Posted in Emotions

Fog

I’m not really sure about where to start with this post… I’ve had a bit of a block recently. I’ve been updating our Facebook page but not much else. I guess I’m a little blocked.

It’s not that I have nothing to write about but more than I can’t put things into focus. The best way I can describe it, is that my head is fuzzy.

I’m finding it difficult to understand how I am feeling, why I am feeling certain ways and I’m not really thinking rationally about day to day things. I’ve not hidden it, I’ve been honest about how I’m feeling and some days I can feel the fog lifting.

I didn’t want any of my fuzziness to infect my posts which is why I have been a little M.I.A recently. Writing things down is my way of processing things, I don’t share everything I write as some of it is just to vent but recently my writing hasn’t been consistent, it hasn’t been cathartic when I jot things down, uts been irratic and angry and I don’t know why.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we are ok, William is thriving at school, Liam and I are doing great and we are now living together. Little Miss is still as sassy as ever, Sundays are still days for Big Nanna and the world is still turning.

Hopefully the fog lifts soon and I can get back to some more consistent and therapeutic writing but until then look out for sparodic posts that may not be on track with my usual style of writing.

Much love, M xx

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Posted in Brief updates, Emotions

Calling all lazy parents

I would like to take a moment to state that I do not always want to play with my child. I sometimes can not go through the same set of flashcards for the 500th time I’m a day.

We all have moments in which we check our watch and realise bed time is a long way off. This doesn’t make us bad parents, it makes us tired parents. It makes us human.

Becoming a mom or dad doesn’t make us super human. It doesn’t change the fact that we crave time that’s ours and ours alone. That soak in the bath which involves candles, a book and enough time to shave both legs 🦵 time which doesn’t involve accidentally sitting on a rubber duck.

We want to watch TV or a movie that doesn’t involve animation or singing. I would like to have a power ballad stuck in my head instead of nursery rhymes.

There is no shame in needing a little time out. We can not always be on it 100% of the time and its important to try and take that time when we can, so we don’t burn out.

I remember thinking that my kid would have limited screen time… that didn’t happen. It is I who ended up with limited screen time 🤣 I can’t remember when I last watched Corrie when it actually aired instead of days later. I gave up completely on the other soaps as there just aren’t enough free hours in a day.

I work part time and absolutely adore my job. It gives me something to focus on that isn’t being Williams mom and I need that but I admire those full time workers and full time parents. I choose to work and if someone chooses not to then that is their business. There is a lit of stigma around parents that work and parents that don’t. There seems to be no happy medium. There is a archaic kind of judgement that working parents should be home raising and looking after their kids but then a judgement against those that choose to stay at home about how they should be working. I feel like non of us can win!

So this post is dedicated to the parents who aren’t ashamed to say that some days they only give 99%. The ones who don’t want to listen to the same song for the millionth time. Who pretend peppa pig goes to bed at 5pm. The ones who pretend toys are broken but have secretly take the batteries out 🔋 enjoy that 1% of time you need for yourself because you deserve it. You deserve to shave both legs, to wash all the conditioner out of your hair and to not have to hide in the kitchen when you want to eat a whole chocolate bar!

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Posted in Emotions

My own journey

8th January 2018

Look at this girl and analyse what you are seeing. A happy young mom holding her sleeping baby posing for her husband to take a photo… but that’s not whats really happening here.

It was my first day back at work after almost a year off. I woke up early, did my hair and make up to plaster over the cracks of how I was truly feeling.

I remember feeling relief as I left the house; like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally be away from William. My job has always been a constant in my life, since I was 17 so I felt like I was going back to do something I was really good at and since that wasn’t how I felt about being a mom, it made me really happy.

Only it wasn’t a relief, things had changed and people had left and I couldn’t focus on any one task. I was now part time and there weren’t enough hours in a day. I was constantly chasing my own tail. I remember coming home and faking excited to see William… I should have missed him. I held him close whilst he nodded off and had a little cry because ‘I missed him’ only I cried because I didnt. I cried for me. Not for him.

‘Take a picture Dave’ I don’t have many pictures of William and I over his first 2 years purely because I was alway the one behind the camera (This made post separation purging a nightmare🤣) I felt it was important to take a picture and prove that I was OK. That I was happy. Its silly isn’t it, that’s what this social media age has done to us. I think that’s why on here I try to be as honest and open as possible.

I’m not ashamed to say I was I was spiralling down a very dark hole and ended up at a stage I couldn’t see the light. I worried about my family dying when there was nothing wrong with them but the thought consumed me and kept me awake at night, I couldn’t cope with the changes is my career and found myself struggling to do the most simple of tasks but faking it with a smile and a cheery attitude. William was missing his milestones and I thought it was my fault, did I do something wrong during pregnancy? Was it because I didn’t love him enough? I began focusing on the fact that he might be taken away from me, social services would somehow get involved and take one look at me and know that it was my fault.

William was 18 months old and I had reached a point in which I felt like things would be better if I wasn’t around anymore by the time I sought help. I spoke to the doctor and just sobbed, I don’t know how he could possibly understand what I was saying but he listened and offered me help and I personally chose to be medicated, Sertraline to help with my depression and Propranolol for anxiety. It was hard, really hard and I came off them early and I wasn’t ready and soon spiraled back down that hole but I knew… I knew I wasn’t ready and went straight back to the doctor and this time when I thought I was ready, we slowly weaned off them and it worked.

For two years I have been off all medication and coping well. I have embraced that darkness I felt and can happily share my story. William is my word and the love I have for him was always there but was hidden by the storm clouds in my head. It didn’t flood in immediately but bit by bit as the clouds cleared, just like the sun does… it creeped through.

I know that Williams delays and medical issues are not my fault, that I did everything right when pregnant and that I loved him unconditionally from the moment I saw him on my scan and that even though I didn’t feel it, he did. He knew I loved him and still knows now.

There are days, even now in which I feel a darkness but speaking to people and being open about it really helps. This blog saved me as did all of you who read it, whether its ever post or just one. Each of you help me overcome every hurdle, every obstacle just by allowing me a platform to rant and cry about how I feel. Sometimes about myself or sometimes about the system that fails us.

Thank you and if anyone needs to talk please get in touch, with me, with a friend, a doctor. Don’t keep it to yourself. Darkness isn’t as lonely if you have someone by your side.🥰

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Posted in Emotions

It’s in the DNA… Pt 2

I said we would post as much as possible now we are both working and out of furlough, aiming to post once a week and unfortunately last week it just wasn’t possible. I would love to fib to you all and say I didn’t have time but to be honest I just didn’t have the emotional strength and need to pull myself through how I felt about the genetics results.

So first I’ve had my little pity party and it’s time to pull myself together – or at least that has been what I’ve told myself since the last post and I do feel a lot better, I needed to process and understand but unfortunately I was too quick to blame myself and wallow.

I thought I had gotten past the blame game but obviously it only takes one letter to put you right back there again, back in that pit of guilt and anger. Thankfully it didn’t take too long to crawl back out and I managed to do it naturally without having to fall back on the medication I once took for depression and anxiety. It shows how far I have grown in the last 18 months.

I know that there is nothing I could have done differently which would have stopped William having special needs.

I know also know that the additional material he has may not be the cause of his needs and delays.

It doesn’t matter that the additional material came from me, what matters is that anything more sinister has been ruled out.

I can hand on heart say that I love William more than life itself, not in spite of the challenges his needs bring but because of them. I think they make us as a family appreciate each other more. They make us look at the world in a different way and seek out understanding for other children like William.

God only give us what we can handle, its not always going to be easy but it is possible. He knew how hard we would fight for William and how much love we would have to give him. Its hard to have faith sometimes but I know my purpose is to nourish and love that little boy who I am honoured to call our son.

P.s William has his vaccinations today and tried to punch the nurse 💉🥊 but a cheeky trip to the polish bakery made it all better.

P.ss Vaccinations are also not to blame for Williams needs!