next week and an impending review with Williams senco and nursery so I will make sure to keep you all posted on those.

No update on wheelchair services although William’s dad is chasing them; they initially offered us a wheelchair which isn’t practical for William, so we asked about a new adaptive stroller instead and are awaiting their decision. It only took a year after the referral to get this far 🙄

And finally, the dreaded DLA renewal has thumped onto my doormat, so I have lots of tears incoming due to how brutally honest you have to be, although you never know, it may be easier for me this time since I started sharing our journey… who knows 🤷‍♀️

All our love as always 😘, M. X

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Posted in Emotions

Overcast

There is no manual for being a parent, there are help books and forums that can point you in the right direction, but what if your child has autism? Every single day is different and thing which have been successful in the past may not work out in the future.
If there was a manual for William, then I would give up everything I have for just an indication that I was doing something right.

Days like today are tough, I don’t know if it’s because I was already feeling a bit low, but the most insignificant thing tipped me over the edge… Orbeez. They are these tiny little beads that grow much bigger when in water and anyone who has used the will probably think it was the disposal that I found traumatising, but it wasn’t. We have used these on a fair few occasions and William has loved them with no incident, so much so that I had 50 thousand of the little fuckers to fill the bath with. He didn’t want to get in and lashed out at me, then he grabbed handfuls of them and threw them all over the bathroom but decided he did in fact want to get in and proceeded to fight me as I tried to remove his nappy. Once in the tub it went even further downhill as he started eating them… FUCK YOU PICA! I kept stopping him putting them in his mouth but, his other hand was ready with a fistful to shovel in and holding onto both was near on impossible. Getting him out the bath felt the same as he didn’t want to so flopped himself down and flopping about when I tried to grab a hold of him.
It felt like hours, just stopping him eating them (and failing) and trying to coax him out of the bath.

I wrapped him in a towel, and he snuggled into me, I sat there telling my four year old that I didn’t know what I was doing and that I would try to do better, that he deserves a better mom than me. It was all very dramatic even for my standards over a few non-toxic water beads. 🙄

I’m just having one of those days in which I feel like I am not good enough, these kind of days just creep up on you like a small grey cloud in the sky but before you even notice you are suddenly in a thunderstorm. That’s how my head feels today.  A little overcast and very dark ☁ but I am sure it will pass… just like the Orbeez.

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Posted in Emotions

Non-Starter

Let’s have a moment of silence for all those moms that expected this week to be something it isn’t…

Let’s think of those parents whose children are starting mainstream schools; those parents who are scared that this isn’t the right environment for their child and the parents who know it isn’t the right environment for their child but whose hands were forced.

Let’s think of the parents like myself whose children are yet to be allocated a suitable school. Whose children are getting left behind.

But let’s also celebrate the parents of all the four-year-olds out there who are happily and successfully starting their school journey. I will like their first day pictures on Facebook and comment about how adorable and grown up they look, but it’s tinged with sadness on my part.

We are back at the stage of jealousy for me, the green-eyed monster has reared its ugly head…
‘Why isn’t that my child?’
‘Why do that child’s parents get all these experiences that I once dreamed of?’
‘What did I do wrong, and they do right?’

Its stupid to think that way and usually its easy to swat away those thoughts like flies but right now its hard. I think that’s because its everywhere, social media, supermarkets, TV. There is no escape from what this week is. Its the start of the school year! Whoop de fucking whoop!

I wanted to photograph William in my street as me and H were outside my mom’s, I wanted to take photos with next doors youngest girl as she is starting secondary school, both in their slightly big but immaculate uniforms on their first days…but that isn’t happening.

I was naive and booked this week off work, I’m not so why as we were no closer to William securing a suitable setting but I guess I will still hopeful (or still had my head in the sand who knows 🤷‍♀️) I envisioned walking him to school and meeting other parents, talking about how big our kids are and how they’ve grown up so fast, how it was only yesterday when they were still in nappies and toddling around. I feel hard done to, and I know how bad that sounds as William is such a beautiful child and I wouldn’t change him for the world, but right now I feel robbed. Robbed of the firsts in which I expected. Every day with William is wonderful but as his peers are growing up and moving on, he just isn’t. We are in the same place we were 2 years ago, nursery, nappies, messy mealtimes… don’t get me wrong, I do know and fully appreciate how far he has come in those two years but this week its hard.

My week off will now be dedicated to decorating, continuing the journey of turning my house into a home, something to keep me busy and my mind occupied as we follow the same routine we have for years. I’m so grateful that William’s nursery said they would keep him as long as possible, but that journey should have naturally ended now, and it hasn’t.

So again, let’s just take a moment for those moms whose week isn’t as expected, those who instead feel angry about it, disappointed, upset. Those moms who may spend this morning crying into their coffee, writing angrily at a laptop or smiling through the heartache or in some cases all three.

All my love to all moms out there, no matter the situation you are in this week 😘 M. x

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