Posted in Brief updates, Emotions

Single parent

Did you know there are around 1.8 million single parents in the UK โ€“ they make up nearly a quarter of families with dependent children. 1.62 million of these are women. I never really thought about this until it happened to us.

I could lie to you all and say we have had an easy ride of things recently but I think you probably know that’s not the case. This is a big adjustment period for me and more importantly for William.

My main focus is to continue to ensure William has a good solid routine in place which is pivotal to him. He is keeping me extremely busy as he seems to be struggling with this huge change in his life, bed times and mornings are now only ever with me and I don’t think he enjoys them very much. He fights and kicks me when I try to change his clothes, runs away from me and screams but we get it done.

We take the dog for nice little walks (well he walks us๐Ÿ•โ€๐Ÿฆบ) which William seems to really enjoy even though he is in the comfort of his stroller and flat of refuses to do any walking. I’m tempted to stay at home and just tie the dog to the stroller and let him pull it arpund the street like a sled ๐Ÿ›ท but I think that would constitute as child cruelty or animal cruelty. Maybe neglect? So I best continue to go with them ๐Ÿคฃ

We are eating healthier (as healthy as a boy thats half chicken nugget will eat anyway๐Ÿ—) and trying to turn this into a positive thing for our lives and look to our future.

We’ve had meltdowns and shutdowns (from both of us๐Ÿ˜ญ) but we’ve come through it and these are getting less and less frequent on both parts. He is slowly adjusting to his new routine and I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel but its hard. Harder than it ever was before but we are doing ok. In fact we are more than ok, we aren’t just surviving like I thought we would. We are actually living thanks to our amazing support network of family and friends.

We can not thank everyone enough for reaching out to us, the doorstep visits, dropping off shopping and just being there for us. It means more than you all could ever know ๐Ÿ˜˜ Much love M x

Posted in Emotions

I F***ing hate you

Its nights like these I really wish autism was a physical being so I could kick the shit out of it. I fucking hate you autism you son of a bitch!!!

Its 11:30pm and William is still awake. He is calm and comfortable watching TV in his room. Before anyone jumps on the too young to have a tv in his room please remember that the only thing that can soothe William is the wonderful invention that is BabyTV and even then that’s only works some of the time. Could you imagine my neighbours during his frequent 4am screaming fits without it?

A little while ago it was a completely different story. William had spent the last half an hour or more hitting himself. Believe me it felt like a fucking lifetime. He doesn’t have a massive amount of strength in his arms so one little slap wouldn’t necessarily hurt anyone but he continuously slaps his stomach or legs with both hands until they are red. It’s really difficult to watch and if I try to restrain him he will lash out and bite me or become even more upset. And believe me when I say this he has the strength of a pitbull in those jaws.

Its these moments in which I feel like a huge failure as a mother.

I have tried everything to pull him out of these self harming states but nothing works so I tend hover in the hall or in his room and try to distract him but often just watch him and cry.

It makes me feel like an absolute failure as a mother. I’m supposed to protect him when someone hurts him… what am I supposed to do when he hurts himself?

The worst thing about this evenings episode was the reason he was hurting himself, it was something as simple as needing a poo and then the discomfort of needing changing afterwards. This has never been a cause before tonight and he is on medication to help him go but for some reason tonight it was an issue for him.

I need someone to blame. Someone to shout at. I write often about accepting that we are not to blame for William having autism but it was easier when we did think it was us because it was easy to direct hate at ourselves.

Who do I hate now? The diagnosis we still don’t officially have? The genetics that he may have inherited? The fluke that may have caused it? God? I just need something or someone to be mad at! I just need a reason… Why?

Posted in Events & Holidays

Happy birthday Harry!

Today was a great day! Today was Harry’s birthday party; the first party William has been invited to. I do worry that he won’t get many invites as he gets older due to his antisocial behaviour and his tendency to become overwhelmed.

I’m not going to lie to you as that isn’t what this blog is about. As you can guess today like most days started out badly. William had smeared the contents of his nappy everywhere ๐Ÿคข and when I tried to change him he repeatedly hit me with shitty hands and when I tried to stop him he bit me. I had to wake up David to help… not what he needed after a night shift but needs must๐Ÿ˜ด Breakfast wasn’t eaten, well not by William anyway. Rusty thoroughly enjoyed his toast this morning and William enjoyed trying to take a chunk out of my leg when I dared to take his plate away.

Once we were out of the house things took a much better turn. William was calm and happy which is always my favourite version of him. Don’t get me wrong I love every version of him but this one is just amazing. The happiness in his face is one of the purest things I have ever seen and even now when I hear his little laugh I well up a bit.

The party itself was at Hull Community Church which I must say was a brilliant venue. They have an amazing play area in the back which is like a imagination role play wonderland. It was a bit overwhelming for William who chose to be sat with me in the hall the entire time but it was amazing watching all the kids have a ball.

I worry about going to places like this with William incase parents make comments about him or he goes into full meltdown mode and they judge me for having a ‘naughty’ child but they were great and no one made us feel uncomfortable which for people that don’t know us is wonderful especially when we’ve learnt people close to us aren’t always that nice.

On his good days William has a big attachment to food. On his bad days he won’t eat at all but today wasn’t a bad day. As soon as the buffet was out he was there like a shot wanting popcorn. Thankfully Danielle and Simon have spent enough time with us to understand his attachment and happily gave him a plate full of popcorn.

I learnt today that William isn’t fond of the loudness that comes with lots of children who are in full blown party mode but he handled it so well. He rubbed his ears a lot but just cuddled up into my lap until they went back to play.

He even chose to eat a sandwich! Which is a massive deal for William as he never touches bread as he can’t handle the texture but a cheeky egg mayo sandwich called out to him and he just grabbed it and wolfed it down… well not just one but 3! I nearly cried. Something so silly as an egg sandwich brought a little tear to my eye.

Toward the end as he was getting tired he became grouchy and when I had to put his shoes back on so that we could leave he started hitting himself but thankfully this only lasted about 30 seconds. ๐Ÿคž

I don’t know if any of you have seen the original Series of Unfortunate Events with Jim Carey but at one point William was hanging from the dining tables by his teeth doing a Sunny Baudelaire.
Not many parents have the pleasure of telling their child to stop eating the table. ๐Ÿคฃ We also narrowly avoided him biting into a balloon. ๐ŸŽˆ

Once the party was over we went back to theirs to watch Harry open his presents and other than munching on a few envelopes William was content watching him and he enjoyed the rest of our day relaxing and playing with Harry’s trains. He is very comfortable with their little family which makes me feel less worried about his future and the level of understanding people have.

Today was definitely a really good day๐Ÿ˜Š

Posted in Emotions

Fathers and Sons

Watching the fireworks for the first time…

I have always worshipped my Dad. I always wanted to gain his approval. It’s not that I didn’t already have it but I didn’t want to risk losing it.
I waited until I was married before we started trying for a baby, You know the ‘right’ way.

I spent summers walking around garden centers with him as he picked out new plants for his pond, I spent nights listening to Jim Reeves and Johnny Cash and he used to let me stay up late unless I yawned… as soon as I yawned it was time for bed. This was a great trick I planned to use in the future.

My dad was the only boy out of three. He had an older sister and a twin sister.
His eldest sister had a daughter, His twin had 2 daughters and he had Me and Helen.
Helen then had my beautiful Niece.
When we finally fell pregnant I was desperate for a boy. I had always wanted a little boy, I’m not sure why but deep down I think it was secretly for my dad.
I tried to convince myself we were having a girl so that when our 21 week scan came round I wouldn’t be disappointed.

12 week scan

Now I don’t know if you have ever seen a baby scan at 21 weeks but they dont look anything like a baby. In fact William looked like an alien ๐Ÿ‘ฝ the print out we received was a close up of his terrifying little UFO face. As you can see he was cute and peanut shaped in his 12 week scan above and developed into E.T over the following 9 weeks.
We didn’t even need to ask what sex he was because the little exhibitionist that he was had his legs open the entire time, every time the sonographer tried to obtain measurements of different areas he moved to once again show us his little todger. ๐Ÿ˜ฒ

Holy shit we were having a boy! We were having a William Graham (my dad’s middle name and Dave’s dads first) and not an Alyson Rose. We immediately went shopping and purchased every blue baby grow we could find at Next, Matalan and Asda ๐Ÿ’ธ

I called the Hobmans and dad had said he knew one of us would break the curse eventually ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป I was so glad it was me.

I had visions of my dad taking him fishing, Dave taking him to watch Hull FC and eventually enrolling him a rugby club. ๐Ÿ‰

At least they all got the checked shirt memo.

Throughout our journey so far I had avoided discussing it with my dad, I don’t know why. Would he blame me? would he treat William differently? would he even understand?
My mum had always been the one to give him any updates before I shared anything publicly as I wasn’t ready for that conversation until it appeared in black & white and she asked me if I was telling him myself… and I did.
I made that phone call and held it together long enough to tell him what we knew which even though it wasn’t alot, was still enough.
I don’t remember the exact conversation but my dad, who has never been a man of many words simply said something along the lines of ‘Well it doesn’t matter does it. He’s happy and that’s all that matters and has two parents who are doing a great job’ conversation over.
There was an immediate relief that rushed through me and I sat a cried. Not silent tears but loud, snotty, messy ones. I couldn’t even explain why I was crying and Dave just held me.

My dad has always had William few hours each week until I get home from work. They both seem to really enjoy this time together as they are always snuggled up when I get home as you can see below.

On Wednesdays we cuddle Grandad

Tonight I took a leap and I went to see my dad and for the first time we spoke face to face through Williams next steps. He was so positive and encouraging. I’m not going lie, It took all my strength to hold it together and not cry.

I feel guilty about thinking he would be any different. He had never done anything that indicated he would be but in my head we were letting him down. Even though I am now 30 I still need him to be proud and tell me everything is ok.

He treats William the same way he always has because his difficulties don’t change anything. He is still our son and his grandson and if my mum voiced her suspicions to him like she did me then he probably knew William was struggling long before I could admit it to myself.

They can still go fishing ๐ŸŽฃ or do anything else a grandad does with their grandson; They can kick a football in the park, walk Rusty together (as long as William picks up the poop ๐Ÿ’ฉ) or as time goes on, go to the pub where my dad can hustle him at pool like he did with Dave and my Father in Law ๐ŸŽฑ

I think a lot of my fears are down to my own insecurities which I then project onto others in an attempt to appear stronger than I actually am but I think as time ticks by I am getting better at being more open not only about Williams needs but also my own emotional ones.