Watching the fireworks for the first time…
I have always worshipped my Dad. I always wanted to gain his approval. It’s not that I didn’t already have it but I didn’t want to risk losing it.
I waited until I was married before we started trying for a baby, You know the ‘right’ way.
I spent summers walking around garden centers with him as he picked out new plants for his pond, I spent nights listening to Jim Reeves and Johnny Cash and he used to let me stay up late unless I yawned… as soon as I yawned it was time for bed. This was a great trick I planned to use in the future.
My dad was the only boy out of three. He had an older sister and a twin sister.
His eldest sister had a daughter, His twin had 2 daughters and he had Me and Helen.
Helen then had my beautiful Niece.
When we finally fell pregnant I was desperate for a boy. I had always wanted a little boy, I’m not sure why but deep down I think it was secretly for my dad.
I tried to convince myself we were having a girl so that when our 21 week scan came round I wouldn’t be disappointed.
Now I don’t know if you have ever seen a baby scan at 21 weeks but they dont look anything like a baby. In fact William looked like an alien 👽 the print out we received was a close up of his terrifying little UFO face. As you can see he was cute and peanut shaped in his 12 week scan above and developed into E.T over the following 9 weeks.
We didn’t even need to ask what sex he was because the little exhibitionist that he was had his legs open the entire time, every time the sonographer tried to obtain measurements of different areas he moved to once again show us his little todger. 😲
Holy shit we were having a boy! We were having a William Graham (my dad’s middle name and Dave’s dads first) and not an Alyson Rose. We immediately went shopping and purchased every blue baby grow we could find at Next, Matalan and Asda 💸
I called the Hobmans and dad had said he knew one of us would break the curse eventually 🙌🏻 I was so glad it was me.
I had visions of my dad taking him fishing, Dave taking him to watch Hull FC and eventually enrolling him a rugby club. 🏉
Throughout our journey so far I had avoided discussing it with my dad, I don’t know why. Would he blame me? would he treat William differently? would he even understand?
My mum had always been the one to give him any updates before I shared anything publicly as I wasn’t ready for that conversation until it appeared in black & white and she asked me if I was telling him myself… and I did.
I made that phone call and held it together long enough to tell him what we knew which even though it wasn’t alot, was still enough.
I don’t remember the exact conversation but my dad, who has never been a man of many words simply said something along the lines of ‘Well it doesn’t matter does it. He’s happy and that’s all that matters and has two parents who are doing a great job’ conversation over.
There was an immediate relief that rushed through me and I sat a cried. Not silent tears but loud, snotty, messy ones. I couldn’t even explain why I was crying and Dave just held me.
My dad has always had William few hours each week until I get home from work. They both seem to really enjoy this time together as they are always snuggled up when I get home as you can see below.
Tonight I took a leap and I went to see my dad and for the first time we spoke face to face through Williams next steps. He was so positive and encouraging. I’m not going lie, It took all my strength to hold it together and not cry.
I feel guilty about thinking he would be any different. He had never done anything that indicated he would be but in my head we were letting him down. Even though I am now 30 I still need him to be proud and tell me everything is ok.
He treats William the same way he always has because his difficulties don’t change anything. He is still our son and his grandson and if my mum voiced her suspicions to him like she did me then he probably knew William was struggling long before I could admit it to myself.
They can still go fishing 🎣 or do anything else a grandad does with their grandson; They can kick a football in the park, walk Rusty together (as long as William picks up the poop 💩) or as time goes on, go to the pub where my dad can hustle him at pool like he did with Dave and my Father in Law 🎱
I think a lot of my fears are down to my own insecurities which I then project onto others in an attempt to appear stronger than I actually am but I think as time ticks by I am getting better at being more open not only about Williams needs but also my own emotional ones.