Posted in Emotions

Friends in Low Places

‘Why haven’t they done something sooner? It’s obvious there is something wrong with him. He looks real dopey in all his pictures’

— Anonymous.

It was the above comment made by a ‘friend’ and this spurred me on to publicly post Williams journey on my private facebook page.
The main reason was to stop people talking about us without knowing the facts but now I want people to know every aspect of our journey so that should they be going through something similar they know where to start on their own journey or even feel less alone.

For the first two years of Williams life it was easy to ‘sugarcoat’ the things he couldn’t do which was a defence mechanism against those awkward questions.

“Is he not walking yet?”
“Why doesn’t he acknowledge me?”

We became so used to answering these questions that our responses became very rehearsed.

“Well let’s face it, he has a moon head like his mummy and because of that he struggled to sit up until he was 10 months old. He just needs to build his neck muscles because it’s a big weight to carry”
we would laugh it off because when he born the doctor measured his head 3 times to check he had it right. His measurements were all in the 25th percentile except his head which was in the 91st and in all fairness the Hobman side of the family do all have massive noggins 😜
“He is just ignorant bless him. There’s nothing wrong with his hearing he can hear a packet of crisps being opened from three rooms away”

William was 26 months old when we decided to send him to nursery for the first time, one full day a week away from us to help with his socialisation and communication skills. We should have done it sooner and believe me people mentioned it. BUT have you ever tried to find an extra £190 a month?! We work almost 65 hours a week between us but with bills to pay its a lot of money but we managed to find it.

Williams 2 and a half year check up wasn’t with his usual Health Visitor; Sarah, it was with a stranger in a health centre we had never been to before which immediately put us on edge.
We had received the usual questionnaire about what he can and can’t do and when we sat down as a family to complete it we had to remind ourselves not to exaggerate and be brutally honest about which areas he was struggling in. Dave found this exceptionally hard as he was more in denial than myself and at that point wouldn’t engage in the ‘What if?’ conversations.

Looking back the lady who carried out this development check was lovely but on that day she was the devil 👿
She stopped what she called ‘the assessment’ and in my head she said “You’re sons a fucking retard so there no point in this” however what she said actually said is something along the lines of “I think we should stop as I don’t to want to upset William but…”
We sat on the wall outside the health centre in full view of the main road and cried; we cried for the dream of a normal child, we cried because why would this be happening to us? We had tried so hard for a baby and done everything right! How would we tell people? Is it our fault?

The health visitor came to our house within a week after our meeting with the devil and continued the assessment. I always feel much more at ease with Sarah than other professionals. She has that reassuring way about her that people’s mums and grandparents have that just comes naturally to some people.
She spoke through Williams development and what he was and wasn’t excelling in and said ‘the devil’ had told her she had referred him to a speech & language therapist and Sarah agreed it was the best step and she too would refer him on top of speaking to his nursery about his needs. At this point she had no concerns that he could be on the spectrum.

It was the Easter whilst waiting for the next step that the above comment was made and it really hurt as it was a big step for us admitting something wasn’t right for a close ‘friend’ to then say something like that. Especially as said ‘friend’ had known me almost all my life. She has never spoken to me about what she said or about anything else to be honest since I found out. She has defended herself to others. This person had attended or been invited to such big events in my life that I missed who I thought she was for a long time but she was obviously never that person.
As time has passed I often think I should thank her for been the kind of person that would say things like that about a child because it made us become more open about what we are going through not only to ourselves but to a much wider audience.

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