Posted in Emotions

Friendships

I was thinking today about the things in life we may take for granted and to be honest the list is quite long, but I’ve settled on friends. I don’t mean that we take for granted our friendships but the fact we have them at all.

I for one always thought that I struggled to make friends but then I look around me and back at the past. I may not have a large group of friends, but I have a really good selection. I know if I picked up the phone and called one of them for anything that they would be there and that’s something that some people don’t have. My forever friends aren’t all from the same pats of my life but rather from different times, which shows just how true they are. True friends don’t stay with you because you do the same things or know the same people. They stay because it feels right.

I remember being younger and playing with friends in primary school, partaking in every craze going, Pokémon, yo-yos, crazy bones, and everything else our parents probably hated. We ran around in our summer dresses pretending to be the spice girls whilst obsessively collecting their collectable photos for the album.

Why could I Not do the peace sign?
(Far Left)

I remember growing up down a little cul-de-sac and all the kids were of similar ages, I suppose that’s the advantage of moving into a new build area. Everyone buys their first homes and starts families, I guess. We played out from the moment someone knocked on our door and asked our parents if we were allowed, we didn’t leave the cul-de-sac and came home when the streetlights came on. We spent hours with our dollies pretending we were parents and hours with our craft sets playing at being teachers. Summers spent on the playing field at the top of the street building forts and treehouses, not letting the boys play with our girl gang and Barbies, hundred of Barbies with missing shoes and as we got into our teenage and stopped playing out, we would still come together like friends and neighbours do.

Apparently I was immune to the cold weather.
(Third from the left)

As a teenager, I remember hanging around in my local park or friends back gardens whose parents were more laid back than mine. We would drink awful cheap cider and acted like mini adults. We partied, we drank, we smoked and stayed up late talking about absolute rubbish, thinking we were older than we were and worried about problems that seemed huge at the time but minuscule now.

Obviously there was some very poor quality cameras on the go back then.
(Third from the left)

As an early adult, like most do we drank, we partied and went out three or four nights a week, fuck paying the bills and being on time for work when we can have fun. We were stupid and immature and thought that because we were of adult age we could look after ourselves, but we were wrong. We weren’t ready for the things that life threw at us and we suffered for it.

Macys next to the portland hotel… 2 for 1 drinks to start the night.
(Back right)

We flicked between friend groups and changed our interests to fit in, as someone who doesn’t drive (I am learning… slowly all these years later) would you ever think I belong to a car club? No? well I did. We drove around for hours every night. Parked up in car parks and down quiet streets and probably irritated all the local residents, we camped out in little Ford Kas and Corsa’s and went to rallies and shows. We worked on cars in driveways, kitchens and anywhere you could. I knew what engines were in what cars, despite what insurance certificates said. If we look at youngsters driving now, they’re all driving financed new cars. Where is the pride of building up your own clapped-out banger and adding a spoiler?

Donnington show, free cans of Monster were thrown at us from a monster truck
(Next to the guy in the daft black hat on the left)

As time went on, I grew more responsible and got my own place, focused more at work but still partied on the weekends. Slipping into new friend groups with ease. We spent weekends partying at the beach camping and drinking, listening to live bands, we swam in the dirty ocean without worrying about disease and would stay up hours chatting about life and what we want in the future unaware that we were already living our futures as we partied.

P on the Beach
(Far left)

And then all of a sudden, we are full on adults, proper homes, proper jobs, responsibilities, beautiful children, marriages, divorces, and challenges that we fight and battle every day. We can come together when we all have time but it’s so difficult to schedule anything, but it doesn’t matter. We have different friends with different interest. Some will go to harry potter quiz night, some will come to your house for a cup of tea to sit and put the world to right, some will dye your hair, some you won’t see in months or even years but when you finally do it’s like you have never been apart.

Celebrating my birthday
(Far right)

My point of this is to say that over the years I have had many friend groups and found it relatively easy. Some came from location, some from work, some from circumstance but it was easy but what if it wasn’t? I look at William who is always alone, it doesn’t seem to bother him, but I wonder if he knows he doesn’t have friends, I wonder if it’s something he wants but he doesn’t know how to get it.  Does he see children playing together and want it but it’s too hard for him? Or is it just something I want for him? I think about the children in his class and how they can interact with each other, and I want that for William. I want him to experience friendships, even the ones that crash and burn, the ones that you realise are one sided and the ones you will remember and cherish forever.

For now, William is happy on his own or at least I think he is. He’s so inside his own head and I would give up everything I have just to know what he is thinking. Is his inner voice as cute as the fleeting moments I’ve heard his real voice? Does his inner voice feel trapped within his disabilities? He forms connections with adults easily, I mean let be serious we have all seen him and Big Nan and that’s love and kinship, so he is capable, does he maybe just not like other children? Do they not engage with him in the way he likes or understands? Is that why he ignores them?

Boys best friend?

I look at this picture and he loves his dog, and Rusty loves him but is it enough? I will always be William’s mom; his advocate and I would like to think I will always be his best friend, but I do want more for him. I want what I had? What most people had?
William’s dad and I have booked his first proper birthday party for next year and we will be inviting his whole class which I am very much looking forward to, but I have this feeling that William won’t notice if his classmates are there or not. He will be more focused on Big Nan, his dad and his partner or me and Liam. I guess until we try these things, we just don’t know but I want him to have a friend. I want playdates and sleepovers and I guess in a way I want him to want that too.

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Posted in Events & Holidays

The 1st Family Holiday 2022

I’ve said it a few times but i’m saying it again, I am really trying to be more open to taking William to experience new things so, in for a penny, in for a pound as they say. Instead of another day out. We booked a weekend away! Talk about going from one extreme to another but you know me, I like to jump in with both feet and then act like I’m drowning 🤣

We booked a little cabin near Malton, Coopers Cabin to be precise. If you click the image it should take you to the link.

Coopers Cabin, Malton Grange Lodges

The cabin itself was lovely, although there was a slight hiccup when we got there, it hadn’t been cleaned which meant we couldn’t relax, they sent a lady (Louise) who was brilliant and compensated with a bottle of prosecco but the whole situation put a massive dampener of the start of our holiday especially with the kids already having a super long day and then not being able to settle down straight away. It’s also made me a bit worried about getting our security deposit back, because the cabin wasn’t as thoroughly cleaned as it usually would have been, I am concerned anything the previous occupiers may have done with impact us especially the hot tub as they state that if the filters need changing they will hold back the deposit, I highly doubt that the filters were checked and we notice there was scum around the filter entrance… we shall see what happens with the deposit. They have been asking me review them already but I shall wait until the money is back in my account.

The cabin was spacious and had a master bedroom with ensuite, a second bedroom with 2 single beds which Wilster and I shared and a pull out double (ish) sofa bed in the lounge. As you may be aware from our usual ‘Annual Hobman Family Holidays’ sharing a room with William is not ideal but its also not always horrendous. He woke me up the first morning by prying my eyelids open and trying to shove my glasses on my face whilst laughing like a physcopath, Thats was 3am… 😴 needless to say I mad my way to the spare sofa. The following day he woke me up by doing was I can only describe as physio, he was stretching and bending my legs and then quicky switched to torture by pulling my big toe and other toes in seperate directions but he also climbed onto my back at one point and fell back to sleep so it’s not all bad and I relish in that moment he wants me as comfort to go to sleep as it doesn’t happen very often.

I worried about taking William on a train but I embraced it and we were lucky enough to catch the Pickering steam train up to Goathland (Heartbeat Land) It was the trains first run out in three months due to the track side fires caused by the immense heat this summer. Sadly it was pulled off after our trip due to an issue with the coal so we were doubly lucky. The noise, smells, movements and people were all things I had thought about before taking the leap, not to mention Williams chair. I would like to give a big shout out to the staff at NYMR especially Adrian Sartain (not sure if I have spelt that right) but he was amazing and really looked after us and put me at ease on what was an anxiety inducing journey for me. I tweeted NYMR so that they would pass my thanks on to him.

I’m not sure why I was so worried because William often surprises me, I have an amazing video of William laughing and giggling whilst I will post to our facebook page. He thoroughly love the journey and proved once again that new experiences aren’t always a bad thing and don’t require my overthinking and stressing (not that I will ever stop) He is constantly surprising me, keeping me on my toes and not always in a bad way haha 🤣

Have you ever felt like an outsider? like you don’t really belong somewhere, having to try hard to fit in but never really doing so… I guess it’s the true sign of an introvert. Believe it or not this statement isn’t about William, it’s about me. I can honestly say that this weekend I truly felt a part of something. I felt so at peace just sat with my new extended family and talking about rubbish, being honest about parenthood, my relationship and not feeling judged in the slightest. I felt accepted without the pressures I have faced in the past to behave as those around me do. Not only did I feel accepted and welcomed but I know that William felt it too, Just look at these pictures and see how comfortable he was.

Our next excursion was Flamingo land, again I was worried. He likes the fair that comes to Hull but its not as expensive and easier to get home and back to his comfort zone.
The first thing I will say, is that it’s soo fucking expensive! We should have pre-booked but because the weather was due to be torrential, we chose not to and boy was that a mistake. £50 per person is daylight robbery especially for a 5 year old!

Flamingo Land has changed alot since I last went (about 18 years ago😱) but fundamentally it’s the same.
Little Miss absolutely loved it, she wanted to go on every single ride but sadly she isn’t called Little Miss for no reason and she was too small to go on the majority of the ones that took her fancy. The log flume was the one she was most looking forward to and she was too dinky, her dad did sneakily stand her in the splash zone at the side of the ride so that they got sprayed as the ride hit the water. I think she took it as a good consolation but we have vowed to take her back next year but measure her before as she needs to 3.6ft tall.
There were plenty of rides aimed at her age height group but they weren’t as daredevilish as she likes.

That being said, she did have an amazing time and thoroughly enjoyed the experience, including going round the zoo section.
Williams experience is a little more difficult to explain, he coped really well being inside the park but I don’t believe he got a great deal of enjoyment from it, at one point he even had a nap but then again I’m not surprised since he had woken me at 3am 🙄 He’s really hard to read during these situations so he could have really enjoyed, could have just tolerated it but I know he didn’t hate it as he always makes that clearly known 🤣

We ate out on both nights at The Smithy Arms, clicking their name will take you to their facebook page, I highly recommend them as their menu was varied, portion sizes plentiful (although if you order fish & chips, don’t be alarmed if half a battered whale turns up🐋) and their food was very tasty without charging the earth. The kids menu was brilliant (every kids meal included dessert) and they were very accomodating for William in his chair. If we book again for next year we will most definitely go back.

Our first holiday in my eyes was a huge success, don’t get me wrong, it was really nice to get home and relax but I would go back in a heartbeat and do it all again… And now starts the countdown to our next adventure 🥰

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Posted in Events & Holidays

Peppa Pig Live – 23/07/2022

I despise Peppa Pig, in fact I think in my last post that I referred to her as a talking piece of bacon but lets be serious… she is an absolute brat but… the kids love her 🙄

Let’s put it this way, Peppa Pig Live was not exactly on my bucket list but William’s Aunty Debbie was kind enough to get us all tickets. She’s really good like that, tries to push me out of my comfort zone whilst be ridiculously nice haha. I would never have gone, not just because she needs to be in a sandwich but because I would have been so anxious about how william would react and if it would be too much for him but after our successful beach trip, I was all in.

I love our little blended family and this was the first big event other than Hull Fair that we have been to like this, so that added pressure maybe didn’t help my anxiety but despite this I was actually really excited.

The performance was in Bridlington at the Spa, starting at 10am so it meant we had to be fully on it in the morning to get everything in the car, the kids fed and sorted etc. Since the performance was in Bridlington we took advantage of being at the beach and the fact the weather was going to be nice and decided to make a full day of it so the car was pretty full with beach toys, blankets, picnic, the works.

A stressed but happy family at 8am 🥰

The drive down was easy, both kids were happy sat in their car seats as we sang along (badly) to cheesy music. It honestly felt like we arrived within seconds rather than 45 minutes.

So now onto some bad points… have you ever tried to find disabled parking in Bridlington? There is a place near the Spa but it seems to always be full. there are no sign posts indicating disabled parking anywhere. We parked at the harbour an managed to get a spot that had extra room to be able to get Williams chair out of the car, this wasn’t a disabled bay, just a lucky find.

Let’s talk about toilets, anyone with a child or a person that needs assistance in changing them will know that some disabled toilets are just not suitable. Imagine my surprise to find these… ‘South Cliff Gardens Public Convenience’
For the first time in forever, I remembered to take Williams Radar key and I am so glad I did… I’m not sure if I am overreacting but I feel like I have hit the jackpot for fully accessible toilets.
Handrails, space for moving a chair with a large turning circle, sharps/hazardous waste bins, adjustable electric changing table, in perfect working order and a fully working electrical hoist system. I was honestly amazed and had to take some photos (once I had changed William obviously) All the equipment was clean and worked perfectly. If you do visit bridlington and are in need of an accessible bathroom then I would highly recommend this one! 🏆

We made our way to the Spa with plenty of time to collect our tickets, I had called them in advance (a few times🤣) to ensure they had a wheelchair space available for us. I would hate to have to disappoint the kids if it wasn’t accessible to us once we had arrived. The staff had reserved us the wheelchair space and 3 accompanying seats in advance which meant there was no hustle and bustle once we had arrived. The spaces were in a perfect location meaning that we had full visibility of the performance but were also away from the bulk of attendees which I think helped William acclimatise to the noise. I think if the performance had been full then he may not have coped as well.

The show started and William was a little upset however he soon realised that he wasn’t been tortured (although I was 🤣) and that it was actually something enjoyable for him. He laughed, he clapped and ate all the snacks. He love it, as did Little Miss who was singing, dancing and joining in with interactive songs and I will only ever admit this once but it wasn’t actually that bad. The show focused more on a human rather than Peppa which made it bearable. I would even go as far as to say that I would take the kids again… Why wouldn’t we want to go when they both loved it so much?

We are back onto the conversation about toilets, the show was about an hour and twenty minutes with a mid way interval. They sold Mr Moos ice cream so Liam & Little Miss grabbed us some whilst I took William to the toilets. The disabled facilities where also baby change facilities which meant there was a large queue with it being a children’s performance. I understand when places need to do this but somewhere as large as Bridlington Spa should be able to have separate facilities or incorporate baby changing into the mens and womens toilets (because let’s face it, men change bums too but yet places tend to put the facilities into only the women’s! 😡)

The toilet was tiny, the first picture was taken with my back against the closed door, the second from the same location as the changing table was in sort of a recess.
The changing table was not suitable for William, It was not built to hold his weight… I thought I was passed having to change Williams bum on a dirty toilet floor, sadly I was wrong. If you aren’t going to have fully accessible toilets (handrails do not make you fully accessible!) then at least have a clean fucking floor! 🤢

The kids fleeced us for merchandise, Little Miss got a glittery pink tote bag and Will;ster got the Mr Dinosaur soft toy which was a massive success. I mean they were super expensive but worth every penny. The venue isn’t daft as they place the merch stand in a place that is unavoidable upon entering or leaving the performance and even had a gent who stood at the from of the stage before the show, advertising the toys. It may put some parents in a horrid situation in which they maybe can’t afford to buy their children these items in which they are having waved in front of their faces. Young children don’t understand that money isn’t always readily available.

Once the performance was over we headed off for lunch and went to the Stirling Castle. Little Miss had a cheeseburger kids meal and William had a sunday dinner, both of them did really well with their food and they were perfect portions for children. The pub itself was very accomodating, lots of space to navigate the chair, no overcrowding and patient staff who didn’t scoff when William started throwing his chicken on the floor, I do pick it up though. I didn’t check out the toilets but I would still highly recommend them for a quick lunch. Pricewise I think it was good too, about £35 for 2 adult meals, 2 kids meals and 4 drinks.

Then time to get sand between our toes, we grabbed our picnic stuff, beach wear and found a good spot on the beach. William immediately tried to run off into the sea. I think I upset him a little since I stopped him in order to change his clothes but once he was sorted he was off. Little Miss was a bit more patient and was happy playing in the sand rather than wanting to swim out to sea. Liam took William as far out as he could, William was laughing and splashing the entire time, then Little Miss was ready to go for dip. William had a bit of a shutdown at this point, I’m not sure if it because he was cold, the sensory aspect of wet sand, clothes etc or maybe he just wanted to be back in the water but he picked his usual position…

He reached out for my hand and stayed there for quite a while just blocking out the world (I think we all wish we had that ability and I would class it as a superpower.🦸‍♂️), once Little Miss was out of the sea, she decided to comfort him and stroke his back. I have the most adorable video but I am unable to share it as my video editing skills aren’t very good and wasn’t able to hide her face. She did something similar not too long ago and I shared a small post and photo to our facebook page. Check it out by clicking here. Kids are so amazing in the way they just assess emotions and react.

Our final little bit of excitement before heading home was on a search for seafood, ice cream and donuts. William got his sugared donuts that he usually has at Hull Fair but I think the excitement was too much for him by this point and he maybe only had one small bite at a push. Liam searched for a dinosaur shaped ice cream (George had one in Peppa Pig 🙄) as that was all Little Miss wanted but nowhere sold anything like that so he fobbed her off with mint chocolate chip claiming it was ice cream that dinosaurs eat, he’s lucky it worked to be honest although he did end up wearing most of it as she was sat on his shoulders eating it and it was everywhere 🤣🍦 I am definitely my dads daughter and got myself some welks and a lobster tail which I imagine would have been really nice but a seagull decided it would be nice too, so hit me in the head and took the lot 😫🦅 I manned it out though, waited until I was out of the crowd before whinging about it and asking Liam if it had pooped in my hair. I know I have a big forehead but its not big enought to be a landing strip for birds!

The journey home wasn’t as fun as the journey there, Little Miss was fast asleep within seconds of her being in the car and William decided it was the perfect time try and eat as much of his nappy as humanly possible. We had to do an emergency pull over on someone’s drive to sort him out… It was the most stressful 15 minutes of the day, having nowhere to pull over and knowing I couldn’t do anything to stop him but it was all new for us so we will remember this next time and make sure he is more restricted in his clothes because there will be a next time… We must be gluttons for punishment. Paw Patrol Live here we come! Plus another day out at the beach with the full Hobman clan! 😲😜

ItemScore
Parking5/10
(It is available but there isn’t much of it and it’s not well signposted)
Bridlington Spa5/10
(Customer care & seats would make it a 10/10 but the toilet situation would be a 0/10)
Peppa Pig Live10/10
(Highly recommend for young kids or those with special needs.)
The Beach8/10
(Very clean but not too accessible, had to walk quite far for a ramp to go down with the chair)
Stirling Castle7/10
(Food good but not great, price reasonable and pub clean.)
Company 10/10
(Is there anything better than spending a day with your family?)
Seagulls0/10
(They owe me a fiver for the seafood! Flying B*****ds!)

I would take a 100 seagulls to the head to have more amazing days as a family, we might not all be blood but history has shown it doesn’t really matter. Much Love, M.x

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Posted in Events & Holidays

Overcautious

I don’t think I have taken William to the beach in at least 3 years, when we think about covid, it must have been summer 2019, that means William was only 2 when we first went to the beach which sadly was the last time until recently.
Back in 2019 he loved it, we struggled to keep him out of the water even as it got colder. For a child that at the time hated having a bath, he loved the sea.

Riding the waves with Auntie Nelen & Kaylee 2019 x

So much has changed since that photo. I was worried it would be a huge sensory overload for him and it made me anxious about it, but it was one of those situations in which I wasn’t just worried about how William would handle it but how I would handle William and I’m not sure which I was more fearful about, and I think that makes me a bit selfish and sometimes it takes a while for me to put that aside. I am only human after all. 🤷‍♀️ I do wonder how many other things that I have been so worried about, that its stopped me from actually experiencing them or letting William experience them. As a natural worrier, I don’t think this will ever stop but as long as I take a breath, things will eventually become clearer in my mind and I will suck it up and leap into new experiences.

Well we took that leap, We had taken Little Miss on an impromptu beach visit and felt we should do the same for William. The thought of it gave me that feeling you get in your stomach, the one in which you aren’t sure if your scared, nervous, excited or about to shit yourself. 💩

We took Williams blue badge so we could secure a parking spot with enough space to safely put him in his wheelchair which was also close to places of interest for him. First stop was obviously fish and chips, because are you even at the beach if you don’t get some and since we visited Hornsea, it had to be Sullivans 🤤 William was a little picky but demolished his chips and battered sausage (Insert comment here from my dad🤣) after a bit of coercion and alot of my curry sauce.

We then walked along the front burning off our food and desperately trying to avoid the little black beetles that seem to be out in force this year 🙄 Getting his chair on to the sand was a bit of a nightmare as we had to find a sloped entrance, pushing it across the sand took strength I didn’t know I had 💪 As soon as he was out of his chair, he was straight in the water. If I hadn’t have stopped him, it would have been a lot more than just a paddle but he absolutely loved it. I worried that the smell, sound and textures would be too overwhelming for him but he took it all in his stride and absolutely surprised astounded me. I think sometimes I am guilty of underestimating him, in fact I know I am guilty of it as this isn’t the first time I have been proven to be overcautious.

We ended our day with a cheeky trip to Mr Moos ice cream place, I had never been before but Williams uncle Jim had told us a few times about how good it was. Liam and I had what I would class as ‘Fat Bastard’ desserts, they were huge but got eaten 🤣 and since William doesn’t really like ice cream, he had a huge piece of cake and seemed to thoroughly enjoy trying to feed himself with a spoon, there wasn’t a crumb left on his plate.

As you can see he was truly exhausted after our little adventure and we are very much looking forward to our next one… Peppa Pig Live! Something I never thought I would do, Mainly because I hate that little bratty talking piece of bacon but also because I wasn’t sure how William would take to it but if we don’t try it we will never know!
I will keep you posted on how it goes as it’s a big thing for our little blended family but I’m sure it won’t be our last adventure.

Much love, M 😘x

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Posted in school

Sports day

When I think about sports days when I was a child, I think about playing football, buying tickets on the tombola, a table selling sweets, having a ticket to get my pre-chosen burger or hotdog 🌭 and running races against my classmates. As the token fat kid, I never came first but apparently according to Miss Daybell it was the taking part that counted 🙄

Liam and I went to the same primary school so this week as we have counted down to Williams first sports day, we have enjoyed reminiscing about our childhood and our sports days, our favourite teachers and activities. Sadly Williams dad and his partner couldn’t make it but there will always be next year.

I’m not sure what I expected Williams sports day to be like. I only had my own to compare it to and it wasn’t like that at all. I guess comparing sports day from a mainstream 90s primary and a specialist modern primary wasn’t a good idea but I do find it hard to stop myself. I guess I just expected more structure.

Now don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed it and it was lovely to be able to spend sometime with him in his school environment and see all the children in his class. I wanted to get to know the kids he spends 5 days a week with and hopefully understand more about William and how he interacts with them but sadly William showed me that he doesn’t really interact with them at all. He showed no interest in any of his peers at all. In fact he wasn’t really interested in me and was more interested in rough and tumble play with Liam.

Sports day dance session.

The kids moved from activity to activity and each one was utter carnage but in the best way. They were just being themselves, William collected the cones (In lieu of a net) during Volleyball, other children were pulling the curtains back and forth, one kept turning out the lights and it was great to see that they have that freedom to enjoy themselves rather than restrained by curriculum or harsh rules.

Playing Volleyball aka collecting cones 🤣

I guess the one thing that hasn’t changed since the sports days of my youth is that the heavens opened up and the remainder of the sports day was cancelled 🌧

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Posted in Emotions

The anatomy of a post

Its easier for me to write down how I am feeling, than it is for me to say it… I feel that by writing it down I am saying it as it needs to be said. No immediate questions and no way I can get tongue tied (although I do get a bit ranty) but I do understand that this sometimes leaves me a bit closed off as a person and that can make me hard work especially for those closest to me and I own that, I practically come with a disclaimer.

That being said writing something down doesn’t come easy to me either, I will over process something in my head until it becomes a huge issue before, I even show any inclination that something is bothering me, then I will let it fester before I even think about writing it down. The writing I find very cathartic, and it helps me process thing before I can freely talk about them.

I think I have explained previously that sometimes I write down feelings, thoughts and ideas into a little blue notebook and that book travels with me to meetings, appointments, and things of the like. Not everything becomes a post, sometimes things from months or years ago become recent posts as it resonates with something going on in our lives current day.

I wrote a post whilst about not being ready to date and how to trust someone around your child when they are non-verbal etc, but I had by the time it was posted already met my partner and was on the verge of introducing to our kids, he didn’t know about my blog back then, but I imagine had he read it, he may have had some questions 😂

I have a friend that called me about one of my posts a few months back (Yes this is about you, this time lol) thinking it had been spurred on by some comments she had made to me and was a little offended that I hadn’t spoken to her about it… Imagine little old me having no idea what comments she was talking about because that post had started out in the blue book months before and then lived in my drafts for weeks. I’m not saying that somethings aren’t based on recent events because they often are but the anatomy of most my posts is a lot more in-depth (sometimes) than hearing, reading, or thinking something and immediately having a rant about it.

Looking in the blue book today, I have about 67 pages of notes, ideas, and doodles. In my notes on my phone, I have about 12 and finally in my drafts about 6. Some of these ideas date back to 2019 and may never make it into a post because what was written isn’t relevant to who I am today, or they were fleeting feelings or repetitive meetings in which can’t be elaborated on so don’t go anywhere.

I read somewhere that in order to run a successful blog you need to have a schedule of posts and stick to that schedule to help build an audience, I’m not sure what is classed as a successful blog, in my eyes his blog is successful… It doesn’t earn me money (if that’s what success means nowadays) but I feel successful because I started this blog with only a small goal in mind, to have just one other parent read it and felt less alone in their journey, if that was just one person reading it and feeling a little more at ease, or one person reaching out for advice ( do try but I am in no means an expert) or just one person realising their feelings are perfectly normal. I feel that based on the people who I have met because of my blog that it is very successful because my goal wasn’t to reach millions of readers or monetise anything. It was to simply help one person in any way shape or form because this journey is a lonely one and I had never felt loneliness like it before. I wanted to educate people or even just one person on what it is like raising a child with special needs and how hard it can be but also how rewarding and I feel I have achieved that and hopefully will continue to do so.

All my love as always 😘 M x

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Posted in Emotions, school

Wet Hands

Do you ever have a nightmare that feels so real that you can’t shake that feeling of dread that it gives you afterwards. I’ve been feeling down recently, getting lost in my own negative thoughts about myself and I think that’s maybe why I had such a terrible dream. Please feel free to skip the next paragraph if you would rather not read about it in detail as it is about a sensitive subject but I think it gives some context to the way I feel.

Click here to read the dream Every night before bed, I check on William and then go to bed myself, I often jump out of bed to make sure I definitely shut the baby gate. He’s not confident with stairs and who knows what mischief he could get up to… I woke up and could hear William laughing to himself in his room, if it’s early and he sounds happy then I usually check him on the baby monitor and go back to sleep until my alarm wakes me up at a reasonable hour, however when I awoke it was much later than it should have been, my phone had died and that meant my alarm didn’t go off… even at this point the dream felt so real and I remembered reaching for the charger and my glasses. I grabbed my dirty (clean really but that well-worn that it looks gross) grey dressing gown and pulled open my bedroom door. Williams baby gate was wide open and he wasn’t in his room. I must have taken the stairs 3 at a time, the living room baby gate was open. I couldn’t hear him so thought he had maybe fallen asleep. He was nowhere to be seen, I checked behind the sofa and chair, in the dog bed and under the table but he wasn’t there. the kitchen door was slightly ajar and although the kitchen baby gate was pulled shut, it wasn’t locked in to place. I called out for him, ‘William?’ ‘Willster?’ ‘baby?’ nothing… I sensed this awful feeling; knowing the bathroom was the only place I hadn’t checked. I walked in and the bath was full (I always empty it in real life), his toys were in there and so was he, he was wearing the t-shirt he had been wearing that day, a blue Toy Story one with a sequin panel…. only he wasn’t playing with it, instead he was under the water, face down and still. I started screaming and pulled him out of the water, he was cold. Then I woke up with what I am almost sure was a scream. My hands felt wet, not just sweaty but truly wet as if they had in fact been in the water. There were tears rolling down my face. I had never jumped out of bed so quickly in my life, Williams baby gate was closed and I struggled to open it as I was shaking so badly. There he was, snoring, safely in his bed surrounded by his squishmallows. In that moment, I didn’t care what time it was or that he was sound asleep. I grabbed him and held him tight, tighter than ever before.

I’m a worrier and we all know that, I’m insecure in my parenting and always second guess myself but despite me not being a ‘natural parent’ as I like to call them, I have worked bloody hard at it over the last 5 years and that recently it dawned on me that in what is now 9 days, William will be going to school. I am confident in my choice of school and super happy that I fought so hard to get him there but I’m having a wobble about who I am right now or at least who I will be when he isn’t here with me. I will never not be is mom but I am wondering (panicking) about what I will do on the days he is at school and I aren’t working… I already feel a bit useless, so many battles and fights to get him what he needs and his education was the biggest one, now he has what he needs, what is my purpose?
It sounds silly but without something to fight, I feel a bit redundant and worry that when he goes to school that I won’t be able to shake that feeling and it will just grow and consume me. It stupid because I know there are loads more things in wHich I will have to fight against for him as he grows older but this was ‘the one’

I think the dream was maybe a manifestation of how I feel about being without William when someone else is looking after him on what should be my days. Dreams about losing a child are apparently about grief, the grief you feel when a child moves from one phase in their life another which makes sense in these circumstances. My life has revolved around William since the moment I started trying for a baby, he didn’t even exist but he was my everything and he always will be, but I fear that I will feel so lost without him here with me… how crazy is that? Desperate to get him into school, desperate for some ‘me’ time and now I have it, I’m scared of it. I think it’s a bit like imposter syndrome, scared that i spent so long being this warrior that now I just have to be me, thats its not good enough.

It’s a strange one to be so worried about isn’t it… What would you do when all your dreams come true? well me personally have a full on anxiety attack and question who I am as a person. Most people would have a glass of bubbly and celebrate but no, I can’t do that. I have to take things to the extreme as always.

I have a fair few things I want to do, like decorate the last few rooms of the house and start my Understanding Autism Level 3 and Challenging Behaviour level 2 qualifications but is that enough? who knows?

I’m not sure what the point of my post is but just needed to get it off my chest and hopefully out of my head.

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Posted in school

Self doubt

I had a moment last Wednesday night… and when I say a moment I mean that I didn’t sleep through worry (or maybe it’s this cold 🤧)

I worry alot so this may not seem unusual but this was different, this wasn’t necessarily my usual kind of worry. This was more self doubt. I had fought to get William the right education for what feels like eternity, we got the school we chose but I started to panic that I was wrong. What If it wasn’t the right decision. What If I had fought so hard for the wrong thing.

This hadn’t come our of no where, it was because Williams dad and I were taking to his new school the following day and I had become immersed in this overwhelming fear that I was wrong. I can only compare it to one other feeling I had had previously and that was when I was pregnant, I was terrified that when I went for my first scan, there would be nothing there. It was that same kind of feeling! I spoke to other people about the scan feeling and I’m most definitely not the only one and I imagine my doubt about the school wasn’t just something I experienced but last Wednesday night I felt alone in my fear.

The Thursday morning was just as bad, whether is was the cold, my bad shoulder, the lack of sleep or the worry… maybe even a combination of all three but I didn’t stay still, I couldn’t eat or focus on anything other than watching the clock waiting for the time I needed to meet William and his dad. Let’s just put it this way… the saying is right. A watched clock does go slower. ⏰️

I had spoken to Williams teachers via email a few times over the last few weeks but it’s not the same as meeting face to face. The moment we arrived at the school, they put me at ease. They didn’t just fall in to SEN teaching, they are there because they are passionate about it, because its not just a job to them but a vocation. They know every child from noises they makr in the other room, from tiny footsteps or a stray sock on the floor. Other parents had given me glowing reports about the teachers too which all made sense once i met them. William immediately connected with them and just left us to go and spend time with his new classmates. I knew as soon as he did that, that all the worry was for nothing. It was 100% the right decision for William and I was right to fight so hard for it.

The school itself is perfection. Everything is laid out perfectly, there is structure to everything and more visuals than you can possibly imagine. It’s so accommodating for children like William. I would love to say I held it together but we all know that would be a lie. I sobbed at how perfect it was for Williams education, the fact that he will travel through the school and be safe and in the right environment until he turns 19 just gave me this overwhelming sense of relief and in a big headed way a sense of accomplishment. I did that. I fought and I acheived it. All the worry was gone and I felt proud of myself.

27 days. That’s all he has left until he joins his classmates and I can not wait. I’m so excited for him to be in an environment that will be so beneficial to his development.

Uniform all ready 🥰

It’s been a long time coming but it will be here in the blink of an eye and as confident as I feel about it, I know that come that date in April I will be an absolute mess.

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Posted in Appointments

Precautionary

Poorly kids are the worst! 😭 Actually, I take that back… a 7 and a half hour wait in our local children’s A&E is the worst.

William hasn’t been feeling well since the end of February when he got his first (of many) cases for tonsillitis. Antibiotics didn’t clear it after the first dose finished so 5 days later we were back at doctors for a second dose. 3 days after the second dose ended he was still poorly so on Monday his dad and I took him back to the doctors (I feel like we’ve seen them that much recently that they’re going to invite us round for dinner at Christmas 😳) the doctor said he was fine but tonsils still a bit sore but no longer infected, the give him pain relief and he would be fine.

Fast forward to Friday and I have to take him to chemist as he has conjunctivitis because let’s be honest, it never rains, its pours 🌧 Drops received and starting to be administered, let bare in mind that my shoulder has gone again so I’m fine this one handed… its not easy even with two hands. Friday evening William was lethargic, hot to touch and clingy and he had barely eaten or drank all day…Not to mention the waterfall of slimy vomit that came out of his mouth and all over me. Honestly it’s like my kid aims for me when he’s sick 😫

Like any parent I was worried and ring my own mom for advice and then rang 111 who told me to take him into A&E as soon as possible as a precaution. Luckily I have some amazing friends who are used to being on standby when it comes to getting William places in a hurry.

We arrived at A&E at 8.15pm. It was busy, super busy. Kids were screaming, adults were moaning really loudly about how long they had been waiting etc. One parent told me it was going to be a 5 hours wait… she was wrong 😭

I want to talk about the waiting room, firstly the chairs are not built for 7 and a half hour waits with a gimpy arm. But that’s not my gripe… my issue is how unfriendly the waiting room is for a child like William. The lights are super bright and loud, some of them were flickering.the waiting room is busy with colour. Lots of different colours and sparkly fish hanging from the ceiling and the air con is loud. For an autistic child with sensory processing disorder that is a lot to take in for a lengthy period of time. It’s a difficult wait for most children but I’m sure other towns have sensory rooms for children like William. I’m almost sure the eye hospital next door has one or were at least trying to raise funds for one. It was also a nightmare that only one person could accompany each child, I understand that there is a limit on space but William needs to be restrained to be examined and unfortunately its not ideal with two arms let alone one.

Anyway that’s my moan over… the nurses who triaged us were brilliant. So patient with William and understanding. The doctor we saw was also amazing. Thankfully William just has a viral infection which will pass with calpol and time and even though the wait was long and painful I’m glad we went. I’m glad I made the 111 call and followed their advice because really you just never know with any child what is wrong but when they can’t tell you, it’s so much worse.

Hopefully he will be better soon and can enjoy his last 2 days of nursery next week. 🤞

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Posted in Emotions

The green eyed monster

I want to talk about the green-eyed monster, you know that devil that sits it the back of our minds, whispering in the back of our heads sending us all into a tailspin. I’ve touched on this subject a few times in relation to the unspoken competition between parents about how well their kids are developing, how soon they talk, walk or progress.

Today I want to talk about it in general not just in relation to parenthood but everyday life, I also want to open up about some of the things I do that may cause the green-eyed monster to pop up in other people. We all encounter moments in which we want what someone else has or we think someone wants what we have. Jealousy is natural in some degrees but to some it is all consuming, there are some that don’t understand that it is just a voice in their heads.

We all experience it, I for one really struggled with it when William was a baby; I unfollowed my friends on social media who had babies at the same time because I was jealous, and it hurt to see their babies developing at a quicker rate than William. It took a long time for me to be able to be happy for those parents instead of envious. Even now sometimes I comment and say how wonderful things are, how beautiful, how smart etc but my head still occasionally says, ‘why not me?’
A few years ago that thought would consume me, and I would scroll through social media pages and sob about how unfair life was, but I have grown since then and now I can be genuinely happy for my friends, but it doesn’t stop the pangs of jealousy. Seeing Little Miss grow so quickly and overtake William in the year I have known her has been hard, seeing her ask for her Mama and ask for ‘Big hugs’ from her Daddy is a wonderful thing to witness but there is a deep sadness there for me. I guess I just want those moments for myself. We always want more than we have, its natural… The moment William said ‘Mom’ for the first time was one of the best moments of my life but now I want more. He made a noise at bedtime a few weeks ago that sounded like ‘I love you’ but it wasn’t words, just sounds but now I’m desperately hoping for an ‘I love you mom’ but it may not happen, but I ache for it, dream of it, even long for it. William surprises me every single day and in the last two years had come on so far with his development so I’m not saying it will never happen, but we just don’t know what he is capable of until he actually does it.

I got jealous when other parents of children like William were given school places and William wasn’t… I was happy for them and cried happy tears but fuck me, it hurt at the same time. I think that’s natural though. Jealousy didn’t mean I wasn’t ridiculously happy for them because I truly was. I called my mom and told her every time other parents got good news, ‘mom this happened, hopefully it will be us next’ and then when it was our turn, I expect those that come after us will be the same. We want the best for our children, and as happy as we are when others get that first, we long for it to be our turn and feel that in the parents that are fighting for their kids’ educational needs right now. The system is not designed to help our children or to get them what is right for them, it is designed for what is right for the local authorities behind the system.

Money is a big factor of jealousy for a lot of people, and I am not ashamed to say that I don’t have a lot of it, I work part-time, I’m paid well, and I absolutely love my job but due to being part-time, it means I have to plan my money very well. I have to think about what’s coming in the upcoming month and budget appropriately. I can’t just decide to go out or to buy something without thinking about it a month or more in advance.
I love my house and everything in it but that didn’t just happen, I wasn’t always living on my own. As we all know, 2 years ago I was married and in a 2-income household which had a big part in building up my house into a home for William. Credit where credit is due, William’s dad left the house as it was so there was least disruption to our son, I didn’t give him a great deal of choice which may have been selfish of me, but I wouldn’t have the nice things I do if it wasn’t for him, and I am grateful for that. There are things that people may wonder how I can afford on my wages, but I know the price of everything and when I need something, I budget for it as best I can with help from my parents if needed. I have a large television, which is completely wasted on me only watching BabyTV and Coronation Street, but it is something I would never have bought myself. It was a Christmas gift from my parents a fair few years ago and something I have made sure to take very good care of.
William has more toys than most children, I bought in excess for his birthday (I had been stockpiling gifts since mid-2021) not because I have money to waste or an excess of it but because I don’t know what will work for him. Two gifts have already gone in the bin because they have been broken, one on his actual birthday 😫 and I anticipate that many more will go to landfill in the following weeks. Don’t get me wrong I usually try to donate where I can but if they’re broken it’s not possible. The toys that hold William’s interest are usually aimed at younger children, but it is what must be bought to match Williams developmental age, but they are not built to withstand the strength of his actual age. Some toys won’t be played with for months, if at all and it’s a risk I take when buying anything… so there tends to be a large choice for him so that he has at least one gift he loves. I threw a small party for his birthday and that needed budgeting for well in advance. It wasn’t me showing off, look at what I have or what I can do… it was me saying that William deserves to have something nice and why can’t we celebrate his birthday like other children do? I paid for a cake which was divine and a bargain but the money for that came from my January wages, I paid for a Morrisons buffet; the deposit came from February’s wages and the balance from this months. Every step of his mini party was carefully budgeted and planned out.

Christmas is another thing in which people may think I go overboard, but again I plan Christmas all year round… I am lucky enough to have a spare room, this is now what I class as my office but really it’s a dumping ground, there is a freezer which holds copious amount of chicken nuggets for William, a tumble dryer which physically wont fit in my kitchen so is next to my desk with a vent out the window, meaning my office is always cold but there is no point in turning the radiator on as it would be huge waste of money. I often work in a jacket, or a dressing grown as it can be pretty nippy in winter. There are two sets of industrial shelves which hold Christmas decorations (I can’t access my loft) and throughout the year I buy Christmas presents which live on them until December, or birthday gifts months in advance… a little bit at time so it has the least financial impact, before I had William, I used to buy everything out of December or Novembers pay and then struggle to afford bus fair to work until February 🤣 I was always the kind of person who lived like a king 👑 for the week after payday and homeless for the rest of the month.

I have been to people’s houses or seen pictures on Facebook and thought God I wish I could do that or have that or go there, we all do it, but we all handle it differently.

The reason I have been so honest about what I have and why is because I would never want anyone to look at me through green eyes when there is no reason to in my opinion. We each manage what little money we have differently, and all have different circumstances.

I’ve never been a massively jealous person when it comes to relationships, this is probably why I didn’t realise my ex was having an affair 🤣 as a person who has more male friends than female, I would never hold someone to different standard than I hold myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally get a little worked up over daft things. That there isn’t a voice in my head going ‘what if…?’ but I think that’s natural of all of us. Its part of being human but so is being able to trust people. Its hard to get out of a mindset in which you think everyone will hurt you but it’s imperative to do so in order to move on in a healthy way. People do shitty things and we cant stop that; we aren’t able to stop other peoples actions but we can learn from them without the result of those actions consuming us.

I used to have only child syndrome, despite having a sister haha 😳… What is mine is mine and that’s the end of it but as I have grown up, my opinion on things has changed massively. If I have something and someone needs it or wants to borrow it, then I see no issue in helping them out. (Partners not included 😂)

Social media is the devil, its so easy to post a picture and pretend to the world that your life is perfect, you can filter yourself and crop out the cracks in relationships, the mess in your house and the worries you feel when you look at your child. There is no shame in being honest and again I think I have said this before but fuck you Mrs Hinch for making me feel bad about my messy house, fuck you Kardashians for photo shopping your bodies to a ridiculous and near on impossible standards, as crazy as reality TV is, I give huge credit to the stars of Geordie Shore and reality shows of the like… not because of the surgery they keep having to meet the standards they feel they should but for portraying themselves in a realistic way. They get drunk and messy and wake up looking rough with last nights make up on… I don’t even watch the show, but I have seen clips and newspaper headlines trying to shame them, but we all do it! We all forget to take off make up before bed, we wake up looking like we’ve ran an obstacle course in our sleep. I hate the unrealistic nature of things online… Don’t get me wrong, I love a snap chat filter, but I also know its fake and I think that’s the struggle a lot of us fail to understand sometimes. We shouldn’t be jealous of something that’s not real, we shouldn’t aspire to be like these people who pretend to be what they are not!

My green-eyed monster rears it head less often than it used to but its still there and its part and parcel of being human, of being who I am and I’m not ashamed of that and nor should I be.💚

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