What’s Happening Now…

Posted in Emotions

Mothers vs Fathers

I see a lot of posts on Facebook bashing dad’s and it’s shit! I mean that’s not really an eloquent way of putting it but it’s just everywhere and I’m so fed up of it. Seeing posts and memes of the like implying that dads are useless. There are so many dad’s who are no longer with the mom’s out there who are amazing and you never really see that side of it so here it is…

You all already know that this is Dave, Williams dad 😊
William’s dad and I had a painful ending to our marriage and I was hurt and I’m not afraid to admit it, wanted to hurt him like he had me. BUT not once did I think of using William to do that because it’s wrong and would not only have hurt his dad but William also. Don’t get me wrong I thought of many ways to hurt him that didn’t involve William, combine harvester accidents, hitmen, superglue in his hat, nair in his gel, dog licking his toothbrush, you know… the usual stuff 😂 (I get a little petty sometimes😏) but the top and bottom of it is that I am in fact so very grateful to have Dave as a co-parent. He’s a brilliant dad and absolutely dotes on William. I firmly believe that whenever possible (Which I know it’s not always) kids deserve both parents in their lives and a messy break up shouldn’t prevent that. Dave and I never have to be friends, we just have to be good parents independently and together for our son but that doesn’t mean that one day we can’t become friends..

This unnecessary dad bashing has to stop! Its grossly unfair in some cases because I know men who have children they are desperate to see but aren’t allowed.
I know men who pay everything they have in maintenance and struggle to pay their own rent.
I know men who will buy their children shoes they wanted but didn’t need, and yet their one pair of trainers are held together with superglue.
I know men who travel miles and miles to spend less than an hour with their child.

There is a reason dad’s have dressed as superheroes and scaled building in order to have their voices and rights acknowledged.

Check out the link here for the Fathers4Justice page and read some of the heartbreaking stories.

On the other end of the scale I know of mom’s who have walked out on their babies and never looked back.
I know women who used a man to conceive and then cut that man out their lives.
I know women who restrict access to their child because the relationship between the parents had broken down.
I know women who pay nothing in child support and go out every weekend in new clothes.

I’m not saying all fathers are angels and that some are not useless but the same can be said for some mothers.
I think before we all jump on the bandwagon and slate our ‘baby daddies’ (I hate that term) we should evaluate if the reasons they are “so shit” is because of what has happened between us as their parents or because of the way they are with their child?

I think my point to this post/rant is that some dads moms PARENTS are shit! There isn’t a set gender on being a c**t. Amen! x

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Posted in school, Uncategorized

26/04/2022

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for the fact I haven’t written a post in a while but last week was a big week for us and a very emotional one. I felt that it wasn’t the right time to do any kind of writing so that I could process that William had finally gone to school.

I had been very honest about how I was feeling in relation to William going to school and had taken some time off to come to terms with this big adjustment and to be there for William every step of the way.

I’ll kick this off by sharing some photos of his first day, we came together as a family (as we should) to be there for William on his first day, I think it was more of a big deal to us than it was William.

26/04/2022
26/04/2022
26/04/2022
Proud mommy – 26/04/2022
William and his daddy- 26/04/2022

William was an absolute superstar, he was so excited to get on the bus and start his educational journey. He loves travelling so choosing to send him on transport was most definitely the right option… well the only option since I don’t drive myself (although driving lessons are now booked 😬🚘) but even when I do, or if I do, I think I will still send him on the bus as he’s made a friend and it’s so good for him to have that 1 on 1 social interaction although today he did get moved this week because he was eating the little boys coat 🤣 Pica at its finest.

I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t a mess on his first day, second day and so on but seeing his face as he got on the bus was so fulfilling that I genuinely forgot about all my own fears and doubts, my own insecurities just fizzled a little. His face, full of confidence and joy made me feel worthwhile as a mother. I have done a bloody good job so far and now his teachers can continue with his education and help him develop and I will continue to help turn him into the lovely little boy he is and the amazing man he will grow to be.

I’m sat here at 11.47am on a Thursday, my house is clean and I have the time to sit and write this, watch some TV and just breathe… it’s an odd feeling but not the horrendous one I thought it would be. I’m not breaking down or feeling sorry for myself. My little boy is growing up and starting a journey in which he should have started last year. its hard when he doesn’t want to get off the bus on a night because i have this little voice that goes ‘he doesn’t need you now’ but that’s not true. We always need our parents. I’m in my thirties and still need my mom to tell me everything will be ok. William needs me, just not as much as he did before but i’m ok with that… we need to let our kids go so that they can fly and he is doing that.

We have this whole new support network in his teachers and his passengers assistant on the bus who is amazing and so lovely. She called me a few times the first week to let me know how he was on the bus as she saw I was upset. His teachers email me updates and there is an app in which they upload photos and comments. They have their first parents opening soon for the queen’s jubilee in which they will do a parade around the school, sadly I can’t attend but Williams dad will be going to support him.

I’m excited and nervous to see how school will help him develop but it’s a whole new chapter and i’m excited to start sharing it with you all. Much love, M. xx

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Posted in Emotions

The anatomy of a post

Its easier for me to write down how I am feeling, than it is for me to say it… I feel that by writing it down I am saying it as it needs to be said. No immediate questions and no way I can get tongue tied (although I do get a bit ranty) but I do understand that this sometimes leaves me a bit closed off as a person and that can make me hard work especially for those closest to me and I own that, I practically come with a disclaimer.

That being said writing something down doesn’t come easy to me either, I will over process something in my head until it becomes a huge issue before, I even show any inclination that something is bothering me, then I will let it fester before I even think about writing it down. The writing I find very cathartic, and it helps me process thing before I can freely talk about them.

I think I have explained previously that sometimes I write down feelings, thoughts and ideas into a little blue notebook and that book travels with me to meetings, appointments, and things of the like. Not everything becomes a post, sometimes things from months or years ago become recent posts as it resonates with something going on in our lives current day.

I wrote a post whilst about not being ready to date and how to trust someone around your child when they are non-verbal etc, but I had by the time it was posted already met my partner and was on the verge of introducing to our kids, he didn’t know about my blog back then, but I imagine had he read it, he may have had some questions 😂

I have a friend that called me about one of my posts a few months back (Yes this is about you, this time lol) thinking it had been spurred on by some comments she had made to me and was a little offended that I hadn’t spoken to her about it… Imagine little old me having no idea what comments she was talking about because that post had started out in the blue book months before and then lived in my drafts for weeks. I’m not saying that somethings aren’t based on recent events because they often are but the anatomy of most my posts is a lot more in-depth (sometimes) than hearing, reading, or thinking something and immediately having a rant about it.

Looking in the blue book today, I have about 67 pages of notes, ideas, and doodles. In my notes on my phone, I have about 12 and finally in my drafts about 6. Some of these ideas date back to 2019 and may never make it into a post because what was written isn’t relevant to who I am today, or they were fleeting feelings or repetitive meetings in which can’t be elaborated on so don’t go anywhere.

I read somewhere that in order to run a successful blog you need to have a schedule of posts and stick to that schedule to help build an audience, I’m not sure what is classed as a successful blog, in my eyes his blog is successful… It doesn’t earn me money (if that’s what success means nowadays) but I feel successful because I started this blog with only a small goal in mind, to have just one other parent read it and felt less alone in their journey, if that was just one person reading it and feeling a little more at ease, or one person reaching out for advice ( do try but I am in no means an expert) or just one person realising their feelings are perfectly normal. I feel that based on the people who I have met because of my blog that it is very successful because my goal wasn’t to reach millions of readers or monetise anything. It was to simply help one person in any way shape or form because this journey is a lonely one and I had never felt loneliness like it before. I wanted to educate people or even just one person on what it is like raising a child with special needs and how hard it can be but also how rewarding and I feel I have achieved that and hopefully will continue to do so.

All my love as always 😘 M x

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Posted in Emotions, school

Wet Hands

Do you ever have a nightmare that feels so real that you can’t shake that feeling of dread that it gives you afterwards. I’ve been feeling down recently, getting lost in my own negative thoughts about myself and I think that’s maybe why I had such a terrible dream. Please feel free to skip the next paragraph if you would rather not read about it in detail as it is about a sensitive subject but I think it gives some context to the way I feel.

Click here to read the dream Every night before bed, I check on William and then go to bed myself, I often jump out of bed to make sure I definitely shut the baby gate. He’s not confident with stairs and who knows what mischief he could get up to… I woke up and could hear William laughing to himself in his room, if it’s early and he sounds happy then I usually check him on the baby monitor and go back to sleep until my alarm wakes me up at a reasonable hour, however when I awoke it was much later than it should have been, my phone had died and that meant my alarm didn’t go off… even at this point the dream felt so real and I remembered reaching for the charger and my glasses. I grabbed my dirty (clean really but that well-worn that it looks gross) grey dressing gown and pulled open my bedroom door. Williams baby gate was wide open and he wasn’t in his room. I must have taken the stairs 3 at a time, the living room baby gate was open. I couldn’t hear him so thought he had maybe fallen asleep. He was nowhere to be seen, I checked behind the sofa and chair, in the dog bed and under the table but he wasn’t there. the kitchen door was slightly ajar and although the kitchen baby gate was pulled shut, it wasn’t locked in to place. I called out for him, ‘William?’ ‘Willster?’ ‘baby?’ nothing… I sensed this awful feeling; knowing the bathroom was the only place I hadn’t checked. I walked in and the bath was full (I always empty it in real life), his toys were in there and so was he, he was wearing the t-shirt he had been wearing that day, a blue Toy Story one with a sequin panel…. only he wasn’t playing with it, instead he was under the water, face down and still. I started screaming and pulled him out of the water, he was cold. Then I woke up with what I am almost sure was a scream. My hands felt wet, not just sweaty but truly wet as if they had in fact been in the water. There were tears rolling down my face. I had never jumped out of bed so quickly in my life, Williams baby gate was closed and I struggled to open it as I was shaking so badly. There he was, snoring, safely in his bed surrounded by his squishmallows. In that moment, I didn’t care what time it was or that he was sound asleep. I grabbed him and held him tight, tighter than ever before.

I’m a worrier and we all know that, I’m insecure in my parenting and always second guess myself but despite me not being a ‘natural parent’ as I like to call them, I have worked bloody hard at it over the last 5 years and that recently it dawned on me that in what is now 9 days, William will be going to school. I am confident in my choice of school and super happy that I fought so hard to get him there but I’m having a wobble about who I am right now or at least who I will be when he isn’t here with me. I will never not be is mom but I am wondering (panicking) about what I will do on the days he is at school and I aren’t working… I already feel a bit useless, so many battles and fights to get him what he needs and his education was the biggest one, now he has what he needs, what is my purpose?
It sounds silly but without something to fight, I feel a bit redundant and worry that when he goes to school that I won’t be able to shake that feeling and it will just grow and consume me. It stupid because I know there are loads more things in wHich I will have to fight against for him as he grows older but this was ‘the one’

I think the dream was maybe a manifestation of how I feel about being without William when someone else is looking after him on what should be my days. Dreams about losing a child are apparently about grief, the grief you feel when a child moves from one phase in their life another which makes sense in these circumstances. My life has revolved around William since the moment I started trying for a baby, he didn’t even exist but he was my everything and he always will be, but I fear that I will feel so lost without him here with me… how crazy is that? Desperate to get him into school, desperate for some ‘me’ time and now I have it, I’m scared of it. I think it’s a bit like imposter syndrome, scared that i spent so long being this warrior that now I just have to be me, thats its not good enough.

It’s a strange one to be so worried about isn’t it… What would you do when all your dreams come true? well me personally have a full on anxiety attack and question who I am as a person. Most people would have a glass of bubbly and celebrate but no, I can’t do that. I have to take things to the extreme as always.

I have a fair few things I want to do, like decorate the last few rooms of the house and start my Understanding Autism Level 3 and Challenging Behaviour level 2 qualifications but is that enough? who knows?

I’m not sure what the point of my post is but just needed to get it off my chest and hopefully out of my head.

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