Posted in Emotions, school

Wet Hands

Do you ever have a nightmare that feels so real that you can’t shake that feeling of dread that it gives you afterwards. I’ve been feeling down recently, getting lost in my own negative thoughts about myself and I think that’s maybe why I had such a terrible dream. Please feel free to skip the next paragraph if you would rather not read about it in detail as it is about a sensitive subject but I think it gives some context to the way I feel.

Click here to read the dream Every night before bed, I check on William and then go to bed myself, I often jump out of bed to make sure I definitely shut the baby gate. He’s not confident with stairs and who knows what mischief he could get up to… I woke up and could hear William laughing to himself in his room, if it’s early and he sounds happy then I usually check him on the baby monitor and go back to sleep until my alarm wakes me up at a reasonable hour, however when I awoke it was much later than it should have been, my phone had died and that meant my alarm didn’t go off… even at this point the dream felt so real and I remembered reaching for the charger and my glasses. I grabbed my dirty (clean really but that well-worn that it looks gross) grey dressing gown and pulled open my bedroom door. Williams baby gate was wide open and he wasn’t in his room. I must have taken the stairs 3 at a time, the living room baby gate was open. I couldn’t hear him so thought he had maybe fallen asleep. He was nowhere to be seen, I checked behind the sofa and chair, in the dog bed and under the table but he wasn’t there. the kitchen door was slightly ajar and although the kitchen baby gate was pulled shut, it wasn’t locked in to place. I called out for him, ‘William?’ ‘Willster?’ ‘baby?’ nothing… I sensed this awful feeling; knowing the bathroom was the only place I hadn’t checked. I walked in and the bath was full (I always empty it in real life), his toys were in there and so was he, he was wearing the t-shirt he had been wearing that day, a blue Toy Story one with a sequin panel…. only he wasn’t playing with it, instead he was under the water, face down and still. I started screaming and pulled him out of the water, he was cold. Then I woke up with what I am almost sure was a scream. My hands felt wet, not just sweaty but truly wet as if they had in fact been in the water. There were tears rolling down my face. I had never jumped out of bed so quickly in my life, Williams baby gate was closed and I struggled to open it as I was shaking so badly. There he was, snoring, safely in his bed surrounded by his squishmallows. In that moment, I didn’t care what time it was or that he was sound asleep. I grabbed him and held him tight, tighter than ever before.

I’m a worrier and we all know that, I’m insecure in my parenting and always second guess myself but despite me not being a ‘natural parent’ as I like to call them, I have worked bloody hard at it over the last 5 years and that recently it dawned on me that in what is now 9 days, William will be going to school. I am confident in my choice of school and super happy that I fought so hard to get him there but I’m having a wobble about who I am right now or at least who I will be when he isn’t here with me. I will never not be is mom but I am wondering (panicking) about what I will do on the days he is at school and I aren’t working… I already feel a bit useless, so many battles and fights to get him what he needs and his education was the biggest one, now he has what he needs, what is my purpose?
It sounds silly but without something to fight, I feel a bit redundant and worry that when he goes to school that I won’t be able to shake that feeling and it will just grow and consume me. It stupid because I know there are loads more things in wHich I will have to fight against for him as he grows older but this was ‘the one’

I think the dream was maybe a manifestation of how I feel about being without William when someone else is looking after him on what should be my days. Dreams about losing a child are apparently about grief, the grief you feel when a child moves from one phase in their life another which makes sense in these circumstances. My life has revolved around William since the moment I started trying for a baby, he didn’t even exist but he was my everything and he always will be, but I fear that I will feel so lost without him here with me… how crazy is that? Desperate to get him into school, desperate for some ‘me’ time and now I have it, I’m scared of it. I think it’s a bit like imposter syndrome, scared that i spent so long being this warrior that now I just have to be me, thats its not good enough.

It’s a strange one to be so worried about isn’t it… What would you do when all your dreams come true? well me personally have a full on anxiety attack and question who I am as a person. Most people would have a glass of bubbly and celebrate but no, I can’t do that. I have to take things to the extreme as always.

I have a fair few things I want to do, like decorate the last few rooms of the house and start my Understanding Autism Level 3 and Challenging Behaviour level 2 qualifications but is that enough? who knows?

I’m not sure what the point of my post is but just needed to get it off my chest and hopefully out of my head.

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Posted in school

Self doubt

I had a moment last Wednesday night… and when I say a moment I mean that I didn’t sleep through worry (or maybe it’s this cold 🤧)

I worry alot so this may not seem unusual but this was different, this wasn’t necessarily my usual kind of worry. This was more self doubt. I had fought to get William the right education for what feels like eternity, we got the school we chose but I started to panic that I was wrong. What If it wasn’t the right decision. What If I had fought so hard for the wrong thing.

This hadn’t come our of no where, it was because Williams dad and I were taking to his new school the following day and I had become immersed in this overwhelming fear that I was wrong. I can only compare it to one other feeling I had had previously and that was when I was pregnant, I was terrified that when I went for my first scan, there would be nothing there. It was that same kind of feeling! I spoke to other people about the scan feeling and I’m most definitely not the only one and I imagine my doubt about the school wasn’t just something I experienced but last Wednesday night I felt alone in my fear.

The Thursday morning was just as bad, whether is was the cold, my bad shoulder, the lack of sleep or the worry… maybe even a combination of all three but I didn’t stay still, I couldn’t eat or focus on anything other than watching the clock waiting for the time I needed to meet William and his dad. Let’s just put it this way… the saying is right. A watched clock does go slower. ⏰️

I had spoken to Williams teachers via email a few times over the last few weeks but it’s not the same as meeting face to face. The moment we arrived at the school, they put me at ease. They didn’t just fall in to SEN teaching, they are there because they are passionate about it, because its not just a job to them but a vocation. They know every child from noises they makr in the other room, from tiny footsteps or a stray sock on the floor. Other parents had given me glowing reports about the teachers too which all made sense once i met them. William immediately connected with them and just left us to go and spend time with his new classmates. I knew as soon as he did that, that all the worry was for nothing. It was 100% the right decision for William and I was right to fight so hard for it.

The school itself is perfection. Everything is laid out perfectly, there is structure to everything and more visuals than you can possibly imagine. It’s so accommodating for children like William. I would love to say I held it together but we all know that would be a lie. I sobbed at how perfect it was for Williams education, the fact that he will travel through the school and be safe and in the right environment until he turns 19 just gave me this overwhelming sense of relief and in a big headed way a sense of accomplishment. I did that. I fought and I acheived it. All the worry was gone and I felt proud of myself.

27 days. That’s all he has left until he joins his classmates and I can not wait. I’m so excited for him to be in an environment that will be so beneficial to his development.

Uniform all ready 🥰

It’s been a long time coming but it will be here in the blink of an eye and as confident as I feel about it, I know that come that date in April I will be an absolute mess.

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Posted in Emotions

The green eyed monster

I want to talk about the green-eyed monster, you know that devil that sits it the back of our minds, whispering in the back of our heads sending us all into a tailspin. I’ve touched on this subject a few times in relation to the unspoken competition between parents about how well their kids are developing, how soon they talk, walk or progress.

Today I want to talk about it in general not just in relation to parenthood but everyday life, I also want to open up about some of the things I do that may cause the green-eyed monster to pop up in other people. We all encounter moments in which we want what someone else has or we think someone wants what we have. Jealousy is natural in some degrees but to some it is all consuming, there are some that don’t understand that it is just a voice in their heads.

We all experience it, I for one really struggled with it when William was a baby; I unfollowed my friends on social media who had babies at the same time because I was jealous, and it hurt to see their babies developing at a quicker rate than William. It took a long time for me to be able to be happy for those parents instead of envious. Even now sometimes I comment and say how wonderful things are, how beautiful, how smart etc but my head still occasionally says, ‘why not me?’
A few years ago that thought would consume me, and I would scroll through social media pages and sob about how unfair life was, but I have grown since then and now I can be genuinely happy for my friends, but it doesn’t stop the pangs of jealousy. Seeing Little Miss grow so quickly and overtake William in the year I have known her has been hard, seeing her ask for her Mama and ask for ‘Big hugs’ from her Daddy is a wonderful thing to witness but there is a deep sadness there for me. I guess I just want those moments for myself. We always want more than we have, its natural… The moment William said ‘Mom’ for the first time was one of the best moments of my life but now I want more. He made a noise at bedtime a few weeks ago that sounded like ‘I love you’ but it wasn’t words, just sounds but now I’m desperately hoping for an ‘I love you mom’ but it may not happen, but I ache for it, dream of it, even long for it. William surprises me every single day and in the last two years had come on so far with his development so I’m not saying it will never happen, but we just don’t know what he is capable of until he actually does it.

I got jealous when other parents of children like William were given school places and William wasn’t… I was happy for them and cried happy tears but fuck me, it hurt at the same time. I think that’s natural though. Jealousy didn’t mean I wasn’t ridiculously happy for them because I truly was. I called my mom and told her every time other parents got good news, ‘mom this happened, hopefully it will be us next’ and then when it was our turn, I expect those that come after us will be the same. We want the best for our children, and as happy as we are when others get that first, we long for it to be our turn and feel that in the parents that are fighting for their kids’ educational needs right now. The system is not designed to help our children or to get them what is right for them, it is designed for what is right for the local authorities behind the system.

Money is a big factor of jealousy for a lot of people, and I am not ashamed to say that I don’t have a lot of it, I work part-time, I’m paid well, and I absolutely love my job but due to being part-time, it means I have to plan my money very well. I have to think about what’s coming in the upcoming month and budget appropriately. I can’t just decide to go out or to buy something without thinking about it a month or more in advance.
I love my house and everything in it but that didn’t just happen, I wasn’t always living on my own. As we all know, 2 years ago I was married and in a 2-income household which had a big part in building up my house into a home for William. Credit where credit is due, William’s dad left the house as it was so there was least disruption to our son, I didn’t give him a great deal of choice which may have been selfish of me, but I wouldn’t have the nice things I do if it wasn’t for him, and I am grateful for that. There are things that people may wonder how I can afford on my wages, but I know the price of everything and when I need something, I budget for it as best I can with help from my parents if needed. I have a large television, which is completely wasted on me only watching BabyTV and Coronation Street, but it is something I would never have bought myself. It was a Christmas gift from my parents a fair few years ago and something I have made sure to take very good care of.
William has more toys than most children, I bought in excess for his birthday (I had been stockpiling gifts since mid-2021) not because I have money to waste or an excess of it but because I don’t know what will work for him. Two gifts have already gone in the bin because they have been broken, one on his actual birthday 😫 and I anticipate that many more will go to landfill in the following weeks. Don’t get me wrong I usually try to donate where I can but if they’re broken it’s not possible. The toys that hold William’s interest are usually aimed at younger children, but it is what must be bought to match Williams developmental age, but they are not built to withstand the strength of his actual age. Some toys won’t be played with for months, if at all and it’s a risk I take when buying anything… so there tends to be a large choice for him so that he has at least one gift he loves. I threw a small party for his birthday and that needed budgeting for well in advance. It wasn’t me showing off, look at what I have or what I can do… it was me saying that William deserves to have something nice and why can’t we celebrate his birthday like other children do? I paid for a cake which was divine and a bargain but the money for that came from my January wages, I paid for a Morrisons buffet; the deposit came from February’s wages and the balance from this months. Every step of his mini party was carefully budgeted and planned out.

Christmas is another thing in which people may think I go overboard, but again I plan Christmas all year round… I am lucky enough to have a spare room, this is now what I class as my office but really it’s a dumping ground, there is a freezer which holds copious amount of chicken nuggets for William, a tumble dryer which physically wont fit in my kitchen so is next to my desk with a vent out the window, meaning my office is always cold but there is no point in turning the radiator on as it would be huge waste of money. I often work in a jacket, or a dressing grown as it can be pretty nippy in winter. There are two sets of industrial shelves which hold Christmas decorations (I can’t access my loft) and throughout the year I buy Christmas presents which live on them until December, or birthday gifts months in advance… a little bit at time so it has the least financial impact, before I had William, I used to buy everything out of December or Novembers pay and then struggle to afford bus fair to work until February 🤣 I was always the kind of person who lived like a king 👑 for the week after payday and homeless for the rest of the month.

I have been to people’s houses or seen pictures on Facebook and thought God I wish I could do that or have that or go there, we all do it, but we all handle it differently.

The reason I have been so honest about what I have and why is because I would never want anyone to look at me through green eyes when there is no reason to in my opinion. We each manage what little money we have differently, and all have different circumstances.

I’ve never been a massively jealous person when it comes to relationships, this is probably why I didn’t realise my ex was having an affair 🤣 as a person who has more male friends than female, I would never hold someone to different standard than I hold myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally get a little worked up over daft things. That there isn’t a voice in my head going ‘what if…?’ but I think that’s natural of all of us. Its part of being human but so is being able to trust people. Its hard to get out of a mindset in which you think everyone will hurt you but it’s imperative to do so in order to move on in a healthy way. People do shitty things and we cant stop that; we aren’t able to stop other peoples actions but we can learn from them without the result of those actions consuming us.

I used to have only child syndrome, despite having a sister haha 😳… What is mine is mine and that’s the end of it but as I have grown up, my opinion on things has changed massively. If I have something and someone needs it or wants to borrow it, then I see no issue in helping them out. (Partners not included 😂)

Social media is the devil, its so easy to post a picture and pretend to the world that your life is perfect, you can filter yourself and crop out the cracks in relationships, the mess in your house and the worries you feel when you look at your child. There is no shame in being honest and again I think I have said this before but fuck you Mrs Hinch for making me feel bad about my messy house, fuck you Kardashians for photo shopping your bodies to a ridiculous and near on impossible standards, as crazy as reality TV is, I give huge credit to the stars of Geordie Shore and reality shows of the like… not because of the surgery they keep having to meet the standards they feel they should but for portraying themselves in a realistic way. They get drunk and messy and wake up looking rough with last nights make up on… I don’t even watch the show, but I have seen clips and newspaper headlines trying to shame them, but we all do it! We all forget to take off make up before bed, we wake up looking like we’ve ran an obstacle course in our sleep. I hate the unrealistic nature of things online… Don’t get me wrong, I love a snap chat filter, but I also know its fake and I think that’s the struggle a lot of us fail to understand sometimes. We shouldn’t be jealous of something that’s not real, we shouldn’t aspire to be like these people who pretend to be what they are not!

My green-eyed monster rears it head less often than it used to but its still there and its part and parcel of being human, of being who I am and I’m not ashamed of that and nor should I be.💚

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Posted in Brief updates, Emotions

Calling all lazy parents

I would like to take a moment to state that I do not always want to play with my child. I sometimes can not go through the same set of flashcards for the 500th time I’m a day.

We all have moments in which we check our watch and realise bed time is a long way off. This doesn’t make us bad parents, it makes us tired parents. It makes us human.

Becoming a mom or dad doesn’t make us super human. It doesn’t change the fact that we crave time that’s ours and ours alone. That soak in the bath which involves candles, a book and enough time to shave both legs 🦵 time which doesn’t involve accidentally sitting on a rubber duck.

We want to watch TV or a movie that doesn’t involve animation or singing. I would like to have a power ballad stuck in my head instead of nursery rhymes.

There is no shame in needing a little time out. We can not always be on it 100% of the time and its important to try and take that time when we can, so we don’t burn out.

I remember thinking that my kid would have limited screen time… that didn’t happen. It is I who ended up with limited screen time 🤣 I can’t remember when I last watched Corrie when it actually aired instead of days later. I gave up completely on the other soaps as there just aren’t enough free hours in a day.

I work part time and absolutely adore my job. It gives me something to focus on that isn’t being Williams mom and I need that but I admire those full time workers and full time parents. I choose to work and if someone chooses not to then that is their business. There is a lit of stigma around parents that work and parents that don’t. There seems to be no happy medium. There is a archaic kind of judgement that working parents should be home raising and looking after their kids but then a judgement against those that choose to stay at home about how they should be working. I feel like non of us can win!

So this post is dedicated to the parents who aren’t ashamed to say that some days they only give 99%. The ones who don’t want to listen to the same song for the millionth time. Who pretend peppa pig goes to bed at 5pm. The ones who pretend toys are broken but have secretly take the batteries out 🔋 enjoy that 1% of time you need for yourself because you deserve it. You deserve to shave both legs, to wash all the conditioner out of your hair and to not have to hide in the kitchen when you want to eat a whole chocolate bar!

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Posted in Reviews

Disney’s Encanto review

As I am writing this, I am not ashamed to admit that I am now on my second watch, you know… just in case I missed something the first time or so I can sing along to some of the songs.

🎶🎤 We don’t talk about Bruno, no, no, no! 🎤🎶 I have a feeling that this will be on my 2022 recap on Spotify based on how many times I’ve played it, even before seeing the film.

I had seen a few articles online about the parallels between Encanto’s Mirabel and living with autism in a neurotypical family and usually I don’t need an excuse to watch a kids film but though this would be the perfect opportunity to get it done and see if I pick up on some of the same themes or to see if it resonates with me but, before I start I want to state that I am super excited to see that Disney are continuing to become more diverse. Plus, they have finally introduced a main character who wears glasses so I’m all in for this movie. A friend of mine explained to me why they decided to have a lead wearing glasses and it’s really lovely, a 9-year-old girl wrote to Disney and basically called them out for having no characters that look like her. I’ve managed to find a tweet about it from the director/writer, Jared Bush. https://twitter.com/thejaredbush/status/1488875738463834116 it also includes a video from the girl. Disney really are stepping away from their poor history with acceptance of any kind… If you haven’t seen the Sparkshort short films on Disney+, then you must check them out, specifically Float and Loop.

Float to me, perfectly depicts the struggle of acceptance when you have a neurodiverse child and Loop helps understand what that child may go through… I highly recommend you give them both a go, especially since they’re only about 10 minutes long, I’ve wasted more time watching adverts or thirst traps on TikTok🤣

As soon as we, the audience find out that Mirabel has no gift, the other characters seem to refer to it a lot… some in subtle ways and some not so subtle. There is a definite similarity there between everyone pointing out she is different, and the way people behave about William being autistic. The label of being autistic seems to come before people know William’s name… ‘the autistic boy’ ‘my friend’s kid is autistic’ The label seems to come before he does. Its almost as if William can’t be William without someone mentioning his autism, just like Mirabel can’t be part of the family Madrigal without someone pointing out that she isn’t like them.

The scene under the bed with Antonio was beautifully done, portraying the innocence of a child trying to understand his cousins’ difficulties, he wishes she were like the rest of them but is also scared that he is like her.

The flashback scene 😥I’m broken😭When she went to the door and didn’t het her power, The moment she realised she wasn’t like the rest of them, that she wasn’t ‘normal’, is this what neurodiverse children feel like? Do they know they are different? Does it hurt them? Do we in turn hurt them in the way we treat them?

After Antonio gets his power, Abuela talks about how proud they are of him, and they take a family photo… only Mirabel isn’t in it, and no one realises. She is as much a part of their family as any of them, but they just don’t see it and it hurts. Its hurts from my own experience from times William is left out of things because he isn’t like everyone else. Mirabel sings ‘I’m not fine’ and she’s right. None of it is fine. She and children like William should feel happy, not just fine in places or with people they belong with.

Luisa, she is amazing! I absolutely adore her, another superb first for Disney in introducing such a physically strong female character, their marketing team however felt that she wouldn’t prove popular and chose not to produce many of her figures and merchandise… this was a mistake as her figures sold out fully leading for a big rush to produce more. Rookie mistake Disney, but you’re still making baby steps. Have faith in our kids loving good characters not just ones that society tell us are beautiful 🙄
She sings about the pressure she is under to be strong in every way as she is the big sister and has responsibilities, this resonates as a parent or sibling to a neurodiverse child. We must be strong in order to advocate for our kids, be strong for them and fight but just like Luisa sings; we hurt inside, we feel the pain and anxiety. We are nit made of steel despite our exterior or the persona we use to deal with professionals. Just like the house, the cracks start to show and then suddenly, we aren’t strong anymore which is exactly what happens with Luisa. Another sibling comparison is Isabela however it is one of resentment for the impact Mirabel has had on her would be ‘perfect’ life.

My heart broke when Abuela was yelling at Mirabel, telling her everything was her fault especially when she was the one who puts so much pressure on her family. To blame a 15-year-old child, who already knows she is different is ridiculous and downright mean! Despite this Mirabel still risks her own safety to try and save their powers, powers that she doesn’t have. She loves them despite the way they treat her, for her its unconditional. The flashback scene in which Abuela admits the mistakes she has made and stops blaming Mirabel is nice and a good way to end a kid’s film, but in real life, it doesn’t change the way they have treated her since they found out she was different. The similarity of this and the way the older generation behave around neurodiversity is strong, the lack of understanding… the ‘isn’t it a shame’ comments I have encountered.

The ending has a typical feel-good Disney feeling which I personally haven’t bought into since I was very young, when I realised that the original fairytales were much darker than the sunny versions we were shown.

The morale of the film is that all of them are special, with or without powers and that was the true miracle all along, Mirabel didn’t get a gift because life doesn’t work that way, everyone isn’t the same but that doesn’t mean that those who are different are inferior in any way. I guess it’s the morale of life, isn’t it? We are all different in our own ways and it shouldn’t matter to anyone else but sadly sometime it does 😔

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Posted in autism and covid19, Emotions

There is an App for that…

Is it just me or is being a mom lonely? Is being a mom to a child with special needs even more lonely? Is being a single mom lonely? Or are we all just lonely and on our own different journeys?

At the time I wrote this post (or the scribbles that eventually become a post) in my trusty little blue notebook, I think it may have been the beginning of last year and then I’ve wrote some recently because some of it as usual makes no sense but at one point, I wrote a little list about things that occupy my mind when I can’t sleep which aren’t really valid now.

  • When did someone last hug me?
  • When did William last see so and so? Will he remember them?
  • When can I go somewhere without a lateral flow and PPE?
  • Will I ever need to get fully dressed for work again? (Jokes… I’m on camera 🎥)

I have the answers to all these now but obviously when I wrote them, the tear splashes on the page indicate how upset I was. Especially since number one was about hugs 🤣 and I am notoriously not a hugger. The 2m rule was a huge bonus for me!

 I’m not sure if its Covid and its many strands and the scare mongering that comes with it, but I seem to have become a little very reclusive despite restrictions being lifted. I find reasons not to do things or subconsciously put obstacles in the way.

Covid genuinely frightens me, I was first in line for the vaccines and the subsequent booster. ‘Yes please, inject me with that 5g tracker’ 🤣 each to their own and no judgement for those that have chosen not to but personally I believe that if you haven’t lost someone in the pandemic then you maybe don’t understand its devastating effects and that you are lucky, if in fact anyone can be lucky in such uncertain times. I question if this uncertainty will ever end, if covid will ever fully go away or we can just live with it, but my internal pessimist doesn’t think it will. This is our new normal and not to misquote Shane Meadows but This is England 22! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Every keeps talking about not been able to hide away forever and not been able to live with restrictions but I seem to be quite content being locked away in my home but I don’t think that’s a good thing, it’s a bit like I have Stockholm syndrome but to myself 🤪 Don’t get me wrong, I leave the house and see people and do social things but not like I used to, maybe its because I work from home and socialisation takes much more effort now, whereas before it was as simple as walking across the road from work and having a cheeky pint and a carvery. Maybe its because I’m a single co-parent now so I can’t just do things at the drop of a hat, it must fit in with work and William’s visitation with his dad and can require military preparation whether it is with or without William.

Everything can so easily be done over the phone or a computer now, what’s happening in the world? You can find out on your phone. What boxset should I binge watch now? Ask Google or check the Netflix rankings. Missing friends or family? Video calls via Facebook or WhatsApp. Need to work from home? There’s Microsoft Teams or Zoom for that. Doctors’ appointments? There’s an app for that (which is much quicker at giving appointments than my actual doctor) Meetings for William? All done remotely. Except for seeing Big Nanna, I would walk through a plague of Zombies for that! 🧟‍♀️

I’m not saying I never leave the house as I obviously do but its so easy not to. Everything is online now, I even met my boyfriend L on Tinder, highly recommended. Him (most the time 🤣) not the actual app, the app is like a meat market but more for fish, catfish that is… it passed some time during lockdown before restrictions were lifted and it was entertaining even though I lost all faith in humanity, some people seemed normal and then BAM! Flat earthers, criminal records, married men, women pretending to be men, couples looking for a third??? And that’s only a small fraction of the people I spoke to. What the actual fuck! I was on the verge of giving in when L messaged me. He seemed so normal, but my replies were terrible as I was expecting him to be a mental case or to try and convert me to scientology or something, how we formed a relationship, I will never know 🤷‍♀️ I think I would give the app about a 2.5 out of 10 but that’s purely down to L💕 don’t even get me started on POF or the mommy friends site peanut 🙄

I guess I bring on some of the loneliness myself, whether its social anxiety, pandemic panic or just laziness. Let’s face it I have explained previously about some of my anxieties around playdates and the like. I love my own company and I very rarely argue with myself 🤣

I was never really a visitor; I prefer people to come to me but then also freak out about people coming in my house and finding things to judge me on.

This is probably the worst analogy ever, but Covid is a little like those adverts you used to see on late night Channel 4 before Eurotrash aired… the ones about sexually transmitted disease.
You’ve slept with Anna, she has slept with John, Jamie, Jack and Steve, therefore you have slept with them too. You kind of have to think that like when it comes to contact with people who’ve had Covid… If I’m seeing so and so for a coffee then I must think about who that person has seen before me and where they have been and so on, its never ending and exhausting 🥱 having your mind working that hard when it already feels maxed out navigating day to day life is simply not possible.

I’m not really sure what the point to this little rant was, I’m lonely, I’m not lonely, there’s an app for everything and Covid is the new STI 🤷🏼‍♀️

Much love 😘 M. x

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Posted in Brief updates

New Year, same hopes and dreams

Its now 2022, how crazy is that?
It doesn’t feel like over 22 years ago when we were all relieved the millennium bug didn’t exist, you know that massive system issue that would affect computers and, in some cases, all electronic devices ⚡ How ridiculous is it that we thought that was possible 🤣

This is going to a big year for William, by the Easter term he should have a place in a specialised school. I’m under no illusion that’s its going to be easy… for example I contacted our case worker Richard on the 1st of December for some form of clarification on dates and have yet to receive a reply. When I email the main address, it usually takes two or three emails for anyone to bother replying and its usually a ‘no update’ generic response and that they will contact me, but I like to chase each month as its better to be an irritation and remembered than be forgotten. Those who speak the loudest are usually remembered. 📣

We were lucky enough to qualify for legal aid and have a solicitor on standby due to this after the failings in the local authority already. This isn’t because I want to sue although they did ask if I wanted to push for compensation… but why take money from an already underfunded department, in my opinion that would just be adding to the problem. They are on standby in case the promise of a specialised school by the term after his birthday is broken. They made this promise verbally and on his EHCP which is a legally binding document.

This is probably the biggest battle war we will face because once he has a place then he is in the right form of education until he reaches young adulthood… then we fight the next war.
Everything else, although it’s a battle isn’t as huge as schooling. (Although wheelchair services are currently the thorn in my side right now, but I’ll sort that out as and when)

This is going to be our year; I can feel it. It may not be easy, but it will definitely be the year in which things start falling into place for us and this Momma Bear will be able to have a rest from fighting. 🐻

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Posted in Events & Holidays

Its our birthday! 🎈

And just like that, we turn 2 (well yesterday to be precise) 😊

It’s been a crazy 2 years, we’ve been read in 59 countries, we have 3 social media pages (links below), our story has been featured in online magazines, newspapers and other peoples blogs, there have been many ups and downs but sharing it with you all has made things so much easier and I am grateful to each and every one of our readers.

WORLD DOMINATION MAP

Here are the top 10 countries in which we are read in

  • United Kingdom 🇬🇧
  • USA 🇺🇸
  • Australia 🇦🇺
  • China 🇨🇳
  • Malta 🇲🇹
  • Ireland 🇮🇪
  • Spain 🇪🇸
  • Germany 🇩🇪
  • Canada 🇨🇦
  • Cambodia 🇰🇭

I think the best way to end our little celebratory post is to share our most popular posts in the last 2 years.

all our love 😘 M.x

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Posted in Brief updates

Divorce

🎶 And now, the end is near. And so, I face the final curtain…

Divorce is something I never thought would happen to me, it sounds silly, doesn’t it? But when I got married, like most people, I thought it would be forever despite any issues that may have arisen. I accept that It’s a little bit of an old-fashioned notion, but I came from a very happy home with two parents, and I always envisioned I would have the same kind of home for my future children.

I’ve tried to remain private about the split between William’s dad and I, until now… you won’t be getting the gory details so ft that’s what you think this post is about, then I am sorry (but not sorry) to disappoint you as only my mom and future therapist are privy to that bit of information.

William’s dad and I met as we had just reached adulthood, we met at a party just like most people did back then because Facebook had only just become a thing and tinder didn’t exist. Fast forward six years and we were married, three more and we had William, another three and we were separated, a now a year on, here we are divorced. I’m a little sad as I hold the papers in my hand, not because we are not together but because it’s not something I never thought I would do, and I feel it has ruined my thoughts on marriage because let’s face it, we don’t meet someone and think ‘gosh, you would make a great first husband’ I mean if that was going to be my intention, I would have at least married an old rich guy first, here’s looking at you Anna Nicole. 🤣

I was very grateful that at the end of our relationship, William didn’t have full understanding of what was going on, he knew things were changing and it destroyed his routine, but he wasn’t as aware as most kids his age would have been and although I am grateful, I do wonder if that was good for William or not. I spent months trying to keep William in some form of a routine and if it wasn’t for that I don’t think I would have gotten through it, it gave me a purpose, a focus. I mean it failed as it was seven months of hell, constant meltdowns, and shutdowns… he didn’t want me, he wanted his dad and that hurt, William cried, and I cried. Not for the same reasons but the same hurt non-the-less.

As time has gone on, things are much easier and we co-parent really well but as I have said before it hasn’t always been easy and we had to work on it, some days it’s not easy at all, as we are both very different people to the ones we had been when we met, when we got married and even when we separated. We just don’t really know each other anymore and that’s okay.
William has two parents who love and adore him, who would walk over glass to make sure he didn’t have to, and I guess I can’t really ask for any more than that… Do I regret marrying William’s dad? Not for a moment because I wouldn’t have William, or Rusty 🐾 I have never for a moment regretted having William. Do I regret placing so much trust in some one? Maybe. Has it made me more guarded? Yes, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

William’s dad is perfectly happy with his girlfriend, and they have William on set nights at their house, I can only hope that she takes on William as if he were her own, that she will love and care for him when he is with his dad. I guess that’s all we can hope for, isn’t it? That when or if our children’s other parent moves on, that their partner is willing to take on board our child. I wanted to continue hating her but how can I? my son comes back from their house, clean, healthy, and happy, and she has a part in that. So, I am grateful to her. The situation in which she came about doesn’t affect her ability to be a good substitute maternal figure when I’m not there or maybe even one day his stepmom. None of this makes me any less William’s mom, it just means there are more people in this world who love him and that can never really be a bad thing.

I’m not sure how William’s dad feels about my partner spending so much time with his son, but I do hope that he could talk to me about it, if there was an issue because I know it’s not easy to think of someone else stepping into that role when you’re not there, but you have to think of it from a point of positivity and not a jealousy or anger. I am grateful that I have found someone to share my life with, when I didn’t think I would trust anyone enough again, let alone so soon. I am grateful that my someone perfectly complements my personality, that we can just have fun with each other because I’m not going to lie, I had forgotten what fun was. He’s a brilliant dad to Little Miss and its wonderful to witness and to be allowed to be a part of. They have embraced William and I just as much as we have embraced them, and I hope that continues for a very long time.

I will file these papers tonight with all my paperwork and it will be done… and I’m glad, albeit a bit sad but it is time to draw a line under it. It’s nice in a way to know I am no longer someone’s wife, to be able to go to bed tonight, in the arms of my boyfriend and to simply be his girlfriend is something I have been looking forward to since we started dating.

So tonight, I am saying goodbye to Mrs Buckley… but you know what they say ‘a wife is only a wife until the end of the marriage, but an ex-wife is for life’ 🤣

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