There is no manual for being a parent, there are help books and forums that can point you in the right direction, but what if your child has autism? Every single day is different and thing which have been successful in the past may not work out in the future.
If there was a manual for William, then I would give up everything I have for just an indication that I was doing something right.
Days like today are tough, I don’t know if it’s because I was already feeling a bit low, but the most insignificant thing tipped me over the edge… Orbeez. They are these tiny little beads that grow much bigger when in water and anyone who has used the will probably think it was the disposal that I found traumatising, but it wasn’t. We have used these on a fair few occasions and William has loved them with no incident, so much so that I had 50 thousand of the little fuckers to fill the bath with. He didn’t want to get in and lashed out at me, then he grabbed handfuls of them and threw them all over the bathroom but decided he did in fact want to get in and proceeded to fight me as I tried to remove his nappy. Once in the tub it went even further downhill as he started eating them… FUCK YOU PICA! I kept stopping him putting them in his mouth but, his other hand was ready with a fistful to shovel in and holding onto both was near on impossible. Getting him out the bath felt the same as he didn’t want to so flopped himself down and flopping about when I tried to grab a hold of him.
It felt like hours, just stopping him eating them (and failing) and trying to coax him out of the bath.
I wrapped him in a towel, and he snuggled into me, I sat there telling my four year old that I didn’t know what I was doing and that I would try to do better, that he deserves a better mom than me. It was all very dramatic even for my standards over a few non-toxic water beads. 🙄
I’m just having one of those days in which I feel like I am not good enough, these kind of days just creep up on you like a small grey cloud in the sky but before you even notice you are suddenly in a thunderstorm. That’s how my head feels today. A little overcast and very dark ☁ but I am sure it will pass… just like the Orbeez.
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