Posted in Emotions

Visiting time.

What is the difference between quality time and obligated time?

Quality time is basically time spent together in which the focus is on enjoying said time, whereas obligated time is time spent together in which you partake in because you feel like you owe that person or that you have a moral sense of duty.

When you have a baby, you get inundated with visitors… people wanting cuddles and to compare who he looks more like. Dad’s nose, Moms’ eyes, Grandpas strong chin etc etc but they also want cups of tea and conversation, I am sure I am not the only one who thought this, but I had just pushed (with great difficulty I might add) a watermelon out of my vag, I don’t want to make cups of tea or endure conversation. I want to sleep whilst all my bits realign and get my head straight, but we are too polite to say this at the time, and when I say we, I mean new moms; we are vulnerable, emotional and tired, soo fucking tired. I let guests overrun my house to the point I took my new-born baby upstairs to feed him on multiple occasions because I didn’t feel comfortable enough to breastfeed in front of most of these people. How fucked up is that? I felt obligated to entertain all these people under the guise that they were family or friends but that’s ok because those people are going to be around forever, right? Wrong!

As time goes on, the novelty of a baby wears off…. People don’t visit as much as they did in the beginning which is super shitty as you just start feeling somewhat normal and by this stage you could use some adult company. You are at that stage in which you want to ask those questions like, should my boobs be that sore? Will I be able to poop without crying? When will I know why he’s crying? When does the love come? Ok so maybe not the last one as I was no where near ready to admit that back then, but you get the point.

I’ve touched on this slow retreat of people in a few other posts but today I’m focusing on the excessive retreat when people realise your child isn’t like other children. I am the first to admit that before I had come to terms with the fact my child was like other children that I retreated from my friends who also had children, not all of them but some… we don’t speak about it (well I mention it all the time) but that unspoken competition of who’s child is better drove me further into my mental health breakdown but there were some who didn’t engage in this nonsense in which I felt comfortable spending time with. The re-treat of these competitive moms was my own doing and I do not regret it in the slightest. It was what I felt was best for my family.

William’s baby book is full of photos labelled ‘First time meeting so and so’ when in reality 80% of those photos should say ‘First and last time with so and so. I am grateful that William won’t remember these people, but I will and I will remember the feeling when it dawned on my that these people didn’t care, we were insignificant parts in their lives despite us presuming they are main characters in ours.

Christmas and Birthdays, people pop up and disappear again out of what I imagine is some form of obligation, their comments rings in my ears… ‘It’s like he doesn’t know me, William I’m you’re so and so’ of course he doesn’t know you! He has seen you about 10 times since he was born! It gets me really angry because I would put money on it that some of these people will think it is due to his disabilities but its not. The people in his life who see him frequently get a very loving and excitable reaction from him. These visits dwindle, to Christmas but not his Birthday, every other Christmas to barely ever.

I’m not really sure what spurred on this rant as it’s been hovering around in my notebook for a few months, I guess I am just tired, tired of wasting my precious time on people who only feel obligated to see us but actually have no interest in William or myself. I would much rather people are honest as time is precious and I don’t want to waste it on people who aren’t worth it.

Take a look at this photo.

This is a five year old boy spending time with his Big Nanna whom we visit every week for quality time, she doesn’t have us over because she feels like she has to, she has us over because she enjoys spending time with us and it’s something I have done long before William was born. We don’t go because she wants us to, we go because we love spending time together and she cooks a banging sunday dinner🍗

William knows that on a Sunday, he sees his Big Nan. As soon as he can see her house, he starts running off… he knows exactly where he is going, lets himself in, makes his way to the biscuit tin, then grabs a toy or book and takes up his spot on the sofa.

Big Nanna is inundated with cuddles, love and affection throughout the day and it genuinely brings me so much joy to see. I think to me this photo shows exactly what quality time is.

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Posted in Events & Holidays

The 1st Family Holiday 2022

I’ve said it a few times but i’m saying it again, I am really trying to be more open to taking William to experience new things so, in for a penny, in for a pound as they say. Instead of another day out. We booked a weekend away! Talk about going from one extreme to another but you know me, I like to jump in with both feet and then act like I’m drowning 🤣

We booked a little cabin near Malton, Coopers Cabin to be precise. If you click the image it should take you to the link.

Coopers Cabin, Malton Grange Lodges

The cabin itself was lovely, although there was a slight hiccup when we got there, it hadn’t been cleaned which meant we couldn’t relax, they sent a lady (Louise) who was brilliant and compensated with a bottle of prosecco but the whole situation put a massive dampener of the start of our holiday especially with the kids already having a super long day and then not being able to settle down straight away. It’s also made me a bit worried about getting our security deposit back, because the cabin wasn’t as thoroughly cleaned as it usually would have been, I am concerned anything the previous occupiers may have done with impact us especially the hot tub as they state that if the filters need changing they will hold back the deposit, I highly doubt that the filters were checked and we notice there was scum around the filter entrance… we shall see what happens with the deposit. They have been asking me review them already but I shall wait until the money is back in my account.

The cabin was spacious and had a master bedroom with ensuite, a second bedroom with 2 single beds which Wilster and I shared and a pull out double (ish) sofa bed in the lounge. As you may be aware from our usual ‘Annual Hobman Family Holidays’ sharing a room with William is not ideal but its also not always horrendous. He woke me up the first morning by prying my eyelids open and trying to shove my glasses on my face whilst laughing like a physcopath, Thats was 3am… 😴 needless to say I mad my way to the spare sofa. The following day he woke me up by doing was I can only describe as physio, he was stretching and bending my legs and then quicky switched to torture by pulling my big toe and other toes in seperate directions but he also climbed onto my back at one point and fell back to sleep so it’s not all bad and I relish in that moment he wants me as comfort to go to sleep as it doesn’t happen very often.

I worried about taking William on a train but I embraced it and we were lucky enough to catch the Pickering steam train up to Goathland (Heartbeat Land) It was the trains first run out in three months due to the track side fires caused by the immense heat this summer. Sadly it was pulled off after our trip due to an issue with the coal so we were doubly lucky. The noise, smells, movements and people were all things I had thought about before taking the leap, not to mention Williams chair. I would like to give a big shout out to the staff at NYMR especially Adrian Sartain (not sure if I have spelt that right) but he was amazing and really looked after us and put me at ease on what was an anxiety inducing journey for me. I tweeted NYMR so that they would pass my thanks on to him.

I’m not sure why I was so worried because William often surprises me, I have an amazing video of William laughing and giggling whilst I will post to our facebook page. He thoroughly love the journey and proved once again that new experiences aren’t always a bad thing and don’t require my overthinking and stressing (not that I will ever stop) He is constantly surprising me, keeping me on my toes and not always in a bad way haha 🤣

Have you ever felt like an outsider? like you don’t really belong somewhere, having to try hard to fit in but never really doing so… I guess it’s the true sign of an introvert. Believe it or not this statement isn’t about William, it’s about me. I can honestly say that this weekend I truly felt a part of something. I felt so at peace just sat with my new extended family and talking about rubbish, being honest about parenthood, my relationship and not feeling judged in the slightest. I felt accepted without the pressures I have faced in the past to behave as those around me do. Not only did I feel accepted and welcomed but I know that William felt it too, Just look at these pictures and see how comfortable he was.

Our next excursion was Flamingo land, again I was worried. He likes the fair that comes to Hull but its not as expensive and easier to get home and back to his comfort zone.
The first thing I will say, is that it’s soo fucking expensive! We should have pre-booked but because the weather was due to be torrential, we chose not to and boy was that a mistake. £50 per person is daylight robbery especially for a 5 year old!

Flamingo Land has changed alot since I last went (about 18 years ago😱) but fundamentally it’s the same.
Little Miss absolutely loved it, she wanted to go on every single ride but sadly she isn’t called Little Miss for no reason and she was too small to go on the majority of the ones that took her fancy. The log flume was the one she was most looking forward to and she was too dinky, her dad did sneakily stand her in the splash zone at the side of the ride so that they got sprayed as the ride hit the water. I think she took it as a good consolation but we have vowed to take her back next year but measure her before as she needs to 3.6ft tall.
There were plenty of rides aimed at her age height group but they weren’t as daredevilish as she likes.

That being said, she did have an amazing time and thoroughly enjoyed the experience, including going round the zoo section.
Williams experience is a little more difficult to explain, he coped really well being inside the park but I don’t believe he got a great deal of enjoyment from it, at one point he even had a nap but then again I’m not surprised since he had woken me at 3am 🙄 He’s really hard to read during these situations so he could have really enjoyed, could have just tolerated it but I know he didn’t hate it as he always makes that clearly known 🤣

We ate out on both nights at The Smithy Arms, clicking their name will take you to their facebook page, I highly recommend them as their menu was varied, portion sizes plentiful (although if you order fish & chips, don’t be alarmed if half a battered whale turns up🐋) and their food was very tasty without charging the earth. The kids menu was brilliant (every kids meal included dessert) and they were very accomodating for William in his chair. If we book again for next year we will most definitely go back.

Our first holiday in my eyes was a huge success, don’t get me wrong, it was really nice to get home and relax but I would go back in a heartbeat and do it all again… And now starts the countdown to our next adventure 🥰

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