Posted in Emotions

Why do you hate me?

Its been a tough few months recently, William seems to have regressed in his behaviours and seems to be lashing out at me more than usual. Not his dad just me… what did I do? He purposely scratched my face when he was frustrated which I’m not going to lie hurt like a motherfucker! the valuable lesson I have taken from this is to make sure I keep his nails short however cutting them is an awful and thankless task. Imagine if an octopus had claws on each tentacle and you had to avoid 7 of them whilst pinning the other one down, that’s what its like cutting his nails. Except that the octopus is screaming and biting to get away from you.

We have had a full on meltdown because I wouldn’t let him eat ‘another’ packet of Parma Violets. He went to find more and threw them all over the floor before throwing himself down too and refusing to get up… I tried to lift him but he’s very smart and makes himself go all floppy! considering developmentally he is less than a year old he does show some terrible two’s traits which we were told is a good sign (insert eye roll here 🙄)

His sleep is very disturbed now. From the moment we brought him home from the hospital he slept for 7pm until gone 10am and we had to wake him up not the other way round. People called us lucky. I don’t feel lucky anymore. He goes to his room at about 7 to 7.30pm and precedes to destroy his bedroom for a good hour or more. Draws opened and emptied, everything he can physically reach ends up on the floor and in pieces. Juice everywhere and if we are very ‘lucky’ he will often smear the contents of his nappy around the room. Three times in a week we’ve had to hose the boy down in the shower and disinfect his room and carpets ready for the next day… we go through a lot of sheets and a lot of wash powder. The washing machine is always on.

Speaking of hosing the boy down, its a 2 man job to bathe him. It sounds awful but it takes one of us to hold him down and the other to clean him. He needs to be held because he starts having a meltdown and can fall and hurt himself. To put it into context some days I feel that bathing a feral cat would be much easier and less painful for all three of us.

He has gotten to a stage now where he doesn’t want to be wearing pants… he will squirm and kick out when trying to put either a nappy or trousers on him and when they’re on he will walk round in circles trying to pull them off until he has succeeded. This was cute the first few times but once he peed all over my Nans DVD player it wasn’t! I thought about braces for him but he cant handle restrictive items so I’m not sure if that is the way forward? I suppose it is just going to be trial and error.

His follow up appointment at the eye hospital has come through to double check his vision. That’s in likes a week time, I am praying they don’t need to use the drops again as he couldn’t handle the disorientation last time and was a nightmare with his saucer like pupils 👀

His return to nursery after the holidays went just as expected. He clung to Dave for dear life despite often not wanting to come home. He has become accustomed to his non-routine over the Christmas break and didn’t want to be away from us. Dave had to spend an hour at nursery trying to calm him down.

I think the support available now from other parents in similar situations is amazing and one of the main reasons I started this blog. There are groups to arrange to meet up or if like me you are antisocial there are just groups to read other experiences and ask advice and support of those who have already been there. There isn’t enough support professionally which can leave people feeling alone and isolated, don’t get me wrong the nursery and Williams health visitor have been amazing but there doesn’t seem to be anyone else at this point in time which is daunting. It feels like it is one person referring to another to another and so on. It feels like they’re passing the book so to speak. I know this isn’t necessarily the case but so many people need to be involved before something happens that it feels like a never-ending circle.

We have an appointment a week for the next three weeks so hopefully we will take a step forward soon. Even if it’s just a baby step 👣

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