Posted in Emotions

It’s in the DNA

Males inherit the X chromosome from their mothers, the Y from their fathers.

Williams results from the genetics testing came today and its a bit of a mouthful but… there was a variation from the normal pattern wirh interstitial hemixygous copy number gain Xp22.33. The test states there is additional genetic material.

Chromosome 22 is the second smallest human chromosome (21 is the smallest) including more than 51 million DNA sectors (they’re in pairs) and represent between 1.5 and 2% of the total DNA in cells.

There is no defined link between this and autism but there are a few case studies referring to it and those with learning difficulties but not enough research has been carried out. Its is classed medically as having uncertain clinical significance.

If it has come back as nothing detected that would have been shit but manageable.

If something would have been detected on his Y chromosome I wouldn’t have blamed Dave but I am sat here now blaming myself. After all the X chromosome came from me.

Have I done this to him? To us? The paediatrician will be booking in a consultation to discuss the results in more detail and establish if further investigations are needed but now I’m terrified of what they will say… will further investigation point the finger at me even more?

I just feel like I’m back at the beginning of our journey, like all the progress we’ve made in our acceptance and grieving over a child we thought we would have hasn’t mattered and I’m back to looking at him and crying because this could all be down to me.

Posted in Brief updates

In a GAP

I think I have been pretty vocal about how all appointments and referral seem to go round for us but I held out hope (in vain) for our most recent one, to the nappy service 🚼

Let me put a little context to this. William is 3 years old but developmentally under a year. Due to his physical age he is the highest available size of nappies. He is not currently able to be potty trained as he isn’t aware of when he needs to go toilet or if he is he is unable to communicate this as of yet.

William also suffers from a lazy bowel and it doesn’t always function and it should so mild laxatives are often needed to relieve him of discomfort as he can go over a week before naturally being able to pass a stool. As you can imagine the build up of waiting to go natural or the explosion of laxatives puts any nappy to the test but imagine this happening when there isn’t any that will fit him 🤢

William also displays sensory seeking behaviors and unfortunately this involves a fascination with his own faeces. The will result in him smearing the contents of his nappy over himself and his surroundings and on occasion he has put it in his mouth.

On a night we have had to put him in a onesie to stop him taking his clothes off and removing his nappy. Unfortunately for us the little Houdini has now learnt to remove a onesie as you can see below… thankfully he was busted in time and put back into his clothing jail.

The look of pure joy that he is naked and put of his awful onesie

We were worried as he gets bigger what will do and we were told that there is a nappy service in our area which provides children with special needs nappies in bigger sizes which is amazing. However nothing is ever that simple.

Let me start from the beginning…

  1. Our GP sent a referral to the community nursing team
  2. The community nursing team rejected this as he is under 4
    • NO ONE NOTIFIED US UNTIL WE CHASED THE REFERRAL
  3. Our GP sent a referral to paediatric medicine
  4. The sent it back to the GP with advice to refer to community nurses or the learning disability team
    • NO ONE NOTIFIED US AND OUR GP CLOSED THE REFERRAL
  5. I chase the paediatric medicine team who told us what they had done
  6. I call the GP and they tell me to call the community nursing team
  7. I call them and they only know about the original referral and won’t accept another one as he is still under 4
  8. I call the GP and have to tell them exactly what the paediatric medicine team have told me
    • SUDDENLY NOW I HAVE TOLD THEM WHAT HAS BEEN SAID THEY CAN SEE IT ON THEIR SYSTEM
  9. They can not help as the person who deals with referral is off (I don’t think they’ve ever been in the office when I have called) but a manager of the surgery will call me back
  10. Kerry calls me and has no idea why she is calling me. She thinks it’s regarding his autism assessment.
    • I HAVE TO REPEAT THE FULL CYCLE AGAIN WHILST SHE REPEATEDLY TELLS ME SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHATS HAPPENED
  11. She is going to call our health visitor and William’s own paediatrician for help and call me back
  12. She calls back, she has left word for the health visitor but doesn’t know if she can help. She has called CAMHS (children and adult mental health services) and they can not help. She has called learning disabilities team and they can not help and she doesn’t know what to do.
    • WELL KAREN (SHE IS NOW A KAREN, I HAVE DECIDED) NEITHER DO I AND IT’S NOT MY JOB TO KNOW!
  13. She will send me some links to places that can help.
    • DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SENT ME… A LINK TO A CHARITY SHOP AND A SITE TO SUPPORT ADULTS WITH AUTISM. SO FUCKING HELPFUL!

I found it hard not to cry or be angry whilst on the phone with Kerry/Karen and I’m sure she could hear the break in my voice when I asked her ‘what are we supposed to do now?’

And that is the question, what do we do now?

We can’t be the first parents who have come across this, we can’t be the first to be in this situation. What happens when you fall into the gap? Do we just stay there for 8 months and have a bare bottomed child or tie a carrier bag to his waist?

If I failed to change and clean his bum for him when he was physically under a year old then I would have been classed as neglectful but what about now? He isnt physically under year but developmentally he is still in the same place. Am I being neglectful? Or are the services in place being neglectful by allowing this?

Posted in Emotions

Understanding and accepting

Before acceptance must come understanding.

People often struggle to differentiate between a child with autism and a child who is being naughty.

As a parent who suffers with anxiety it is very difficult to go to certain places and deal with other people who don’t know William like we do.

Something as simple as a journey on a bus can set me into a tailspin, a small journey can lead to an argument due to the fact other passengers look at William as see what they deem as an ablebodied 3 year old in stroller taking up a space they feel someone else needs more. Not all disabilities are visible and what give you the right to assume!

A trip to a supermarket can lead to a full meltdown due to the hustle and bustle of different people, a different environment, bright lights and loud noises. One the rare occasions he will walk, he will often end up laid on floor and go floppy because he can’t handle the stimulation and lack of familiar surroundings and comfort.
This is not a toddler having a tantrum because he can’t get sweets or doesn’t want to walk, its because he is in pain.

When we go to a restaurant, cafe or bar he will beeline for any food he can see, we will stop him before he takes it but it can lead to awkward conversations, dirty looks and whispered remarks.
This isn’t because he isn’t fed at home or because he is rude. This is because food is such a high motivator for him and that the fact it doesn’t belong to him doesn’t even register.

I shouldn’t have to apologise for my son for being himself but I find it becomes a more frequent occurrence as time goes on. I shouldn’t have to explain why he is the way he is, there should be a wider understanding of the autism spectrum leading to acceptance.

I truly believe that autism awareness and understanding should be educated in schools so that future generations don’t make the same mistakes and assumptions.
There are no definitive figures of those with autism as no record or register is kept but based on recent surveys 1 out of 100 has autism.


Think of the children in your child’s year at school, think of the children who you went to school with. I wish I had been more aware, more educated and a better person.

I want that for the future, for children like William and for parents like us who often feel we should apologise on behalf of our son when maybe, just maybe they should be apologising to us for their small mindedness.

Much love, The Buckley’s Xxx

Posted in Emotions

I F***ing hate you

Its nights like these I really wish autism was a physical being so I could kick the shit out of it. I fucking hate you autism you son of a bitch!!!

Its 11:30pm and William is still awake. He is calm and comfortable watching TV in his room. Before anyone jumps on the too young to have a tv in his room please remember that the only thing that can soothe William is the wonderful invention that is BabyTV and even then that’s only works some of the time. Could you imagine my neighbours during his frequent 4am screaming fits without it?

A little while ago it was a completely different story. William had spent the last half an hour or more hitting himself. Believe me it felt like a fucking lifetime. He doesn’t have a massive amount of strength in his arms so one little slap wouldn’t necessarily hurt anyone but he continuously slaps his stomach or legs with both hands until they are red. It’s really difficult to watch and if I try to restrain him he will lash out and bite me or become even more upset. And believe me when I say this he has the strength of a pitbull in those jaws.

Its these moments in which I feel like a huge failure as a mother.

I have tried everything to pull him out of these self harming states but nothing works so I tend hover in the hall or in his room and try to distract him but often just watch him and cry.

It makes me feel like an absolute failure as a mother. I’m supposed to protect him when someone hurts him… what am I supposed to do when he hurts himself?

The worst thing about this evenings episode was the reason he was hurting himself, it was something as simple as needing a poo and then the discomfort of needing changing afterwards. This has never been a cause before tonight and he is on medication to help him go but for some reason tonight it was an issue for him.

I need someone to blame. Someone to shout at. I write often about accepting that we are not to blame for William having autism but it was easier when we did think it was us because it was easy to direct hate at ourselves.

Who do I hate now? The diagnosis we still don’t officially have? The genetics that he may have inherited? The fluke that may have caused it? God? I just need something or someone to be mad at! I just need a reason… Why?

Posted in Causes

Behind the eyes

As many of you may have read previously William has been at the Hull Eye Hospital a few times to check his eyesight.

When children lack eye contact, depth perception and hand eye coordination the word autism doesn’t automatically spring to mind. Doctors and healthcare professionals will try to rule out any other issues and William’s visit to the Eye Hospital was one of his first exploratory check ups.

I want to tell you about the Hull Eye Hospital and how brilliant they have been with us. The staff are all so welcoming and were knowledgeable on how to deal with a child like William, they had a slew of highly engaging toys in order to try and get him to look in the right directions so they could look at his eyes. The waiting room for children however leaves a lot to be desired which is a big reason for my post but we will get to that. They make the most of the area they have and fill it with toys and books and sometimes very noisy children waiting for theirs or their siblings appointments. This atmosphere for children like William isn’t ideal but it is still much better than most places offer.

Hospital Chief Finance Officer, Lee Bond, is going to be doing something that some of us only dream about… well in my case have nightmares about, exercise!!! To be more precise he is planning on running the London Marathon, that’s 26.22 miles. Unless my math is exceptionally wrong (a high possibility) that works out on average if you were to walk it 52,440 steps

His goal is to raise £10,000. This will enable the opening of a sensory room for children with additional needs attending the Eye Hospital at Hull Royal Infirmary. The marathon is 5 months away (granted it has been postponed as should have been April I believe) they are only 59% towards the target which I’m hopefully can change quickly in the coming months.

For us as his parents any appointment brings upon anxiety and irrational thoughts. ‘What if he’s blind?’ ‘How will he handle wearing glasses?’ Etc etc… however as you are probably aware William’s eyesight is fine although he is due another check up before he can be discharged.If it brings anxiety out in us can you imagine how the child feels? An unknown clinical place, strangers and odd smells, waiting around without your usual security blankets (William’s are currently our metal egg poacher, his changing mat or the dog) Imagine not understanding why you are in this odd place or why people are trying to force eye contact upon you when you don’t want it and never have. Waving pictures your face and holding you still.

A sensory room could lessen the trauma for patients like William. There are multiple types of sensory rooms however the main focus is to help children feel comfortable and calm, explore in a safe environment and engage childrens sense. I think we could all use one in our workplaces or even right now in our ‘home offices’ also known in our house as a baby changing table next to a window.

Please think about any savings you have made whilst we have been on lockdown and try to dig deep to support such a wonderful cause that will help so many! So I implore you, please spare anything you can and use the link below to donate. X

https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/charity-web/charity/displayCharityCampaignPage.action?charityCampaignUrl=HullEyeHospitalSensoryRoom

Posted in Causes

Not worthy

Look at these faces… remember them x

I recently read an article detailing the fact that a doctors surgery in Somerset sent a letter to Voyage Care, a facility in which supports adults with Autism and other learning disabilities.

The letter stated that the adults in their care should all have a DNR agreement in place in light of the current Covid-19 pandemic. In case you don’t know what DNR stands for it means do not resuscitate which basically means that if your heart stops or you can not breathe then medical staff will not issue CPR. No chest compressions. No mouth to mouth. No respirators. No defribrillation.

The ethics of asking anyone to sign or agree to a DNR is shaky at the best of times.

This letter was sent without any consultation with the families of the adults in question. Having any form of learning disability is never a reason to decide not to help someone to survive!

The British medical association states that a blanket DNR targeting one group is completely unethical and unacceptable. But then that raises the question of who authorised this letter to be sent in the first place! There is a huge stigma around those with learning difficulties including Autism as many people do not fully understand. We as a family are still only dipping our toes into the waters of understanding.

I simply can not understand how anyone would think it was ok to send such a letter! Can you imagine either been that ignorant or prejudice that you decide a whole group of people don’t deserve to live? Look at the people who pump themselves full of drugs and alcohol… they deserve transplants and a second chance at life but my boy when he is older would not?

Remember Emma, Mark, Martin, Ted, Tom and Warren? If not scroll back up and take a second look…

In 2007 Mencap published an article called ‘Death by indiffernce’ that highlights the fact there is an institutional discrimination within the NHS which leads to those with learning difficulties getting a substandard quality of care or in some cases none at all.

Emma. July 2004. 26 years old. Emma had a learning disability, this mean she often exhibited challenging behaviour and had difficulty communicating. Emma had Lymphoma B1 cancer. Her survival chance was 50:50. Her treatment was delayed on multiple occasions as she could not consent to it. No pain relief was given. The high court had to get involved and when treatment finally started palliative care was the only course to take.

Mark. August 2003. 30 years old. Mark had a severe learning difficulty and very little speech but he had his own way of communicating with his family. Mark broke his femur and had an operation which resulted in him losing a lot of blood (40% of it to be precise). The staff also failed to give him his epilepsy medication. He was discharged despite still incurrring pain and had to be re-admitted on multiple occasions. It took 3 days for the pain team at the hospital to see him. He died less than 9 weeks after his operation. The medical staff involved did not believe Mark’s family when they told them something was terribly wrong with him.

Martin. December 2005. 43 years old. Martin had a learning disability and no speech. Martin suffered a stroke and was sent to hospital were he contracted pneumonia. The stroke effected his ability to swallow so he could not take in food or water orally. He was placed on a drip which he didn’t handle well and often pulled out. On his second week in hospital it was established that the drip wasn’t providing him with the nutrients he needed. A speech and language therapist visited him repeatedly and advised he should be nil by mouth and other methods of feeding should be introduced. He was in hospital 3 weeks before they decided to intervene and by then it was too late. His veins had collapsed and a PEG feeding tube needed to be inserted but he was too unwell to withstand the operation. Martin went 26 days without food and nutrients before he died. The hospitals policy was to introduce alternative methods of feeding after seven days but they failed to adhere to it costing him his life.

Ted. May 2004. 61 years old. Ted had almost no speech and a severe learning disability. He was admitted to hospital with urine retention requiring a minor operation and remained there for 3 weeks as he suffered a mild heart attack and a post operative infection. His condition was assessed as concerning but the hospital pushed to discharge him back to his residential home. He was sent home and collapsed and died the following day. Following an inquest it was established that he had died from aspiration pneumonia.

Tom. May 2004. 20 years old. Tom had profound and multiple learning disabilities. Tom’s school advised his parents his was distressed but presumed he wasn’t happy there however they knew he was distressed because he was in pain and pushed for medical investigations. A consultant stated further testing was needed but it seemed to be an issue with his digestive system. No further investigation took place. Tom’s doctor decided against a PEG feeding tube because of fears Tom wouldn’t tolerate it. There was no discussion of alternative feeding methods with his parents. After school was over there was nowhere suitable for Tom and he was placed in a psychiatric unit who stated they would assess his needs and act upon them. They didn’t. Tom was losing weight fast and expressing some disturbing self mutilating behaviour in which his parents were sure it was him expressing his pain. Tom was moved to a social services residential home who admitted him to hospital. Tom had an ulcerated oesophagus. The hospital agreed to fit a PEG and the operation was carried out. Tom died before he could receive the nutrition he needed. So many different agencies look after Tom before he died and no actions were carried out resulting in his death.

Warren. September 2004. 30 years old. Warren had a severe learning disability and very little speech but could communicate well with his family. When Warren first showed signs of distress his parents called the doctor out on three occasions. His parents had their suspicions that he had a problem with his appendix or bowel but the doctor said no. A month down the line they called the doctor out again as he was having trouble swallowing and losing weight. They were told it was a virus. As he was not eating he was also not getting epilepsy medication as it was administered via his food. The doctor gave paracetamol and diazepam to calm his seizures. The next day his parents called an out of hours doctor out who told them to take him to hospital for a stomach xray but that nothing was seriously wrong. A few hours later they called him again and an ambulance was sent. Warren’s parents deceived a negative attitude towards Warren by the hospital staff. 2 hours after admission Warren had died. It was his mom who noticed he had stopped breathing. He died of an infection caused by appendicitis and a blockage caused by a paralysed bowel. Warren could not communicate but multiple people refused to listen to his parents concerns despite them knowing him better than anyone.

Remember them… they are only a small selection of people.

It took the deaths of Emma, Mark, Martin, Ted, Tom and Warren to bring about an inquiry into the inequalities within care that people with learning disabilities face.

Death by indifference: 74 deaths and counting…5 years on. Published in 2012 contained multiple case studies. Including the below remember them; Sophie, Kirsty, Lisa Barbara T, Daisy, Chantel, Carole, Kyle, Betty, Maria, Barbara D, Christian, Karen, Clive, Paul, Tina, Brian, Christopher, Ronnie, Kelly, David I, Michael, Alan, Sandra, Anne, Nicholas, David T, Sammy, Susan, Noel, Raj, Jasseke and 15 unnamed people.

Seems like a large number doesn’t it? Well almost 1200 people with learning disabilities die unnecessarily in hospital each year! Mencap have launched a campaign called ‘treat me well’ which advocates in making simple changes which will have a big impact to the way in which hospitals deal with patients with learning difficulties. I have signed up for as much information as possible in regards to the campaign so hopefully we as a family can get involved in making things better because let’s face it… it couldn’t get much worse.

Mencap, the voice of learning disability.

Posted in Appointments

The Day

Today was THE DAY!!! well almost…
William’s referral to the ASD panel will be put through by his Speech and Language therapist. We need to sign our consent on the 10th February when she goes to observe him at nursery and then it’s done. Then we wait for the confirmation letter and the countdown begins ⏱

Today, like most important days didn’t start well. Anxiety at peak and the woman from speech and language hasn’t turned up and it was almost 30 minutes passed our home visit time.

Just like my last Tesco order she had gone to our old address 🤣 She called and was super apologetic but her paper file hadn’t been updated but she was on her way.
So Sally (writing her name so I remember it in the future) arrived and jumped in straight away, As soon as she sat down William went to her and grabbed her hands to play ’round and round the garden’ which was a positive sign as he doesn’t often take to new people in that way especially when he’s been poorly. Sunday morning wake up call was to a gunky case of conjunctivitis and a bust lip? Not sure how that happened but he didn’t wake us up when it did.

She asked a lot of the same questions as the Neurodevelopmental Paediatrician did but had a warm way about her that made them less judgemental and abrupt. In between questions she was playing with William as he wouldn’t leave her alone.

This wasn’t the type of appointment in which someone walks in and goes ‘right then Mr & Mrs Buckley, William will definitely start talking soon!’
This was the beginning of a very long process. There is no magic wand to wave to poof things into happening or to speed up William’s development and we’re ok with that as long as things are moving in the right direction and that he is happy.

Sally is sending us on a course ran by 2 speech and language specialists who will help up know how to appropriately encourage William to make more eye contact. She mentioned that usually his SEN worker would go along but believes Val has already had it based on the work she has done with William so far however will send her too if needed. There is a few month waiting list for this so it’s another letter we will be waiting to hit the doormat but we are good with that as we know its coming.
she will the check back in with us to see what the next steps are in developing his communication whether it’s BSL, Makaton on the Pecs system. The goal isn’t necessary to get William to start speaking but to enable him to communicate with us in a way he is comfortable with with which make things easier for us all in the long run.

Don’t get me wrong I would kill to have William call me ‘Mummy’ or tell me he loves me but he already does that in his own ways. Like on the rare occasion when he’s tired and comes to cuddle me and moves my hand so I know he wants me to stroke his hair.

2020-02-10T13:15:00

  days

  hours  minutes  seconds

until

It’s Officially The Day

William has several appointments and assessments in the pipeline including an evaluation by IPass who are going to assess him movement to rule out any physical disabilities.
The next TAF meeting is in February so hopefully this will get the ball rolling further in regards to his education and an EHCP plan.

Big progress with Williams fine motor skills and his hand eye coordination and it’s all happened in such a short time.
He has now done the following for the first times…

* slotted a disc into a small hole
* used a fork to scoop, stab and feed
* built a lego tower with me
* scribbled independently on his whiteboard ➡ Future Picasso according to his Nanna