Posted in Emotions

The green eyed monster

I want to talk about the green-eyed monster, you know that devil that sits it the back of our minds, whispering in the back of our heads sending us all into a tailspin. I’ve touched on this subject a few times in relation to the unspoken competition between parents about how well their kids are developing, how soon they talk, walk or progress.

Today I want to talk about it in general not just in relation to parenthood but everyday life, I also want to open up about some of the things I do that may cause the green-eyed monster to pop up in other people. We all encounter moments in which we want what someone else has or we think someone wants what we have. Jealousy is natural in some degrees but to some it is all consuming, there are some that don’t understand that it is just a voice in their heads.

We all experience it, I for one really struggled with it when William was a baby; I unfollowed my friends on social media who had babies at the same time because I was jealous, and it hurt to see their babies developing at a quicker rate than William. It took a long time for me to be able to be happy for those parents instead of envious. Even now sometimes I comment and say how wonderful things are, how beautiful, how smart etc but my head still occasionally says, ‘why not me?’
A few years ago that thought would consume me, and I would scroll through social media pages and sob about how unfair life was, but I have grown since then and now I can be genuinely happy for my friends, but it doesn’t stop the pangs of jealousy. Seeing Little Miss grow so quickly and overtake William in the year I have known her has been hard, seeing her ask for her Mama and ask for ‘Big hugs’ from her Daddy is a wonderful thing to witness but there is a deep sadness there for me. I guess I just want those moments for myself. We always want more than we have, its natural… The moment William said ‘Mom’ for the first time was one of the best moments of my life but now I want more. He made a noise at bedtime a few weeks ago that sounded like ‘I love you’ but it wasn’t words, just sounds but now I’m desperately hoping for an ‘I love you mom’ but it may not happen, but I ache for it, dream of it, even long for it. William surprises me every single day and in the last two years had come on so far with his development so I’m not saying it will never happen, but we just don’t know what he is capable of until he actually does it.

I got jealous when other parents of children like William were given school places and William wasn’t… I was happy for them and cried happy tears but fuck me, it hurt at the same time. I think that’s natural though. Jealousy didn’t mean I wasn’t ridiculously happy for them because I truly was. I called my mom and told her every time other parents got good news, ‘mom this happened, hopefully it will be us next’ and then when it was our turn, I expect those that come after us will be the same. We want the best for our children, and as happy as we are when others get that first, we long for it to be our turn and feel that in the parents that are fighting for their kids’ educational needs right now. The system is not designed to help our children or to get them what is right for them, it is designed for what is right for the local authorities behind the system.

Money is a big factor of jealousy for a lot of people, and I am not ashamed to say that I don’t have a lot of it, I work part-time, I’m paid well, and I absolutely love my job but due to being part-time, it means I have to plan my money very well. I have to think about what’s coming in the upcoming month and budget appropriately. I can’t just decide to go out or to buy something without thinking about it a month or more in advance.
I love my house and everything in it but that didn’t just happen, I wasn’t always living on my own. As we all know, 2 years ago I was married and in a 2-income household which had a big part in building up my house into a home for William. Credit where credit is due, William’s dad left the house as it was so there was least disruption to our son, I didn’t give him a great deal of choice which may have been selfish of me, but I wouldn’t have the nice things I do if it wasn’t for him, and I am grateful for that. There are things that people may wonder how I can afford on my wages, but I know the price of everything and when I need something, I budget for it as best I can with help from my parents if needed. I have a large television, which is completely wasted on me only watching BabyTV and Coronation Street, but it is something I would never have bought myself. It was a Christmas gift from my parents a fair few years ago and something I have made sure to take very good care of.
William has more toys than most children, I bought in excess for his birthday (I had been stockpiling gifts since mid-2021) not because I have money to waste or an excess of it but because I don’t know what will work for him. Two gifts have already gone in the bin because they have been broken, one on his actual birthday 😫 and I anticipate that many more will go to landfill in the following weeks. Don’t get me wrong I usually try to donate where I can but if they’re broken it’s not possible. The toys that hold William’s interest are usually aimed at younger children, but it is what must be bought to match Williams developmental age, but they are not built to withstand the strength of his actual age. Some toys won’t be played with for months, if at all and it’s a risk I take when buying anything… so there tends to be a large choice for him so that he has at least one gift he loves. I threw a small party for his birthday and that needed budgeting for well in advance. It wasn’t me showing off, look at what I have or what I can do… it was me saying that William deserves to have something nice and why can’t we celebrate his birthday like other children do? I paid for a cake which was divine and a bargain but the money for that came from my January wages, I paid for a Morrisons buffet; the deposit came from February’s wages and the balance from this months. Every step of his mini party was carefully budgeted and planned out.

Christmas is another thing in which people may think I go overboard, but again I plan Christmas all year round… I am lucky enough to have a spare room, this is now what I class as my office but really it’s a dumping ground, there is a freezer which holds copious amount of chicken nuggets for William, a tumble dryer which physically wont fit in my kitchen so is next to my desk with a vent out the window, meaning my office is always cold but there is no point in turning the radiator on as it would be huge waste of money. I often work in a jacket, or a dressing grown as it can be pretty nippy in winter. There are two sets of industrial shelves which hold Christmas decorations (I can’t access my loft) and throughout the year I buy Christmas presents which live on them until December, or birthday gifts months in advance… a little bit at time so it has the least financial impact, before I had William, I used to buy everything out of December or Novembers pay and then struggle to afford bus fair to work until February 🤣 I was always the kind of person who lived like a king 👑 for the week after payday and homeless for the rest of the month.

I have been to people’s houses or seen pictures on Facebook and thought God I wish I could do that or have that or go there, we all do it, but we all handle it differently.

The reason I have been so honest about what I have and why is because I would never want anyone to look at me through green eyes when there is no reason to in my opinion. We each manage what little money we have differently, and all have different circumstances.

I’ve never been a massively jealous person when it comes to relationships, this is probably why I didn’t realise my ex was having an affair 🤣 as a person who has more male friends than female, I would never hold someone to different standard than I hold myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally get a little worked up over daft things. That there isn’t a voice in my head going ‘what if…?’ but I think that’s natural of all of us. Its part of being human but so is being able to trust people. Its hard to get out of a mindset in which you think everyone will hurt you but it’s imperative to do so in order to move on in a healthy way. People do shitty things and we cant stop that; we aren’t able to stop other peoples actions but we can learn from them without the result of those actions consuming us.

I used to have only child syndrome, despite having a sister haha 😳… What is mine is mine and that’s the end of it but as I have grown up, my opinion on things has changed massively. If I have something and someone needs it or wants to borrow it, then I see no issue in helping them out. (Partners not included 😂)

Social media is the devil, its so easy to post a picture and pretend to the world that your life is perfect, you can filter yourself and crop out the cracks in relationships, the mess in your house and the worries you feel when you look at your child. There is no shame in being honest and again I think I have said this before but fuck you Mrs Hinch for making me feel bad about my messy house, fuck you Kardashians for photo shopping your bodies to a ridiculous and near on impossible standards, as crazy as reality TV is, I give huge credit to the stars of Geordie Shore and reality shows of the like… not because of the surgery they keep having to meet the standards they feel they should but for portraying themselves in a realistic way. They get drunk and messy and wake up looking rough with last nights make up on… I don’t even watch the show, but I have seen clips and newspaper headlines trying to shame them, but we all do it! We all forget to take off make up before bed, we wake up looking like we’ve ran an obstacle course in our sleep. I hate the unrealistic nature of things online… Don’t get me wrong, I love a snap chat filter, but I also know its fake and I think that’s the struggle a lot of us fail to understand sometimes. We shouldn’t be jealous of something that’s not real, we shouldn’t aspire to be like these people who pretend to be what they are not!

My green-eyed monster rears it head less often than it used to but its still there and its part and parcel of being human, of being who I am and I’m not ashamed of that and nor should I be.💚

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