Posted in Emotions

Two faced

these are the faces of autism

and so are these…

It took me a long time to be able to tell people that our child has special needs, that our child has a developmental delay or that I look like shit because I was up until 4am just laid net to him on his bedroom floor.
There is no shame in having a child with autism or a child that hasn’t hit their milestones when their peers have but there seems seems to be this stigma around it or at least that’s how we felt.
I share many stories about William (with any one who will listen) and always explain he has additional needs but i’m not sure why. Why do people need to know? why do we as parents feel the need to explain their behaviours? Does Tom, Dick or Harry need to know?
I suppose any parent in our position will tell you that everyone on the outside of this not so elite circle will tell you that they know a person with autism and they’re fine or they know someone who was non verbal and now they speak all the time etc etc etc… blah blah blah

Autism is a spectrum which means it covers a range of conditions so although autistic people share certain difficulties not one person who has autism is the same as another who has it. This means that they need different levels of support. Most people on the autism spectrum will learn and develop but only with the right sort of support which if you have read our previous posts can be difficult to get.

Today was a difficult day. It started at about 1am in which William was awake and having a full meltdown so I did my mental check list

  1. Does his bum need changing?
  2. Is he thirsty?
  3. Is there something in his bed that he doesn’t like?
  4. Does he want a cuddle?
  5. Does he have a temperature?

At 1am the answer to all of these was a definite no. Number 2 resulted in him shoving his juice bottle into the side of my head and number 4 resulted in him hitting and biting me. I tried everything to calm him and by 4am we were laid on his bedroom floor just staring at each other. I couldn’t touch him and I wasn’t allowed to make any noise but he was at peace for the first time in hours so the back pain this morning is most definitely worth it.

Fast forward to a very sleep deprived mum this today and i’m not sure who has cried more. Me or William?

I understand this is a little bit of a ranty post but I just like to speak or when that’s not possible type and those that know us personally understand how angry I get when i’ve not slept 💤

William is currently in his room destroying everything that is still standing so i’m hoping he will soon tire himself out but that’s as likely as us winning the euromillions!

I refer to William quite often as a psychopath... when he hits me and laughs, then I tell him off so he fake cries and then laughs again... honestly he is such a character and a master manipulator; when Dave wakes up he will start crying. Dave runs in 'is he ok?' 'how long has he been like this?' he will scoop him up and cuddle him and William will just happily lay there with him. I can't help but feel a little jealous. They have a beautiful relationship and it stings a little that William doesn't have that kind of bond with me. He never hits Dave. Never bites him. Its it because I am the one that is here more? and his time with his Dad is more precious to him?

I sometimes think it may be because I struggled to bond as well with him straight away. As many of you are aware it took almost 2 years for me to admit and be diagnosed with postnatal depression. I loved William before he had even entered this world but struggled to adjust to such big changes in my life.
I went from working full time and my life been my job to been on maternity and finding out my office was shutting down. Then as time went on I started to realise William wasn't like children his age. It was tough and I think I hid it well for quite some time but did William pick up on this?

I think Family life is never what people picture it is. Movies, TV, books and social media put unrealistic expectations on people to have a perfect life and it has taken me a long time to realise there is no such thing! My living room is a mess and covered in dog hair and toddler snot so fuck you Mrs Hinch with your baby, dog and immaculate house! Although I do love the products she uses 🙂
Fuck you Kylie Jenner with your washboard abs 4 weeks after giving birth! In fact you know what, Fuck you Kevin Systrom & Mike Krieger for creating a platform in which pictures are worth a thousand words and every single word is a fucking lie.

One thought on “Two faced

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