Posted in Emotions

My own journey

8th January 2018

Look at this girl and analyse what you are seeing. A happy young mom holding her sleeping baby posing for her husband to take a photo… but that’s not whats really happening here.

It was my first day back at work after almost a year off. I woke up early, did my hair and make up to plaster over the cracks of how I was truly feeling.

I remember feeling relief as I left the house; like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally be away from William. My job has always been a constant in my life, since I was 17 so I felt like I was going back to do something I was really good at and since that wasn’t how I felt about being a mom, it made me really happy.

Only it wasn’t a relief, things had changed and people had left and I couldn’t focus on any one task. I was now part time and there weren’t enough hours in a day. I was constantly chasing my own tail. I remember coming home and faking excited to see William… I should have missed him. I held him close whilst he nodded off and had a little cry because ‘I missed him’ only I cried because I didnt. I cried for me. Not for him.

‘Take a picture Dave’ I don’t have many pictures of William and I over his first 2 years purely because I was alway the one behind the camera (This made post separation purging a nightmare🤣) I felt it was important to take a picture and prove that I was OK. That I was happy. Its silly isn’t it, that’s what this social media age has done to us. I think that’s why on here I try to be as honest and open as possible.

I’m not ashamed to say I was I was spiralling down a very dark hole and ended up at a stage I couldn’t see the light. I worried about my family dying when there was nothing wrong with them but the thought consumed me and kept me awake at night, I couldn’t cope with the changes is my career and found myself struggling to do the most simple of tasks but faking it with a smile and a cheery attitude. William was missing his milestones and I thought it was my fault, did I do something wrong during pregnancy? Was it because I didn’t love him enough? I began focusing on the fact that he might be taken away from me, social services would somehow get involved and take one look at me and know that it was my fault.

William was 18 months old and I had reached a point in which I felt like things would be better if I wasn’t around anymore by the time I sought help. I spoke to the doctor and just sobbed, I don’t know how he could possibly understand what I was saying but he listened and offered me help and I personally chose to be medicated, Sertraline to help with my depression and Propranolol for anxiety. It was hard, really hard and I came off them early and I wasn’t ready and soon spiraled back down that hole but I knew… I knew I wasn’t ready and went straight back to the doctor and this time when I thought I was ready, we slowly weaned off them and it worked.

For two years I have been off all medication and coping well. I have embraced that darkness I felt and can happily share my story. William is my word and the love I have for him was always there but was hidden by the storm clouds in my head. It didn’t flood in immediately but bit by bit as the clouds cleared, just like the sun does… it creeped through.

I know that Williams delays and medical issues are not my fault, that I did everything right when pregnant and that I loved him unconditionally from the moment I saw him on my scan and that even though I didn’t feel it, he did. He knew I loved him and still knows now.

There are days, even now in which I feel a darkness but speaking to people and being open about it really helps. This blog saved me as did all of you who read it, whether its ever post or just one. Each of you help me overcome every hurdle, every obstacle just by allowing me a platform to rant and cry about how I feel. Sometimes about myself or sometimes about the system that fails us.

Thank you and if anyone needs to talk please get in touch, with me, with a friend, a doctor. Don’t keep it to yourself. Darkness isn’t as lonely if you have someone by your side.🥰

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Posted in Emotions

The Fall Down

Autumn is my favourite seasons. The leaves change, Hull fair snacks are readily available 😋 Halloween 🎃, Bonfire night 🔥 and Christmas🎄 are right around the corner. I can almost smell the fire smoke in the air. It slowly becoming acceptable to put the heating on and to start wearing woolly tights and boots. The clocks will go back and dark cosy nights with candles, blankets and movies are just around the corner.

But then again, I hate this season in equal measures, some days it can’t decide if its summer still and its too hot but its raining and there is no physical way to be dressed appropriately and, in my opinion, it is cold and flu season…. Traditionally this falls between December and March but in my house, it always starts in the September.

In this new world in which we live, you can imagine the first thing that comes to mind when you start coughing and sneezing all over the place and genuinely looking like the walking dead 💀 I can handle being poorly, I don’t handle it well, but I handle it 😂 William being poorly is a whole different ball game. He can’t tell me what’s wrong, so it is a guessing game from the moment his behaviour changes until he develops full symptoms… is it tonsilitis? Stomach problems? The flu? The thought process gets pretty dark… what if its measles? Did I see spots? What if its Corona? Or Ebola? Or the plague? Or maybe, just maybe, it’s just a common cold.

I know my reasoning is pretty extreme, but my point is that it’s just never possible to tell what is causing the issue until the issue itself become apparent. William reacts to many situations by shutting down, this means he will withdraw from almost everything, he will barely eat and will try to sleep for avoidance. This could be because he doesn’t want to do something like leave the house or partake in a certain activity but could also be because I had to trim his nails, stopped him eating carpet fibres or didn’t let him smear the contents of his nappy. In some instance it’s because he doesn’t feel well. How do we know the difference? There is one simple answer… we don’t!

Its purely a guessing game… I have to evaluate everything that has happened prior to his shutdown and try to figure out. This means I have to be ultra-conscious of what happens on a day to basis and must be switched on at all times. This still means I have to try isolate what could be the problem and act appropriately, if in fact any action is necessary. On some occasions, no matter how much I analyse what has happened, I get it wrong and its simply because he is coming down with something but with no prevalent symptoms, it is impossible to know until it fully hits him.

I’m not going lie, sometimes it’s exhausting and sometimes when he cries, I cry but that’s ok because it doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom or a failure. It means I am trying my best and that’s all we as parents can hope for.

Despite this I do love Fall just not the downs that come with it 🍂 xx

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