Posted in Events & Holidays

Family Holiday

As many of you will be aware we have recently been on a big family holiday for the first time in 2 years and as you can imagine things with William have changed greatly since our last vacation.
I love getting together with our family but as anyone will be aware it can be stressful; throw an autistic child in the mix and it can be nuclear which meant my stress levels peaked before we had even left the house.
‘What can he cope without?’
‘What if he smears whilst we are there?’
‘What if he cant handle it being around so many people?’

I know it sounds a little crazy as my mum and dad were there and he loves them both so much and my dad will babysit when I was office based, my sister and niece were there and he loves his Auntie Nellen (or H to everyone else, the letter H doesn’t exist in Kingston upon Ull. βš™Yes the cog used to be our logo πŸ™„) Big nanna came for the first time and we all know what an amazing bond they have and finally his Uncle Jim and lets face it unless he has to change a nappy he is amazing with him (if we ignore the fact he’s banged Williams head more times than Rick Allen has banged his drumsπŸ₯)

Here are some of my favourite pictures from the week πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

Picture 1 – We were delighted to be able to borrow a freeloader carrier which personally is amazing for parents of children with special needs to be able to safely carry them to areas you would not be able to get to with a stroller or wheelchair. Unlike a baby carrier it has a seat on an reinforced hinge which means that when your child sits on it the straps are not brutally cutting into your flesh due to the weight of your lump child. Its a big expense as they are imported from America but I would honestly say they are definitely worth it and we will eventually be looking at getting one of our own πŸ’ΈπŸ’ΈπŸ’Έ
Click here to check them out

Picture 2 – We’ve discussed on previous posts about Williams refusal to walk and lack of awareness when it comes to roads. Here is a prime example. We had walked for less than 2 minutes and William collapsed in the road. He makes himself go floppy so he is impossible to grab onto and will just lay wherever he has fallen an believe me he is more slippery than a bar of soap and his limbs just slide through your hands. 🧼

Picture 3 – William love bubbles but hates bath time πŸ› so after a traumatic bath which was much needed as he decided to sit in the stream we left all the bubbles in the tub for him to lay and play in. Dave took so many photos and Big Nanna sat in a chair watching him have the time of his life and I’m so glad she got to see that as she had witnessed a meltdown at the beginning of the week which I will talk about later.

Picture 4 – Dave loves the walks up in the dales and has climbed the peaks and everything… Me; no so much. My version of exercise is walking to fridge or picking up my phone to order on just eat. πŸ• We decided to spend one of our days in our little 3 person bubble and went to explore the village. Whilst sat with his dad on the bank of a deep stream William lost a one of his Wellies over the edge and Dave had to go in and fetch it… as you can see no shits were given by William at all and he is actually calmly sat on grass which is a big improvement.

Picture 5 – Dave referred to this table as a 70’s party table due to its mirrored surface. William had his first little holiday romance… with himself. It’s like he discovered his reflection for the first time and spent a good amount of his time kissing his reflection 😘 William doesn’t quite understand what a kiss is and his version is coming at your mouth with his mouth open and there is always a risk you will get bitten but its worth it, I would take a million bites for one kiss.

Picture 6 – He loved the streams that ran though the village and we went in for splashes at every opportunity. We learnt a few things on these mini adventures. My wellies had holes in (they were about 10 years old), William loves the running water and decided to wade as far as we would let him, to the point the water was over his wellies so I wasn’t the only one with wet feet and finally that he will literally just sit anywhere including in said stream πŸ˜‚ It made the short walk back to cottage much longer, wetter and colder.

William had one meltdown whilst we were away and unfortunately it was the worst we have experienced so far. He went red and started screaming and repeatedly hitting himself in the face with both his hands clenched together 😒 It hurts me to see him so distressed however I now know not to try and restrain him as it makes it much worse.
Big nanna has never experienced a full meltdown and it really frightened her. I could see it in her eyes and asking me to stop him hitting himself and asking me what was wrong and to be honest I couldn’t work it out. He has been to toilet, he had eaten well and nothing he hadn’t eaten before, he had his favourite toys and Hey Duggee was on the TV. I don’t know if it was the new environment or he just wasn’t feeling himself but it really frightened her which upset me alot.

I think being told about the way someone reacts due to their additional needs is very different from seeing it first hand.
Autism in a spectrum which is so vast and complicated it is difficult for people to understand, even those who are close to someone with ASD don’t fully understand the possibilities or the limitiations and it can make explaining them exhausting πŸ₯±

Some things never change…

The journey home was uneventful as you can see from the above picture the journey home was uneventful, either that or they just didn’t think much to mine and H’s music choices 🎢

William missed his friends back home and Rusty which was evident because as soon as he saw each of them he was so happy. He practically ran straight to our next door neighbours for cuddles, my pets and child are all starting to think they live there πŸ˜‚ but in all seriousness I actually love it. He has an amazing bond with the full family and I trust the girls to take him to park and be safe with him and it takes alot for me let anyone do that. He was sat on the roundabout in park and quietly ate his packed lunch as it went round when some older kids (secondary school) asked one of the girls to make him move and she told them no, he has problems and he’s happy where he is and they just left. She has more balls than I think I would have done.

One of our other neighbours got back from their holidays today and as you can see William missed them that much he sat in their car and made himself comfortable.
GTA eat your heart out πŸš—

As always much love, The Buckleys 😘

Posted in autism and covid19, Autism In The News

EHCP Announcement

Gavin Williamson our current Secretary of State for Education has made a ‘temporary’ amendment in regards to EHCPs. In my basic understanding an EHCP is a document which outlines the needs a child has in regards to their education and the local authority must adhere to it.

This amendment in laments terms basically means that EHCPs are now pretty much null and void. It’s completely understandable that the government would do something like this to protect themselves in such unprecedented times.

Most parents will understand this amendment as it’s not reasonably possible for an EHCP to be followed to the letter when schools are closed to the majority and social distancing needs to be enforced.

As you can imagine, me being the neurotic mess I am immediately panicked… William doesn’t have his in place yet, what if we can’t get one? He can’t get into a school that will meet his needs. He will fall further and further behind… the whirlwind in my mind went on and on πŸŒͺ

I reached out to Lisa who is the SENCO for early years to find out if and how this would affect us. Luckily new applications are still being accepted which has put my mind at ease (a little) as without one we can not apply to go to our school of choice which we are almost agreed upon. 🀣

Our PCP meeting is still due to take place over email or Skype or in some other technological way πŸ‘©β€πŸ’» which is brilliant as we can get the ball rolling despite the current situation.

My main worry is the ‘temporary’ part of this announcement. When it’s safe to leave the house and get back to what will be put new normal, will EHCPs be enforceable again? Or will there be another reason to suspend them.

I worry about what’s going to happen in the future for the children with special needs. The world is only just starting to understand ASD and I worry this will set us as parents of these children back in our fight to get out children the best possible care.

That smile though…
Makes our recent sleepless nights worth every second!

William himself has had some amazing days recently. He’s spent a lot of time in the garden and engaging with our neighbours especially when food is involved 🍲 honestly he’s like a little zombie trying to get brains πŸ§Ÿβ€β™‚οΈ

After the good days there is always a few bad. He’s not eating like he normally does. He doesn’t want to spend time with me… which is understandable but he doesn’t even want to spend time with Rusty πŸ• which is almost unheard of.

The nights he wont sleep and cant be settled are upon us. I feel so useless on these nights and could quite often sit and cry with him… pathetic I know.

Then the (disgusting) icing on the cake… this morning he was on top form and spread poo all over his room and himself. He was literally as happy as a pig in shit. πŸ– Then comes the trauma of having to hose him down and clean poo off his face and every other surface. It was like that scene in psycho. πŸ”ͺ🚿

The a$$hole club
Bonding on the few days they have something in common

Posted in Emotions

Our one and only?


















Is it fair?

I always thought I wanted two children but once we actually started trying to get pregnant I soon changed my mind. I have a sister (H) and although we argued; like sisters do but I couldn’t have imagined my childhood without her or even my life now.
Dave however always wanted just one. He too has a sibling but not with a bond like H and I have and maybe that is why he only ever wanted one.

We agreed we would discuss it again when William turned one… Still only wanted one child.
We will discuss it again when he goes to school and again when we turn 34, after all I wouldn’t want to fall into that geriatric mom category of 35!!! since when was 35 classed as geriatric?!

I always said that I couldn’t put myself through it again but I get this little pang when I see my friends with their ‘normal’ or neurotypical children. Surely I deserve that? Why can’t I have it?
All those moments I feel like I’ve been deprived of… A baby who will call me Mummy and will be receptive to my cuddles. A baby who can be comforted by me. A baby who would love me back.

Facebook is the root of all evil… & envy, its banner should be green not blue! I see so many beautiful babies and children on my news feed. Children much younger than William easily communicating with their parents and making it look so easy.
Children singing, counting and developing at the correct rates and it breaks my heart πŸ’” I am so happy for all of my friends who are parents and why shouldn’t they sing it from the rooftops when their child learns something new. It just gets to a point that I just can’t see it anymore. I have un-followed so many people because I am just brimming with jealousy and it hurts me to admit that because I would never wish any parent to go through what we are but I just want what they have. Why can’t I have that?

But then I look at William who has started eating bread, not toasted bread or chocolate bread but normal bread and I want to celebrate it. He ate a sandwich!!! not one but several! My little man who is repulsed by the touch of bread actually ate a sandwich himself 🀭 But then he also decided he didn’t want to wear any clothes at all and chose to ignore me for what feels like the 1095th day in row.


Before i continue i just want to say it again…. My baby ate a sandwich, not once but on three separate occasions last week!!! He touched bread and it didn’t end in him throwing it on the floor and recoiling in disgust. It was a beautiful sight as you can see.

This week I called my mom very teary because I had ‘that moment’ a moment most parents have every day. me and William had spent the day I the garden and needed a bath but bath times are traumatic at best so I decided to turn the shower head on and sit underneath it with him. He laid there so calm as the water rained down on us and looked me in the eyes the entire time. That moment is something I had been waiting for for 3 years. That moment he looked at me and everything was fine. That moment I knew he did love me but shows it in his own way.

If I don’t get another moment for the next three years I can hold on to those perfect 10 minutes in which he just looked at me and with his eyes told me I was doing OK as his mom.

I think about how William would react to a sibling and I always (well 90% of the time) think it would be really selfish of us to even consider it. William needs a lot of attention and he would not have that like he does now. I don’t think he could cope with the immediate and permanent changes to his routine. You couldn’t train a baby into doing things the way your older child needs/wants them to be done.

But then…
I think maybe just maybe William may flourish with a sibling. Research shows for neurotypical people that having a sibling can have a positive impact on both mental and physical health. However separate studies based on siblings of autistic children clearly show that the neurotypical child often develop social and emotional difficulties.
Would there ever be enough time to give a second child the attention the would need or deserve?
I look (again with envy) at other parents who are in a similar situation to ours and wonder how they make it look so easy? so effortless? I often think of these parents as ‘the Naturals’ whose days are exhausting because they have spent them being the truly amazing parents that they are. I’m an ‘Impostor Parent’ and am exhausted from spending my days trying to be an adequate parent.

I think of the trying, the pregnancy, the complications, the labour and the mental health issues that came after and I just think ‘Fuck it! lets get another dog!’
but then I think of how often Rusty used to shit on the carpet and think better of it. I clean enough poo from the floor as it is.
I think it’s best off just staying the five of us… well four if I get my way about that arsehole cat. (totally kidding as i was heartbroken whilst he was missing 🐈but still an arsehole)

Our perfect/not so perfect little family.