Posted in Emotions

Our one and only?


















Is it fair?

I always thought I wanted two children but once we actually started trying to get pregnant I soon changed my mind. I have a sister (H) and although we argued; like sisters do but I couldn’t have imagined my childhood without her or even my life now.
Dave however always wanted just one. He too has a sibling but not with a bond like H and I have and maybe that is why he only ever wanted one.

We agreed we would discuss it again when William turned one… Still only wanted one child.
We will discuss it again when he goes to school and again when we turn 34, after all I wouldn’t want to fall into that geriatric mom category of 35!!! since when was 35 classed as geriatric?!

I always said that I couldn’t put myself through it again but I get this little pang when I see my friends with their ‘normal’ or neurotypical children. Surely I deserve that? Why can’t I have it?
All those moments I feel like I’ve been deprived of… A baby who will call me Mummy and will be receptive to my cuddles. A baby who can be comforted by me. A baby who would love me back.

Facebook is the root of all evil… & envy, its banner should be green not blue! I see so many beautiful babies and children on my news feed. Children much younger than William easily communicating with their parents and making it look so easy.
Children singing, counting and developing at the correct rates and it breaks my heart 💔 I am so happy for all of my friends who are parents and why shouldn’t they sing it from the rooftops when their child learns something new. It just gets to a point that I just can’t see it anymore. I have un-followed so many people because I am just brimming with jealousy and it hurts me to admit that because I would never wish any parent to go through what we are but I just want what they have. Why can’t I have that?

But then I look at William who has started eating bread, not toasted bread or chocolate bread but normal bread and I want to celebrate it. He ate a sandwich!!! not one but several! My little man who is repulsed by the touch of bread actually ate a sandwich himself 🤭 But then he also decided he didn’t want to wear any clothes at all and chose to ignore me for what feels like the 1095th day in row.


Before i continue i just want to say it again…. My baby ate a sandwich, not once but on three separate occasions last week!!! He touched bread and it didn’t end in him throwing it on the floor and recoiling in disgust. It was a beautiful sight as you can see.

This week I called my mom very teary because I had ‘that moment’ a moment most parents have every day. me and William had spent the day I the garden and needed a bath but bath times are traumatic at best so I decided to turn the shower head on and sit underneath it with him. He laid there so calm as the water rained down on us and looked me in the eyes the entire time. That moment is something I had been waiting for for 3 years. That moment he looked at me and everything was fine. That moment I knew he did love me but shows it in his own way.

If I don’t get another moment for the next three years I can hold on to those perfect 10 minutes in which he just looked at me and with his eyes told me I was doing OK as his mom.

I think about how William would react to a sibling and I always (well 90% of the time) think it would be really selfish of us to even consider it. William needs a lot of attention and he would not have that like he does now. I don’t think he could cope with the immediate and permanent changes to his routine. You couldn’t train a baby into doing things the way your older child needs/wants them to be done.

But then…
I think maybe just maybe William may flourish with a sibling. Research shows for neurotypical people that having a sibling can have a positive impact on both mental and physical health. However separate studies based on siblings of autistic children clearly show that the neurotypical child often develop social and emotional difficulties.
Would there ever be enough time to give a second child the attention the would need or deserve?
I look (again with envy) at other parents who are in a similar situation to ours and wonder how they make it look so easy? so effortless? I often think of these parents as ‘the Naturals’ whose days are exhausting because they have spent them being the truly amazing parents that they are. I’m an ‘Impostor Parent’ and am exhausted from spending my days trying to be an adequate parent.

I think of the trying, the pregnancy, the complications, the labour and the mental health issues that came after and I just think ‘Fuck it! lets get another dog!’
but then I think of how often Rusty used to shit on the carpet and think better of it. I clean enough poo from the floor as it is.
I think it’s best off just staying the five of us… well four if I get my way about that arsehole cat. (totally kidding as i was heartbroken whilst he was missing 🐈but still an arsehole)

Our perfect/not so perfect little family.

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